On Fear

Devo survived his surgery this morning, and even better, the vet found no sign of the fatal kidney cancer that he expected. Unceasing praise to God!! I doubt any dog has ever been as fervently prayed for as Devo has been over the past few days. We are in for a long and difficult recovery, but there is hope.

In His infinite grace, God gives us lessons in our distress. One thing He has had me thinking about today is the experience of fear. We talked a great deal in TBRI training about the effect of fear on children from hard places. Specifically, we looked at the neurochemistry that results from early terror. Intellectually fascinated, I read and listened and thought about the profoundly destructive effect that fear has on the brains and bodies of these children. I thought I understood.

Then today, when the vet called with good news, it felt like someone had rebooted my brain. Since last Thursday, when Devo first became sick, I haven’t been able to sleep, haven’t been able to eat, haven’t been able to concentrate. I’ve been frozen, watching him with hyper vigilance. I’ve been restless, snappish, withdrawn. Soon after that telephone call from the vet, I found myself ravenous, exhausted, and suddenly able to reflect on the experience and think creatively through various projects.

Keep in mind, I’m a fully grown woman with a fairly trauma-free life. My world is comfortably predictable, and I am well-equipped to handle occasional challenges. And my fear stemmed not from concern over my own survival, but from the illness of a dog (a very much beloved dog, but still). All these tools in my belt, plus the most powerful tool of God’s presence and my faith in Christ, and I was paralyzed by fear.

Now think about the children whose every breath has been taken in a world of cruelty and chaos, who have rarely been (and have never felt) safe, whose basic survival has been in constant jeopardy. If I was queasy, sleep-deprived, and unable to concentrate with just the fear of losing my dog, how much worse must it be for these precious children? And yet we ask them to pay attention in school, to bond immediately with strangers, and to basically “get over it” because we say they are safe and we love them. It breaks my heart.

I have not enjoyed these past six days. But I thank and praise God for the healing He is pouring out on Devo and for the strength and presence He has given me. And, much as I hated the method of the lesson, I thank Him for giving me just a glimpse into the experience of fear that children from hard places battle with every breath. My compassion for their pain has deepened in a way I was too arrogant to realize it needed to.

Pray for these children. Fight for these children. Use TBRI to disarm their crippling fear and teach them they are safe and adored.

I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD; the humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:1-4