The Importance of Self-Care

Reflections on the Trust-Based Relational Intervention Training, Part Two:

Virginia Woolf once wrote, “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” I would swap a few of those words to say “One cannot think well, love well, dine well, if one has not slept well.” This applies ten-fold to parenting using TBRI. I know I am not at my most playful, relaxed, or compassionate when I am exhausted.

The TBRI trainers spoke of an essential quality that every parent must cultivate. They called it “mindfulness;” I call it getting enough sleep. It means the ability to see behind a child’s behavioral outbursts to the real need. For example, let’s say a child responds to the news that he cannot have a snack before dinner by screaming “I hate you! You’re not my mother!” and then going on a destructive rampage. An exhausted parent may give an angry response or a tearful withdrawal, neither of which is helpful to the child, the parent, or the relationship between them. A well-rested parent, on the other hand, can see the outburst as a symptom and not the problem itself. She can remember that this child’s first memories were of not ever having enough food. She can realize that the growing brain before her is stuck in an early mode of “I am always in danger of starving,” and therefore overreacts when food is denied. The combination of a well-rested parent and TBRI sidesteps the entire tantrum. The child asks for a snack before dinner, and the mother responds by saying “Yes, you may have this snack right after dinner. Do you want to put it beside your plate or keep it in your pocket until dinner is over?” (The Connected Child, pg. 49) It is a brilliant response, but one that would be difficult to think of if you’re keeping your eyes open with caffeine and sheer determination.

God has blessed me with two nieces and a nephew who are just the most delightful children ever to grace this earth. I adore them and love being an aunt. And they think I’m pretty great too—I always have energy to play with them, I think of creative outings for us, I’m always in a good mood around them, and I’ve only yelled at them once in nine years (and that was to prevent my nephew from pitching head-first into traffic). In short, I’m a near-perfect caregiver for those three darlings. Is it because I am superwoman? Nope. It’s because I get to give them back to their parents at the end of the day, go home, take a relaxing bubble bath, and sleep as long as I want. It’s because when I take them out for the day, I have nothing else to do that day but play and have fun. That is miles away from caring for children 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, with all of life’s daily grinding details to accomplish at the same time.

Chances are, if you are an adoptive or foster parent, you are exhausted. Parenting any child is exhausting, and when you add the behavioral baggage that children from hard places bring with them, the parenting workload quadruples. So what can you do? Prioritize rest. If you don’t already have an extensive support system of friends and family who can help out, begin building one. Go through your family’s schedule to winnow out all but the essential activities. Simplify as many things in your life as you possibly can. We have all let children get overtired, and have witnessed the meltdowns that result. You cannot help your child avoid a meltdown if you are close to having one yourself! So restructure your life, even if just for a few weeks, to make sure you are getting enough rest. You’ll be glad you did!