Discipline, Obedience, and TBRI

Reflections on the Trust-Based Relational Intervention Training, Part Three:

The most shocking thing I learned during the TBRI training week was that the professionals attending the training had an incredibly negative view of Christian adoptive/foster parents. The trainees came from adoption/foster care agencies and organizations across the country, but they were unanimous in their belief that Christian parents often made the worst possible adoptive/foster parents.

Now, people who call themselves “Christians” but act nothing like Christ have been doing a great deal of damage in the world for as long as Christianity has been around. But judging from the stories the TBRI trainees told, some of the Christian couples who had caused the most harm were trying their hardest to be great, godly parents. Where did they go wrong? Well, it seems that there is a portion of the Christian parent population whose parenting focus is on discipline and obedience. These are not bad things; my parents valued obedience and there was a very clear discipline structure in place, and I survived and thrived. And certainly, the number of obnoxious, ill-mannered children seems to be growing exponentially, so the impulse to teach and expect obedience is an understandable one.

Discipline and obedience are excellent values. But insisting that a child from a hard place self-regulate his behavior the same way that an untraumatized child could is like expecting a rabid dog to heel. The brain that is desperately trying to survive cannot think rationally. I cannot run from a mountain lion and do my taxes at the same time. (Let’s be honest, I can’t do my taxes even when I’m at my best!)

That being said, I would never advocate a parenting style that doesn’t teach obedience or correct inappropriate behavior. That is terrible for the children, and not really any fun for anyone. Disrespect and violence are never tolerated in TBRI. A main goal of the method is to heal the wounds that spur inappropriate behavior. Boundaries and structure are essential to helping these kids heal, and to creating calm and restorative environments and families.

Christians should not be known as being the worst at this style of loving, relationship-building correction. We should be the best. This style is God’s style. He gives us boundaries. He has a high standard of good behavior. When we treat Him or one another with disrespect or violence, He is deeply grieved. But, knowing that we are locked into destructive patterns of thought and behavior, He never turns His back on us. Instead, He sent His Son, Jesus, to walk with us and show us better thoughts, better patterns. God poured our punishment not on us, but on Jesus. He did not push us away; He brought us closer to Himself. And He gave us the Holy Spirit to continue guiding us. God’s focus is not on rules, but on relationship, for He wants our hearts to yearn to obey. Force and fear may cause temporary obedience, but obedience stems naturally out of love and a desire to please the loved one. As Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15)

My prayer is that Christian parents will be known not for their strict discipline, but for the abundance of their love, their grace, their mercy. If we get those right, then obedience, lasting, life-changing obedience, will follow.