Now there was a certain man from Ramathaim-zophim from the hill country of Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives: the name of one was Hannah and the name of the other Peninnah; and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.
Now this man would go up from his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice to the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests to the LORD there. When the day came that Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and her daughters; but to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the LORD had closed her womb. Her rival, however, would provoke her bitterly to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. It happened year after year, as often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she would provoke her; so she wept and would not eat. Then Elkanah her husband said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?”
Then Hannah rose after eating and drinking in Shiloh. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the temple of the LORD. She, greatly distressed, prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly. She made a vow and said, “O LORD of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a son, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life, and a razor shall never come on his head.”
Now it came about, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli was watching her mouth. As for Hannah, she was speaking in her heart, only her lips were moving, but her voice was not heard. So Eli thought she was drunk. Then Eli said to her, “How long will you make yourself drunk? Put away your wine from you.” But Hannah replied, “No, my lord, I am a woman oppressed in spirit; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not consider your maidservant as a worthless woman, for I have spoken until now out of my great concern and provocation.” Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him.” She said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.
Then they arose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned again to their house in Ramah. And Elkanah had relations with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; and she named him Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked him of the LORD.”
Then the man Elkanah went up with all his household to offer to the LORD the yearly sacrifice and pay his vow. But Hannah did not go up, for she said to her husband, “I will not go up until the child is weaned; then I will bring him, that he may appear before the LORD and stay there forever.” Elkanah her husband said to her, “Do what seems best to you. Remain until you have weaned him; only may the LORD confirm His word.” So the woman remained and nursed her son until she weaned him. Now when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with a three-year-old bull and one ephah of flour and a jug of wine, and brought him to the house of the LORD in Shiloh, although the child was young. Then they slaughtered the bull, and brought the boy to Eli. She said, “Oh, my lord! As your soul lives, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you, praying to the LORD. For this boy I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him. So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there. --1 Samuel 1
March 31, 2012
March 30, 2012
Great Saturday Event
This is horribly short notice, but if you are in Austin, you should come to tomorrow's meeting of the city-wide Adoption Community Group. Here's the info:
Lingering questions, doubts, concerns about adopting or fostering a child? Or have you already adopted/fostered and have experience to share? Adoption Community Group is setting the stage for an open, free-for-all, Q&A. In both large and small groups, we will discuss everything from "will I love an adopted child like I love my biological child?" to "if we have an open adoption, will my child feel confused or will I have to share being a mommy?" to "how do I know if my child is attaching to me?" Bring your questions and your experiences and join us March 31, 2012, 9:30AM - 11:30AM.
Small groups will include topics such as Open Adoption, Foster-to-Adopt, Adoption from Africa, Single Parent Adoption/Fostering, and Attachment.
Grace Covenant Church is hosting this month's ACG.
Adoption Community Group
Open Q&A
Saturday, March 31, 9:30AM - 11:30AM
Meeting location: Grace Covenant Church's main Worship Center building.
We hope you will join us!
Lingering questions, doubts, concerns about adopting or fostering a child? Or have you already adopted/fostered and have experience to share? Adoption Community Group is setting the stage for an open, free-for-all, Q&A. In both large and small groups, we will discuss everything from "will I love an adopted child like I love my biological child?" to "if we have an open adoption, will my child feel confused or will I have to share being a mommy?" to "how do I know if my child is attaching to me?" Bring your questions and your experiences and join us March 31, 2012, 9:30AM - 11:30AM.
Small groups will include topics such as Open Adoption, Foster-to-Adopt, Adoption from Africa, Single Parent Adoption/Fostering, and Attachment.
Grace Covenant Church is hosting this month's ACG.
Adoption Community Group
Open Q&A
Saturday, March 31, 9:30AM - 11:30AM
Meeting location: Grace Covenant Church's main Worship Center building.
We hope you will join us!
March 29, 2012
Seasons
I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end. --Ecclesiastes 3:10-11
There is much that delights me in this particular season of my life. I love having the time and life-space to volunteer at my church, to babysit friends' children, to check in on my younger sister. Helping other people is one of the top joys of my life, and I adore the fact that I have the time to do it often right now.
I am not as keen on the waiting aspect of this season. Sometimes it feels as though everything in my life is completely unsettled. That is an exaggeration, but it does feel that way sometimes. I feel adrift--waiting to see what will happen in several major life areas. And it is hard to wait for things that I want so much and yet have zero control over.
So I am working on trusting God, which is often a minute-by-minute dedication. It helps enormously that I can look back on my life and see His goodness and faithfulness again and again. And it is tremendously reassuring to know that He is sovereign, and my life is much better off in His hands than mine. His ways are hidden, but they are good.
Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6:31-33
There is much that delights me in this particular season of my life. I love having the time and life-space to volunteer at my church, to babysit friends' children, to check in on my younger sister. Helping other people is one of the top joys of my life, and I adore the fact that I have the time to do it often right now.
I am not as keen on the waiting aspect of this season. Sometimes it feels as though everything in my life is completely unsettled. That is an exaggeration, but it does feel that way sometimes. I feel adrift--waiting to see what will happen in several major life areas. And it is hard to wait for things that I want so much and yet have zero control over.
So I am working on trusting God, which is often a minute-by-minute dedication. It helps enormously that I can look back on my life and see His goodness and faithfulness again and again. And it is tremendously reassuring to know that He is sovereign, and my life is much better off in His hands than mine. His ways are hidden, but they are good.
Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6:31-33
March 27, 2012
Wait Upon the Lord
A lot has been going on this week, and by God's good grace, the following Chris Tomlin song has been stuck in my head:
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-31
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-31
March 26, 2012
Too Attached to Routine?
My younger sister, Anne, who has Down Syndrome, often gives me insights into rolling with special needs punches. I am not saying that kids with a history of trauma are intellectually deficient, but it is often the case that trauma (and the resulting survival skills) shuts down the more advanced-thinking areas of the brain during times of stress. It's the old "you don't need to do calculus equations when you're running from man-eating predators" switch in the brain that ensured mankind's survival for all those dodgy prehistoric eons.
One thing that continually puzzles/infuriates me is Anne's inability to understand future events. She simply cannot conceptualize future happenings the same way she understands current or routine happenings. She has a wall calendar that helps, but trying to plan an outing or a trip home with her is a complicated process that extends over many days and many conversations. To cope with this, she prefers a very strict routine. Very strict. And she cannot really comprehend suggestions for potential deviations from that routine.
For example, her birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year, so we are moving the birthday celebration to the following day. We do this often in our family, as we have complicated schedules and several holiday-adjacent birthdays. And always, moving a birthday means more of a celebration rather than less of one (except, unfortunately, in the case of my older sister, whose May birthday almost always coincided with a holiday, a graduation, or an exam period). But Anne is currently in a huff, thinking we are skipping her birthday.
Even more hilariously, however, was her response to my offer earlier today:
Me: "What would you think about getting together for lunch this Friday?"
Anne: "I can't. I go bowling at 1."
Me: "I always bring you back by 1. We'll have plenty of time. Or we could do a picnic so you'll be right on campus and not even a minute late for bowling."
Anne: "I am in Group 1. We are bowling this Friday. It takes my whole day, sorry."
Me: "Okay, what if we did dinner and a movie instead? I can pick you up after you get back from bowling at 3."
Anne (exasperated and faintly condescending): "Carly, Friday night is my laundry night."
Yup, I just got stood up for laundry. I did launch into a short, destined-to-fail argument that she do her laundry at my house while we had dinner and chatted or watched a movie. No dice. And did I mention? She has two laundry nights a week, so it wouldn't really be putting her behind at all to miss one.
Time is, apparently, a complex concept. My nephew went through a long phase in his toddler-hood where every story that ever happened in his entire life happened "yesterday." It takes higher-level reasoning to comprehend time, and particularly to envision, plan for, and rearrange, future time. And while it drives me absolutely nuts when Anne can't deviate from her routine for even a blasted millisecond, I understand that her routine is what keeps her world predictable, manageable, and safe. When her schedule is disrupted, it freaks her out. When she doesn't know when she is supposed to be somewhere, she cannot handle it. I have learned that even saying "we'll go as soon as I've finished ____" is too complicated, and I've been known to just pick an arbitrary time if I don't have one planned already. Instead of saying, "just let me put my shoes on, and then we'll go for a walk," I've learned to say, "In five minutes, we will go for a walk."
Working with "kids from hard places," I have noticed this same inability to think beyond rightthisverysecond. Try saying "we can't go swimming until it is warmer outside," and you will get a kid standing outside asking over and over, "Is it warm enough yet?" And as you can imagine, that gets annoying really quickly.
So what can we do? ROUTINE. Make your life as predictable as possible. Transition between activities with painstaking babysteps. Give directions one at a time. One suggestion I heard and loved was to have the day planned out on flashcards that the kid could hold. And one card would say "wild card!" It would cover anything unexpected, and would have written on it (or in pictures for younger kids) some coping strategies for when something unexpected happens.
Routine can be boring. It can be frustrating that you can't just take your sister out to dinner because that would infringe on her sacred rite of laundry. But it makes her world stable. It reduces her stress. With kiddos, it reduces tantrums and, over time, dismantles the fear response and brings the higher-functioning areas of the brain slowly into play. And that's worth a few commitments to predictability.
One thing that continually puzzles/infuriates me is Anne's inability to understand future events. She simply cannot conceptualize future happenings the same way she understands current or routine happenings. She has a wall calendar that helps, but trying to plan an outing or a trip home with her is a complicated process that extends over many days and many conversations. To cope with this, she prefers a very strict routine. Very strict. And she cannot really comprehend suggestions for potential deviations from that routine.
For example, her birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year, so we are moving the birthday celebration to the following day. We do this often in our family, as we have complicated schedules and several holiday-adjacent birthdays. And always, moving a birthday means more of a celebration rather than less of one (except, unfortunately, in the case of my older sister, whose May birthday almost always coincided with a holiday, a graduation, or an exam period). But Anne is currently in a huff, thinking we are skipping her birthday.
Even more hilariously, however, was her response to my offer earlier today:
Me: "What would you think about getting together for lunch this Friday?"
Anne: "I can't. I go bowling at 1."
Me: "I always bring you back by 1. We'll have plenty of time. Or we could do a picnic so you'll be right on campus and not even a minute late for bowling."
Anne: "I am in Group 1. We are bowling this Friday. It takes my whole day, sorry."
Me: "Okay, what if we did dinner and a movie instead? I can pick you up after you get back from bowling at 3."
Anne (exasperated and faintly condescending): "Carly, Friday night is my laundry night."
Yup, I just got stood up for laundry. I did launch into a short, destined-to-fail argument that she do her laundry at my house while we had dinner and chatted or watched a movie. No dice. And did I mention? She has two laundry nights a week, so it wouldn't really be putting her behind at all to miss one.
Time is, apparently, a complex concept. My nephew went through a long phase in his toddler-hood where every story that ever happened in his entire life happened "yesterday." It takes higher-level reasoning to comprehend time, and particularly to envision, plan for, and rearrange, future time. And while it drives me absolutely nuts when Anne can't deviate from her routine for even a blasted millisecond, I understand that her routine is what keeps her world predictable, manageable, and safe. When her schedule is disrupted, it freaks her out. When she doesn't know when she is supposed to be somewhere, she cannot handle it. I have learned that even saying "we'll go as soon as I've finished ____" is too complicated, and I've been known to just pick an arbitrary time if I don't have one planned already. Instead of saying, "just let me put my shoes on, and then we'll go for a walk," I've learned to say, "In five minutes, we will go for a walk."
Working with "kids from hard places," I have noticed this same inability to think beyond rightthisverysecond. Try saying "we can't go swimming until it is warmer outside," and you will get a kid standing outside asking over and over, "Is it warm enough yet?" And as you can imagine, that gets annoying really quickly.
So what can we do? ROUTINE. Make your life as predictable as possible. Transition between activities with painstaking babysteps. Give directions one at a time. One suggestion I heard and loved was to have the day planned out on flashcards that the kid could hold. And one card would say "wild card!" It would cover anything unexpected, and would have written on it (or in pictures for younger kids) some coping strategies for when something unexpected happens.
Routine can be boring. It can be frustrating that you can't just take your sister out to dinner because that would infringe on her sacred rite of laundry. But it makes her world stable. It reduces her stress. With kiddos, it reduces tantrums and, over time, dismantles the fear response and brings the higher-functioning areas of the brain slowly into play. And that's worth a few commitments to predictability.
Scripture Sunday: 2nd Original 'Psalm'
Yesterday I posted my psalm of lament. Today I give you my Psalm of praise:
My God,
You have favored me despite my many iniquities.
You have lifted me up, forgiving my disobedience.
You saw me mired in darkness and despair
And shone the light of Your kindness on my face.
You gave my wandering steps a clear-marked path
And held my wounded heart within Your healing hands.
I will praise You with my singing, Lord!
I will extol Your glories in the marketplace!
You have drawn my barren arms around the motherless;
The fatherless You have given into my care.
The day is not long enough for me to praise You!
The night ends before I can speak adequately of Your grace!
My heart bursts within me at the thought of Your lovingkindness
And my tongue stumbles to describe Your holiness.
Your mercy, Lord, who can articulate?
Your gifts, O Lord, who can repay?
Give me words, my God, to praise Your name.
Grant me strength to worship You,
Even when the world is silent.
Empower me to sing Your glory
Even in the darkest night.
My God,
You have favored me despite my many iniquities.
You have lifted me up, forgiving my disobedience.
You saw me mired in darkness and despair
And shone the light of Your kindness on my face.
You gave my wandering steps a clear-marked path
And held my wounded heart within Your healing hands.
I will praise You with my singing, Lord!
I will extol Your glories in the marketplace!
You have drawn my barren arms around the motherless;
The fatherless You have given into my care.
The day is not long enough for me to praise You!
The night ends before I can speak adequately of Your grace!
My heart bursts within me at the thought of Your lovingkindness
And my tongue stumbles to describe Your holiness.
Your mercy, Lord, who can articulate?
Your gifts, O Lord, who can repay?
Give me words, my God, to praise Your name.
Grant me strength to worship You,
Even when the world is silent.
Empower me to sing Your glory
Even in the darkest night.
March 24, 2012
Scripture Saturday: Original 'Psalm'
I know I promised a post about the chore chart I bought the other day. It's coming. But I realized today that I had an assignment due at midnight--to write two original 'psalms,' one a psalm of lament and one a psalm of praise. So I thought I would post the lament tonight and the praise tomorrow. It was a super fun assignment, and I loved getting to step into the voice of the psalmists, who composed one of my all-time favorite books of the Bible. It's hard to live up to the standard set by the Holy Spirit, but I did my best. =)
How long, O Lord,
Will You sit silent on Your holy mountain?
How long will You hear the cries of Your children
And turn away?
You fill the earth, O Lord;
No corner of the heavens is unknown to You.
Your vision plumbs the greatest depths,
And Your ear inclines to the smallest cricket.
Yet Your children weep
And go uncomforted.
The smallest infants stretch their arms for food
And clutch only air.
Evil stalks unchecked throughout Your realm
Strewing violence and torture with no threat of retribution.
Eternal Father, where is the might of Your hand?
Have You withdrawn the shelter of Your shoulders?
Will You turn away from such suffering
And glance not upon these iniquities?
Delay no longer, Lord!
Stretch out Your mighty fist to crush,
Bring forth the whip of righteous vengeance,
And strike these murderous tormenters down.
Deliver Your children, Lord,
That Your name may be feared among the nations,
And the unprotected may take shelter under Your wing.
Bring painful justice to these transgressors,
That the world may exalt Your holy Name.
How long, O Lord,
Will You sit silent on Your holy mountain?
How long will You hear the cries of Your children
And turn away?
You fill the earth, O Lord;
No corner of the heavens is unknown to You.
Your vision plumbs the greatest depths,
And Your ear inclines to the smallest cricket.
Yet Your children weep
And go uncomforted.
The smallest infants stretch their arms for food
And clutch only air.
Evil stalks unchecked throughout Your realm
Strewing violence and torture with no threat of retribution.
Eternal Father, where is the might of Your hand?
Have You withdrawn the shelter of Your shoulders?
Will You turn away from such suffering
And glance not upon these iniquities?
Delay no longer, Lord!
Stretch out Your mighty fist to crush,
Bring forth the whip of righteous vengeance,
And strike these murderous tormenters down.
Deliver Your children, Lord,
That Your name may be feared among the nations,
And the unprotected may take shelter under Your wing.
Bring painful justice to these transgressors,
That the world may exalt Your holy Name.
March 23, 2012
March 22, 2012
Kids and Chores
Check out this great post about involving kids in household chores.
Their future wives/husbands will thank you!!
Their future wives/husbands will thank you!!
March 21, 2012
Easter!!
I hate event planning. Hate it. You can read a post I wrote on that topic a few months ago here. Yet I consistently get press-ganged into event planning in almost every single work/volunteer/school situation.
I come from a family of some of the most fantastically organized, detail-oriented women on the planet. Next to them, I look like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. I still remember my older sister agonizing over the fact that the under-cloths on the tables at her wedding reception were the wrong color. I kept it to myself at the time, but I hadn't realized there were cloths on the tables at all, much less two cloths in coordinating colors.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I entered the big bad world and discovered that I am, in fact, far more organized and detail-oriented than the general public. And it turns out that in the realm of highly visionary church leaders, my (seriously not very high) level of organization and detail-awareness is downright impressive. Which is all great and lovely until it means I get tapped to do some major event planning.
A few weeks ago, for example, I was asked to be in charge of the 4-and-under-out-of-diapers room for my church's Easter service. It is a huge honor, and I accepted. Only to realize, several weeks in, that this is event planning on a massive scale. Our Easter service will be held at a sports arena (the Frank Erwin Center in Austin), and there will be about 15,000 people all worshiping Christ together. We're expecting 250 2-4 year olds in my room alone for three hours (an hour for check in and another for check out--the service itself is only set to be 1 hr 15 minutes-ish). So it's kind of a big deal. [P.S. You should absolutely come if you are in Austin--last year's service was AMAZING!]
And here's the crazy part--I'm not panicking. Yes, there has been a lot of work to do, and there is a lot more to come. Yes, I've counted tiny foam stickers until my eyes crossed. And yes, that weekend is going to be an utterly exhausting blur of sweaty stressed out stupefaction. But I am so excited!! We get to tell the best story in the world to my favorite people in the world!
Event planning stresses me out because I am never convinced that my planning was good enough, that people were pleased enough, that things ran smoothly enough. Planning this event is hard work, but I take such joy in knowing that, as long as we get the gospel in front of those kiddos, Christ is glorified. We might run out of stickers. We might have some kids who hate the snack option. Inevitably, someone (and it will most likely be me) will experience a massive and/or bloody injury. But if we can share the gospel and the deep, explosive joy of the resurrection with tiny kiddos, then that is a huge huge win.
Satan doesn't want it to work. He will throw roadblocks in our way; I know it. But JESUS, whose power far surpasses the enemy's, wants those kids to know Him, to know His love for them, and to bask delightedly in His love and all-sufficient sacrifice. So I am not panicking. I am resting in the power of the Holy Spirit to guide my plans and my words and to guard that day. And I can't wait!
I come from a family of some of the most fantastically organized, detail-oriented women on the planet. Next to them, I look like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. I still remember my older sister agonizing over the fact that the under-cloths on the tables at her wedding reception were the wrong color. I kept it to myself at the time, but I hadn't realized there were cloths on the tables at all, much less two cloths in coordinating colors.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I entered the big bad world and discovered that I am, in fact, far more organized and detail-oriented than the general public. And it turns out that in the realm of highly visionary church leaders, my (seriously not very high) level of organization and detail-awareness is downright impressive. Which is all great and lovely until it means I get tapped to do some major event planning.
A few weeks ago, for example, I was asked to be in charge of the 4-and-under-out-of-diapers room for my church's Easter service. It is a huge honor, and I accepted. Only to realize, several weeks in, that this is event planning on a massive scale. Our Easter service will be held at a sports arena (the Frank Erwin Center in Austin), and there will be about 15,000 people all worshiping Christ together. We're expecting 250 2-4 year olds in my room alone for three hours (an hour for check in and another for check out--the service itself is only set to be 1 hr 15 minutes-ish). So it's kind of a big deal. [P.S. You should absolutely come if you are in Austin--last year's service was AMAZING!]
And here's the crazy part--I'm not panicking. Yes, there has been a lot of work to do, and there is a lot more to come. Yes, I've counted tiny foam stickers until my eyes crossed. And yes, that weekend is going to be an utterly exhausting blur of sweaty stressed out stupefaction. But I am so excited!! We get to tell the best story in the world to my favorite people in the world!
Event planning stresses me out because I am never convinced that my planning was good enough, that people were pleased enough, that things ran smoothly enough. Planning this event is hard work, but I take such joy in knowing that, as long as we get the gospel in front of those kiddos, Christ is glorified. We might run out of stickers. We might have some kids who hate the snack option. Inevitably, someone (and it will most likely be me) will experience a massive and/or bloody injury. But if we can share the gospel and the deep, explosive joy of the resurrection with tiny kiddos, then that is a huge huge win.
Satan doesn't want it to work. He will throw roadblocks in our way; I know it. But JESUS, whose power far surpasses the enemy's, wants those kids to know Him, to know His love for them, and to bask delightedly in His love and all-sufficient sacrifice. So I am not panicking. I am resting in the power of the Holy Spirit to guide my plans and my words and to guard that day. And I can't wait!
March 20, 2012
The Urge to Run
The blog post I linked to yesterday talked about the irrational, powerful urge to run that parents get at some point(s) in the adoption journey. I would guess that all parents, especially new ones, have a moment of sheer panic in the first few days or weeks of their parenthood, whether it is a biological parenthood or not. A moment in which phrases like “what the bleep was I thinking, having a kid??” and “I can’t do this!!” echo around the room, perhaps accompanied by weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Becoming a parent means suddenly accepting responsibility for the life, welfare, and happiness of another human being. That, in itself, is overwhelming, especially since most of us aren’t always 100% competent when it comes to being responsible for our own lives, much less our own welfare and happiness. And then you add in the fact that this tiny person is a complete stranger (whether he or she shares your DNA or not), and the prospect is wildly overwhelming.
The idea that any sane human being would volunteer for this kind of responsibility is simply ridiculous, and I can picture God giggling to Himself, inventing sex as the divine hoodwink that makes humans parents. Oxytocin has a lot to answer for.
The difficult thing about adoption and foster care in this whole situation is that you do have the option of saying no. A mom with a newborn can cry and flail and scream at God that He should have made this whole thing easier, but she will have a tough time handing the child back to the hospital and saying “sorry, I changed my mind.” [It happens, though it is not the norm.] With adoption and foster care, on the other hand, there are a hundred opportunities to say no, to run.
I made it three days into my recent respite stint before sending a frantic email to my mom that I was crazy to think I could ever adopt and I wasn’t doing it ever ever ever. I made it about three minutes after handing her back to her family before I prayed, “okay fine, Lord, I’ll do it.” Clearly, it's not an accident that I’m studying the book of Jonah in my seminary course this semester. =)
The urge to run is strong. It is especially strong when you have been, as I have been, single and blissfully independent for a long time. There is no pregnancy to break me in to increasing levels of discomfort. There is just me, single and in apparent control of my time, energy, and resources one minute, and then me, a mom, in the next. The pull of personal comfort is so incredibly strong sometimes, I can hardly describe it. And taking care of children, particularly if they are wounded children, is unbelievably taxing. I have never in my life been as exhausted as I was during those nine days of respite.
But.
Jesus doesn’t call us to calmly set aside our old life and follow Him. He says we are to die to it. And dying, for Him at least, was incredibly painful, desperately uncomfortable, and definitely exhausting. He prayed, with an earnestness that wrung blood from His pores, to be spared what God had commanded Him to do. But because God willed it, He obeyed.
Those nine days of respite taught me a year’s worth of wisdom. And I firmly believe that much of it was hard because of God’s grace. He knows the way my heart is wired—He’s the one who wired it. He knew it would take a massive, repetitive, brutal bludgeoning from Him before I said no to keeping that little girl. I am hopeless at saying no to helping wounded children. He knows this, and so every step of the way He made His will clear to me, even though making it clear meant exhausting me and filling me with despair. I am grateful for His forcefulness, and see infinite mercy in what seemed at the time like brutality. And I am confident that the family she has now is the family He ordained for her.
In a chapel talk during my first week of seminary, Dr. Donald Campbell advised, “Do not doubt in the dark what God has revealed to you in the light.” I am a slow learner in matters of faith (remember I spent 15 years as a stiff-necked atheist), but I have learned the truth of that statement again and again. God called me to adoption as clearly as if He had stepped in front of my car on the freeway and handed me an engraved plaque of instructions. He has woven my entire life to prepare me for that calling, and He has trained me for its challenges in ways I could never have imagined clearly enough to even wish for. He has orchestrated the timing in ways that made me first furious, next baffled, and finally, infinitely grateful. This God of ours knows what He is doing.
He does not call us to what is easy, what is comfortable, what fits neatly into our spare half hour every week. This God calls us to die. And He obeyed that calling first, to show us the way.
I don’t know exactly what lies ahead. I do know that the bits and pieces I can catch a glimpse of leave me breathless with excitement. I know that, if I am faithful, He will sustain me with the infinite power of His Holy Spirit. And I know that I have never once regretted following His will rather than my own desires.
Becoming a parent means suddenly accepting responsibility for the life, welfare, and happiness of another human being. That, in itself, is overwhelming, especially since most of us aren’t always 100% competent when it comes to being responsible for our own lives, much less our own welfare and happiness. And then you add in the fact that this tiny person is a complete stranger (whether he or she shares your DNA or not), and the prospect is wildly overwhelming.
The idea that any sane human being would volunteer for this kind of responsibility is simply ridiculous, and I can picture God giggling to Himself, inventing sex as the divine hoodwink that makes humans parents. Oxytocin has a lot to answer for.
The difficult thing about adoption and foster care in this whole situation is that you do have the option of saying no. A mom with a newborn can cry and flail and scream at God that He should have made this whole thing easier, but she will have a tough time handing the child back to the hospital and saying “sorry, I changed my mind.” [It happens, though it is not the norm.] With adoption and foster care, on the other hand, there are a hundred opportunities to say no, to run.
I made it three days into my recent respite stint before sending a frantic email to my mom that I was crazy to think I could ever adopt and I wasn’t doing it ever ever ever. I made it about three minutes after handing her back to her family before I prayed, “okay fine, Lord, I’ll do it.” Clearly, it's not an accident that I’m studying the book of Jonah in my seminary course this semester. =)
The urge to run is strong. It is especially strong when you have been, as I have been, single and blissfully independent for a long time. There is no pregnancy to break me in to increasing levels of discomfort. There is just me, single and in apparent control of my time, energy, and resources one minute, and then me, a mom, in the next. The pull of personal comfort is so incredibly strong sometimes, I can hardly describe it. And taking care of children, particularly if they are wounded children, is unbelievably taxing. I have never in my life been as exhausted as I was during those nine days of respite.
But.
Jesus doesn’t call us to calmly set aside our old life and follow Him. He says we are to die to it. And dying, for Him at least, was incredibly painful, desperately uncomfortable, and definitely exhausting. He prayed, with an earnestness that wrung blood from His pores, to be spared what God had commanded Him to do. But because God willed it, He obeyed.
Those nine days of respite taught me a year’s worth of wisdom. And I firmly believe that much of it was hard because of God’s grace. He knows the way my heart is wired—He’s the one who wired it. He knew it would take a massive, repetitive, brutal bludgeoning from Him before I said no to keeping that little girl. I am hopeless at saying no to helping wounded children. He knows this, and so every step of the way He made His will clear to me, even though making it clear meant exhausting me and filling me with despair. I am grateful for His forcefulness, and see infinite mercy in what seemed at the time like brutality. And I am confident that the family she has now is the family He ordained for her.
In a chapel talk during my first week of seminary, Dr. Donald Campbell advised, “Do not doubt in the dark what God has revealed to you in the light.” I am a slow learner in matters of faith (remember I spent 15 years as a stiff-necked atheist), but I have learned the truth of that statement again and again. God called me to adoption as clearly as if He had stepped in front of my car on the freeway and handed me an engraved plaque of instructions. He has woven my entire life to prepare me for that calling, and He has trained me for its challenges in ways I could never have imagined clearly enough to even wish for. He has orchestrated the timing in ways that made me first furious, next baffled, and finally, infinitely grateful. This God of ours knows what He is doing.
He does not call us to what is easy, what is comfortable, what fits neatly into our spare half hour every week. This God calls us to die. And He obeyed that calling first, to show us the way.
I don’t know exactly what lies ahead. I do know that the bits and pieces I can catch a glimpse of leave me breathless with excitement. I know that, if I am faithful, He will sustain me with the infinite power of His Holy Spirit. And I know that I have never once regretted following His will rather than my own desires.
March 19, 2012
A Great Post at Christian Alliance for Orphans
I have about fourteen blog posts rattling around in my head, but I was staying with family and no internet last week, and then got a stomach bug this weekend, so I'm behind in posting. And now that I have internet access, I'm too tired to process which post to type up first. =)
In the meantime, check out a great post here on "Relief from the Ease." It's a good (and better written) preview of what I'll be posting about over the next week.
In the meantime, check out a great post here on "Relief from the Ease." It's a good (and better written) preview of what I'll be posting about over the next week.
March 11, 2012
Joy
I've got the joy joy joy joy
Down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart
I've got the joy joy joy joy
Down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy
So very happy
I have the love of Jesus in my heart
And I'm so happy
So very happy
I have the love of Jesus in my heart!!
(And also my whole family is together for the first time since last June--thank you Lord!)
Down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart
I've got the joy joy joy joy
Down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy
So very happy
I have the love of Jesus in my heart
And I'm so happy
So very happy
I have the love of Jesus in my heart!!
(And also my whole family is together for the first time since last June--thank you Lord!)
March 10, 2012
Quote of the Day
Will, my five year old nephew, arrived in Austin today with his family, who moved from Austin to Vermont last June. This is their first visit back to Austin, and to say I'm ecstatic would be putting it mildly.
As he held my hand on the way to Baggage Claim, Will asked me, "Were you sad when I was not in this state?"
Yes, darling, you bet I was.
Love, love, love.
As he held my hand on the way to Baggage Claim, Will asked me, "Were you sad when I was not in this state?"
Yes, darling, you bet I was.
Love, love, love.
March 9, 2012
Read This!!
So I have a post on "what I have learned in the five days since my foster kiddo went back home" percolating in my brain.
But it's not quite ready yet, so instead, read this far better post. It's from a woman I've never met (but who I absolutely adore and would stalk if I had the free time). She and her family adopted two darlings from Ethiopia last summer, ages 5 and 8. She has SO much wisdom to share. I insist you read her recent post. And I bet you'll want to stalk her too. =)
But it's not quite ready yet, so instead, read this far better post. It's from a woman I've never met (but who I absolutely adore and would stalk if I had the free time). She and her family adopted two darlings from Ethiopia last summer, ages 5 and 8. She has SO much wisdom to share. I insist you read her recent post. And I bet you'll want to stalk her too. =)
March 8, 2012
Quiet Time Explained
If you read my post about the daily schedule I kept while I had a foster kiddo (for a 9 day respite care stint), then you'll be wondering what the heck "quiet time" is. It sounds fantastic, but is it real? Is it like a unicorn, a fantasy too wondrous to truly exist? Nope. It's real, people, and it's amazing.
I grew up with "quiet time," though I believe we called it "rest hour." Throughout my entire childhood, my mother designated a period of time after lunch as "rest hour" or "quiet time." I give alternate titles because I'm fairly certain it was longer than an hour most of the time. I would guess it was 90 minutes to 2 hours, but then it probably depended on just how annoying we were on a given day. In my own experience as a caregiver, it has always been between 60 and 90 minutes.
So what is it??
"Quiet time," regardless of what you call it, is a dedicated period of time (usually in the afternoon) in which everyone goes to his/her room for a set time of being alone. There are a few ground rules:
1. It is NEVER a punishment. There are times when we will dictate a longer quiet time, but we are always careful to point out that this is because of increased fatigue (for the adult or the child) and is not a consequence of behavior.
2. Parameters vary according to the child. For example, we (as kids) read or played quietly during quiet time, in our rooms, with the door shut. My foster kiddo, on the other hand, had the entire second floor to hang out in during quiet time, and could be loud (within reason).
3. Consistency is key. Quiet time exists every single day (except school days). There was no opportunity to negotiate out of a quiet time-- if gymnastics class interfered with the regular quiet time schedule, we simply pushed it back. The child could negotiate a shorter quiet time, but I always orchestrated this so that the negotiated quiet time was never less than an hour (this often required starting with a really long quiet time and letting the child ask for a "compromise" that was shorter but still within the bounds I had previously set in my mind---does that make sense?)
What is the purpose of quiet time?
For one thing, as an introverted parent, quiet time gave me the breathing space to retain my sanity and high level of loving care. When I was a kid, my mother explained that everyone must learn to be alone some of the time. She said it in a positive, non- critical/depressing/punitive way, so we never felt like quiet time was the place we went when she couldn't handle how annoying we were.
Also, you will need to adapt quiet time to the particular needs of your child. As a kid, I would read during quiet time, and often asked for more time when the allotted time was over. I am learning that this is rare behavior. =) For my foster kiddo, we (together) made sure that she had enough supplies for quiet time. I would give her lots of materials to make sure that her time could be spent in imaginative play (dress-up, teacher, rockstar, etc) without having to knock on my door. One of my nieces is possibly the most extroverted person on the planet, so when she stays with me, we have a deal that she spends half of quiet time talking (quietly) to me in my bedroom, and the other half playing or reading alone. Audio books are another great option if you have a super-extrovert.
Stick to it. As an introvert, I literally cannot function without quiet time. So it was vital that I made it part of the day. The first day, my foster kiddo popped into my room every five minutes. By the eighth day, she only came out once, and that was to slip something silently under my door. You just have to stick with it, and never treat it as punitive, and the kids will come around. I actually locked my bedroom door during one quiet time (we had gone swimming that morning, and I needed to take a shower), and it proved a turning point in our quiet time procedures. She could still talk to me if she needed to, but she couldn't see me. This worked (though I would recommend you proceed on a case-by-case basis on stuff like this). A few days later, she asked why I locked my door during quiet time. I explained that I was happy to talk to her if she needed something, but that quiet time was a time in which we needed to be separate. She understood.
Isn't the concept of "quiet time" weird?
Maybe. It certainly takes a while for extroverted children to adjust to the idea. But let's face it, no matter which personality type you have, there are going to be times in your life when you need to be okay spending time alone. I believe it is better to practice the skill of coping with those times while you are young. I also believe that parents need to guard their own sanity so that they can be the best caregivers possible for their children. For me, quiet time meets both of those goals. As long as you make sure it is not a punitive situation, this hour of the day could be the period of most growth in both you and your child.
I grew up with "quiet time," though I believe we called it "rest hour." Throughout my entire childhood, my mother designated a period of time after lunch as "rest hour" or "quiet time." I give alternate titles because I'm fairly certain it was longer than an hour most of the time. I would guess it was 90 minutes to 2 hours, but then it probably depended on just how annoying we were on a given day. In my own experience as a caregiver, it has always been between 60 and 90 minutes.
So what is it??
"Quiet time," regardless of what you call it, is a dedicated period of time (usually in the afternoon) in which everyone goes to his/her room for a set time of being alone. There are a few ground rules:
1. It is NEVER a punishment. There are times when we will dictate a longer quiet time, but we are always careful to point out that this is because of increased fatigue (for the adult or the child) and is not a consequence of behavior.
2. Parameters vary according to the child. For example, we (as kids) read or played quietly during quiet time, in our rooms, with the door shut. My foster kiddo, on the other hand, had the entire second floor to hang out in during quiet time, and could be loud (within reason).
3. Consistency is key. Quiet time exists every single day (except school days). There was no opportunity to negotiate out of a quiet time-- if gymnastics class interfered with the regular quiet time schedule, we simply pushed it back. The child could negotiate a shorter quiet time, but I always orchestrated this so that the negotiated quiet time was never less than an hour (this often required starting with a really long quiet time and letting the child ask for a "compromise" that was shorter but still within the bounds I had previously set in my mind---does that make sense?)
What is the purpose of quiet time?
For one thing, as an introverted parent, quiet time gave me the breathing space to retain my sanity and high level of loving care. When I was a kid, my mother explained that everyone must learn to be alone some of the time. She said it in a positive, non- critical/depressing/punitive way, so we never felt like quiet time was the place we went when she couldn't handle how annoying we were.
Also, you will need to adapt quiet time to the particular needs of your child. As a kid, I would read during quiet time, and often asked for more time when the allotted time was over. I am learning that this is rare behavior. =) For my foster kiddo, we (together) made sure that she had enough supplies for quiet time. I would give her lots of materials to make sure that her time could be spent in imaginative play (dress-up, teacher, rockstar, etc) without having to knock on my door. One of my nieces is possibly the most extroverted person on the planet, so when she stays with me, we have a deal that she spends half of quiet time talking (quietly) to me in my bedroom, and the other half playing or reading alone. Audio books are another great option if you have a super-extrovert.
Stick to it. As an introvert, I literally cannot function without quiet time. So it was vital that I made it part of the day. The first day, my foster kiddo popped into my room every five minutes. By the eighth day, she only came out once, and that was to slip something silently under my door. You just have to stick with it, and never treat it as punitive, and the kids will come around. I actually locked my bedroom door during one quiet time (we had gone swimming that morning, and I needed to take a shower), and it proved a turning point in our quiet time procedures. She could still talk to me if she needed to, but she couldn't see me. This worked (though I would recommend you proceed on a case-by-case basis on stuff like this). A few days later, she asked why I locked my door during quiet time. I explained that I was happy to talk to her if she needed something, but that quiet time was a time in which we needed to be separate. She understood.
Isn't the concept of "quiet time" weird?
Maybe. It certainly takes a while for extroverted children to adjust to the idea. But let's face it, no matter which personality type you have, there are going to be times in your life when you need to be okay spending time alone. I believe it is better to practice the skill of coping with those times while you are young. I also believe that parents need to guard their own sanity so that they can be the best caregivers possible for their children. For me, quiet time meets both of those goals. As long as you make sure it is not a punitive situation, this hour of the day could be the period of most growth in both you and your child.
March 7, 2012
Spread the Word to End the Word
In my lifetime, I have watched a word I grew up hating become one of the most common slang words in America. One report I watched earlier today said it appears on Facebook over 6,000 times a day. I am one of the world's least confrontational introverts, but I have gone up to strangers in public and asked them not to use it. My one rule in my time as a youth minister was that my kids not ever say it (and to their immense credit, they didn't). It has become a catchall word for something uncool, as an insult, or even just as an expression of frustration. It is everywhere, and that has to stop.
The word is retard.
Most of the time, people who use it don't mean to be insulting or offensive. But if you had heard that word hurled across playgrounds at the person you loved most in the world? You'd hate it too.
There is a great organization working to raise awareness of just how offensive this word is. You can check out their site here. They have lots of ways to encourage an end of this word and to instruct folks on how to get others to quit using it. March 7th is the day they have chosen to bring national awareness to this unacceptable word.
Challenge yourself to challenge those who use this word without thinking. Let us all challenge ourselves to choose our words with respect and creativity rather than out of ignorance or habit.
My younger sister, Anne, has Down Syndrome. A million words describe her: loving, sweet, friendly, kind, helpful, joyful, devoted, funny, patient, strong-willed, soft-hearted, exuberant, a blessing. And yes, she absolutely is different.
She's better.
If you met her, you'd love her. And then you too would want to punch every person who ever uses this word as an insult. And you'd certainly want to correct anyone who uses it without thinking. See her face. Change your words.
The word is retard.
Most of the time, people who use it don't mean to be insulting or offensive. But if you had heard that word hurled across playgrounds at the person you loved most in the world? You'd hate it too.
There is a great organization working to raise awareness of just how offensive this word is. You can check out their site here. They have lots of ways to encourage an end of this word and to instruct folks on how to get others to quit using it. March 7th is the day they have chosen to bring national awareness to this unacceptable word.
Challenge yourself to challenge those who use this word without thinking. Let us all challenge ourselves to choose our words with respect and creativity rather than out of ignorance or habit.
My younger sister, Anne, has Down Syndrome. A million words describe her: loving, sweet, friendly, kind, helpful, joyful, devoted, funny, patient, strong-willed, soft-hearted, exuberant, a blessing. And yes, she absolutely is different.
She's better.
If you met her, you'd love her. And then you too would want to punch every person who ever uses this word as an insult. And you'd certainly want to correct anyone who uses it without thinking. See her face. Change your words.
March 6, 2012
Psalm 10:16-18
O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,
So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.
You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,
So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.
March 4, 2012
Lessons from Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle
"Of course the reason that all the children in our town like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is because Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle likes them. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle likes children; she enjoys talking to them and best of all they do not irritate her...So you can see that loving children the way she does, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle just naturally understands them even when they are being very difficult." Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle's Magic
This passage leads me to two conclusions:
1. I would like to be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle when I grow up.
2. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is able to love children in this way because she has her house to herself at night.
I love children. I think they are fascinating, hilarious, and unendingly lovable. The more they misbehave, it seems, the more I love them.
But I have learned this week that I can sustain this love for 40-70 hours a week, not for 168. I can be the most loving, most creative, most fun caregiver as long as I can retreat to my beloved fortress of solitude each night and recoup my energy. Turns out, unfortunately, that I cannot handle the all-day-every-day business of being a parent.
And so. I have gained an enormous respect for those introverts who do parent. You all are superheroes. And I have gained perspective on what I can and cannot handle as I strive to serve my Savior. I have come up against more selfishness in my heart than I ever dreaded to see. And I have gained a wealth of painful humility.
I love the orphan. I pray God will use me to serve orphans and the families who embrace them in their distress. But I have also come up against the ugly truth that I value my own pursuits and, to some degree, comfort, more highly than I value the plight of the particular fatherless ones who have crossed my path.
What will God do with this revelation in my life? I don't know. The future is murky at best. I pray that my heart will always seek His glory first, and my own comfort last, but that life of self-sacrifice must be somehow sustainable. And therein lies the tension. I do not know what the future holds. As my favorite book relates, "all is to come."
"'With infinite time before us,’ said Neville, ‘we ask what shall we do? Shall we loiter down Bond Street, looking here and there, and buying perhaps a fountain-pen because it is green, or asking how much is the ring with the blue stone? Or shall we sit indoors and watch the coals turn crimson? Shall we stretch our hands for books and read here a passage and there a passage? Shall we shout with laughter for no reason? Shall we push through flowering meadows and make daisy chains? Shall we find out when the next train starts for the Hebrides and engage a reserved compartment? All is to come.’" --Virginia Woolf, The Waves
This passage leads me to two conclusions:
1. I would like to be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle when I grow up.
2. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is able to love children in this way because she has her house to herself at night.
I love children. I think they are fascinating, hilarious, and unendingly lovable. The more they misbehave, it seems, the more I love them.
But I have learned this week that I can sustain this love for 40-70 hours a week, not for 168. I can be the most loving, most creative, most fun caregiver as long as I can retreat to my beloved fortress of solitude each night and recoup my energy. Turns out, unfortunately, that I cannot handle the all-day-every-day business of being a parent.
And so. I have gained an enormous respect for those introverts who do parent. You all are superheroes. And I have gained perspective on what I can and cannot handle as I strive to serve my Savior. I have come up against more selfishness in my heart than I ever dreaded to see. And I have gained a wealth of painful humility.
I love the orphan. I pray God will use me to serve orphans and the families who embrace them in their distress. But I have also come up against the ugly truth that I value my own pursuits and, to some degree, comfort, more highly than I value the plight of the particular fatherless ones who have crossed my path.
What will God do with this revelation in my life? I don't know. The future is murky at best. I pray that my heart will always seek His glory first, and my own comfort last, but that life of self-sacrifice must be somehow sustainable. And therein lies the tension. I do not know what the future holds. As my favorite book relates, "all is to come."
"'With infinite time before us,’ said Neville, ‘we ask what shall we do? Shall we loiter down Bond Street, looking here and there, and buying perhaps a fountain-pen because it is green, or asking how much is the ring with the blue stone? Or shall we sit indoors and watch the coals turn crimson? Shall we stretch our hands for books and read here a passage and there a passage? Shall we shout with laughter for no reason? Shall we push through flowering meadows and make daisy chains? Shall we find out when the next train starts for the Hebrides and engage a reserved compartment? All is to come.’" --Virginia Woolf, The Waves
March 3, 2012
God's Grace
Well folks, after seven days of hearing a whine fest on the same subject several times a day, I finally lost my cool today. Of course, my version of "lost my cool" was declaring we weren't going to gymnastics this afternoon and driving the fifteen minutes home in silence.
Crazily enough, it worked. The little one displayed better behavior this afternoon than she has all week (we're talking cleaned her room on her own initiative during a phenomenally peaceful quiet time). And we spent the afternoon and evening more connected than we have been all week. She even hugged me as we were leaving an activity and said "I love you" in gratitude rather than in an effort to get something.
How did this happen?
1. God is gracious and merciful.
2. I had put serious, consistent effort into being cheerful and playful all week. So when she heard my voice drop pitch and heard my short, no-nonsense words, it was so different from my usual tone that she recognized I meant business.
3. The power of compromise. I don't have the energy to recount the entire story right now (though I will try to in a later post). She still didn't get to do the thing she's been whining about all week, but we got to practice handling not getting to do it, and she aced it.
4. When it's over, it's over. This is a huge TBRI principle-- that you don't hold grudges. That is hard for me--it takes a lot to make me mad, and so I stay mad for a while. I intentionally eased myself into not mad, and that was important for her. She saw that I was mad at the behavior rather than at her, so she worked on her behavior and I gave lots of praise for her dramatic turnaround. If I'd been sulking stubbornly, I doubt she would have made the effort that she did.
I have a zero tolerance policy on whining, and today she finally "got" that. And thanks to Dr. Karyn Purvis's TBRI methods, we were able to connect far more through and after a behavioral correction than we ever would have if I had caved to the whining or ignored it. And for that, I thank God for His grace and mercy!!
Crazily enough, it worked. The little one displayed better behavior this afternoon than she has all week (we're talking cleaned her room on her own initiative during a phenomenally peaceful quiet time). And we spent the afternoon and evening more connected than we have been all week. She even hugged me as we were leaving an activity and said "I love you" in gratitude rather than in an effort to get something.
How did this happen?
1. God is gracious and merciful.
2. I had put serious, consistent effort into being cheerful and playful all week. So when she heard my voice drop pitch and heard my short, no-nonsense words, it was so different from my usual tone that she recognized I meant business.
3. The power of compromise. I don't have the energy to recount the entire story right now (though I will try to in a later post). She still didn't get to do the thing she's been whining about all week, but we got to practice handling not getting to do it, and she aced it.
4. When it's over, it's over. This is a huge TBRI principle-- that you don't hold grudges. That is hard for me--it takes a lot to make me mad, and so I stay mad for a while. I intentionally eased myself into not mad, and that was important for her. She saw that I was mad at the behavior rather than at her, so she worked on her behavior and I gave lots of praise for her dramatic turnaround. If I'd been sulking stubbornly, I doubt she would have made the effort that she did.
I have a zero tolerance policy on whining, and today she finally "got" that. And thanks to Dr. Karyn Purvis's TBRI methods, we were able to connect far more through and after a behavioral correction than we ever would have if I had caved to the whining or ignored it. And for that, I thank God for His grace and mercy!!
March 1, 2012
The Beauty of the Bedtime Ritual
It's been a long day (but a good one), so this will be a short post. I just wanted to stress the importance of a calming bedtime ritual for all kids, but particularly for kids from hard places. It's magic, and often calms the caregiver as much as the child. Here are the components of my trademark routine:
Bath. A soothing bath signals the bedtime wind-down, and helps calm that bizarre burst of energy that many kids get after dinner. You can use a soothing scented bath wash in the water (Johnson & Johnson and Aveeno both make good ones), and I always have bathtub toys available because the tub environment forces calm, seated play. Then of course there are the regular tasks of putting on jammies and brushing teeth.
Book. Story time was my favorite time of day as a kid, and has been a favorite time for every kid I've ever watched as well. In fact, the threat of losing minutes of story time can be a good incentive when you need to calm bath time hijinks. This week we've been reading Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, which I highly recommend. Something you can read a chapter a night (the parent reading out loud) is ideal. And Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle teaches manners in a delightful way that kids adore. (It's thanks to her that my current little one loves making her bed and then mine each morning)
Prayers. Pray with your kids. It makes a difference, even when you don't think it does. If you can, use it as a time to thank God for a character trait that you noticed in your child that day. For example, "Thank you God for helping Bethany remain patient while waiting her turn for the slide at the park." I also always end with the same phrase, "we love You and we trust You," because we do.
Lullaby. I'm a big proponent of lullabies. I sing "Stay Awake" from Mary Poppins, which has a hypnotically soporific effect, and which you can simply repeat if the child is still a bit wiggly after one run through. I accompany this with rhythmic tracing on the child's back (my nieces call it "back scratches," but it's a light touch) or with gentle strokes of the child's hair. If you have a child who can't tolerate light touch, you could simply hold them in a firm hug while singing, or massage their legs or shoulders slowly and firmly.
Special Arrangements. Make sure you know how your child likes the room set up for sleep, and try not to rush through the preparation. Stuffed animals, laid in their correct positions in the bed, bedside table items arrayed just so, whatever your child prefers; make sure you get the pattern down pat. One of my nieces went through a stage when she had to have a specific number of tissues on her nightstand. Know the arrangement and walk through it as patiently as you can. Somehow this is very reassuring to children. Kids from hard places may need a non-bug attracting snack and a water bottle by their bed, just to allay starvation fears. My current respite placement has never once eaten any of hers, but they are there each night just in case.
The more you can make this a predictable routine, the better. It comforts the child, creates a warm time of connection between you, and ideally helps grow their love of reading and prayer. It is easy to rush through this part of the day, eager as we all are by that point in the day to just be an adult for a little while, but try to slow down if you can and enjoy these sweet moments with your child.
Bath. A soothing bath signals the bedtime wind-down, and helps calm that bizarre burst of energy that many kids get after dinner. You can use a soothing scented bath wash in the water (Johnson & Johnson and Aveeno both make good ones), and I always have bathtub toys available because the tub environment forces calm, seated play. Then of course there are the regular tasks of putting on jammies and brushing teeth.
Book. Story time was my favorite time of day as a kid, and has been a favorite time for every kid I've ever watched as well. In fact, the threat of losing minutes of story time can be a good incentive when you need to calm bath time hijinks. This week we've been reading Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, which I highly recommend. Something you can read a chapter a night (the parent reading out loud) is ideal. And Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle teaches manners in a delightful way that kids adore. (It's thanks to her that my current little one loves making her bed and then mine each morning)
Prayers. Pray with your kids. It makes a difference, even when you don't think it does. If you can, use it as a time to thank God for a character trait that you noticed in your child that day. For example, "Thank you God for helping Bethany remain patient while waiting her turn for the slide at the park." I also always end with the same phrase, "we love You and we trust You," because we do.
Lullaby. I'm a big proponent of lullabies. I sing "Stay Awake" from Mary Poppins, which has a hypnotically soporific effect, and which you can simply repeat if the child is still a bit wiggly after one run through. I accompany this with rhythmic tracing on the child's back (my nieces call it "back scratches," but it's a light touch) or with gentle strokes of the child's hair. If you have a child who can't tolerate light touch, you could simply hold them in a firm hug while singing, or massage their legs or shoulders slowly and firmly.
Special Arrangements. Make sure you know how your child likes the room set up for sleep, and try not to rush through the preparation. Stuffed animals, laid in their correct positions in the bed, bedside table items arrayed just so, whatever your child prefers; make sure you get the pattern down pat. One of my nieces went through a stage when she had to have a specific number of tissues on her nightstand. Know the arrangement and walk through it as patiently as you can. Somehow this is very reassuring to children. Kids from hard places may need a non-bug attracting snack and a water bottle by their bed, just to allay starvation fears. My current respite placement has never once eaten any of hers, but they are there each night just in case.
The more you can make this a predictable routine, the better. It comforts the child, creates a warm time of connection between you, and ideally helps grow their love of reading and prayer. It is easy to rush through this part of the day, eager as we all are by that point in the day to just be an adult for a little while, but try to slow down if you can and enjoy these sweet moments with your child.
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