Do Vs. Don't

Okay, so I'm 26 hours into my first respite gig in foster care. And I'm exhausted, but it's going really well. I hadn't fully realized how tiring it would be for introvert to spend 13 hours a day without ever being alone for two seconds. Plus I didn't really sleep last night, listening in case she needed anything (we've got a baby monitor setup between the bedrooms, which is a must, even though she's seven). But anyway, on to what I've been thinking about and trying to do all day.

Dr. Karyn Purvis, whose methods I've been following as closely as possible, talks about the importance of building as many yes's into your interactions with kids from hard places. You are building the trust that a new mother would build with an infant over 12-18 months of meeting that infant's needs. I am completely on board with that concept, but it turns out that almost everything a seven-year-old wants to do or have is either off limits or actually dangerous. That kind of goal vs. reality struggle will really stretch your creativity!

I grew up in a house with strict parents and a lot of rules. It was an upbringing that had a lot of positive results, results which I would like to see in every child I know. Basic manners, hygiene, and a sense of responsibility are all important things for parents to teach. What I ran into today was the challenge of teaching these things without lobbing a bunch of "don'ts" at a child with whom I need to build trust. A hundred times today, I would have liked to say "don't leave the light on," "don't dump your things on the floor," "don't talk with your mouth full," "don't run with a stick in your hand," and on and on and on. Instead, I had to find ways to make the same point without the negative verbiage.

What I did that worked (at least for today), was to focus on "do's" instead of on "don'ts." The biggest factor that made this effective was to do all the "do's" together. We brushed teeth together; we made beds together; we picked up toys/clothes/hair accessories together; we carried plates into the kitchen together; etc. etc. Kids from hard places crave connection so much that they will in fact do these things with you (which doesn't necessarily hold true for children without trauma histories). I did it all with a playful tone of voice so that it was more of an activity and less of a chore. Now, I've heard some feedback on this where people say that it takes longer if you do it this way. I would argue that it actually doesn't. True, it takes time you could be spending doing something else. But usually you'd be spending that time asking the child to do or not do something, repeating that request (perhaps several times), and probably then doing or redoing the original thing yourself after all of that. So to me, it is more efficient to do the things with the child and try to make them fun (borrowing a bit of Mary Poppins' magic).

And some things I just let slide, waiting to tackle those after we've built more of a relationship. Washing hands every time we go to the bathroom or come in from outside? Non-negotiable. (we even bought special soap that reveals a toy the more you use it--score!) Not keeping your mouth closed when you chew? Something we can work on later. You can't teach four years of math in an afternoon. You can't teach four years of manners, habits, and awareness in an afternoon either.

Obviously, some "don'ts" just have to be said in the interests of safety and respect. I tried, with a fair amount of success, to correct with playfulness whenever possible. "Oops, did you forget to ask permission?" is much less threatening to a child with a history of trauma than, "Stop grabbing my stuff!"

The point is, "don'ts" are fine when you have those solid baby years of "do's." But if you are working with a kid who has heard far more, and perhaps far nastier, "don'ts" than "do's," try working your "don'ts" into "do's."

In my head, that paragraph makes sense, which may mean I do need to go to bed. =)