My pastor, Matt Carter, once preached that “suffering stirs up the sediment of sin,” meaning that suffering reveals sin in us that has gone unnoticed in calmer times. He was talking about cancer, and I don’t mean to belittle great suffering in any way, but I think this applies equally to smaller, slighter suffering. Even the most inconsequential annoyances can be used by God to reveal the dark patches in our hearts.
I’m sure there are people in whom travel evokes all that is noble, adventurous, friendly, and patient. In me, it brings out all that is peevish, selfish, childish, and petulant. There are few experiences which so clearly point out to me the prevalence of my comfort idol.
A week ago, as I tried to get from Austin to a tiny town in Vermont, I endured a fairly hellish travel day of delays and anxieties and claustrophobia. Today I am hoping the return trip is a smoother endeavor.
As I have been praying about this, I’ve realized just how ugly and selfish these prayers are. I don’t have any justifiable reason for wanting my travel arrangements to move forward as planned; there’s no child or board meeting or humanitarian cause that suffers by my absence or delay. And yet the wicked, whiny two-year-old within me is desperate to get home tonight, to sleep in my own bed, to jump back into the arms of my beloved Austin.
And while this selfishness appalls me, my awareness of the selfishness of my desire does not in fact diminish that desire in the least. It’s pretty humbling.
Also, as I bemoan the selfishness of these particular prayers, I am faced with another spiritual conundrum. Do I think my other prayers are not selfish? Have I been playing PR games with God, couching prayer requests in some sort of spin language, asking for things only because they will benefit Him in some way? And do I really think that I am doing Him favors by asking for these things? Or is the enemy just using this travel peevishness as a chance to build guilt into my prayer life?
Well at least I have the next twelve to who knows hours to wrestle through it all…
Have I mentioned I hate traveling? =)
I love the King James version of this verse, as the second sentence has a great way of staying in your head and stopping the anxiety spiral. There’s also a great passivity implied in the language, reminding us how little control over these things we truly have. “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Matthew 6:34
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