As a kid, I was a picky eater. My mother would probably have said then that I was an incredibly picky eater, but along came my niece Caroline, who has me beat. To be honest, I’m still pretty picky; anyone who has ever heard me order a salad would agree. That being said, I sympathize with both picky eaters and the loved ones who try to cook for them.
Kids raised in loving, trauma-free homes are often picky eaters. Add in factors like abuse, trauma, and neglect, and your chances of massive food issues rise exponentially. For one thing, kids from hard places almost always have sensory processing issues, which makes food taste and texture a much bigger deal. Plus, the neuro-chemical makeup of traumatized kids is very different—serotonin levels are messed up, and many kids unknowingly self-medicate with food (let’s face it, a lot of adults do this too!). Good nutrition is essential for these kids, but how do we get them the right nutrients when all they want to eat is plain pasta and chocolate?
I’m not an expert, by any means. But I’ve been the kid who would literally rather starve to death than touch that shrimp with a ten-foot pole. And I’ve been the cook who slaved over the stove for an hour creating a special, delicious dish that the picky eater I adore won’t touch. Neither side is fun. So here’s a baker’s dozen of tips from the two sides of the battle.
1. Figure out what the issue is. This is a big one that often goes unexplored by well-intentioned “I’ll eat anything” caregivers. Is it a texture issue or a flavor issue? The major concern with the whole picky eating thing is that you don’t want to make it a battle with your child. This area can get combative quickly, and that has negative consequences for everyone. So instead, try to approach it all with as much playfulness as you can. Play a game with your child (not during meal time). Pretend you are a newspaper reporter (extra points for costumes) and interview your child about his/her favorite foods. You can even ask what it is about these foods that the child likes so much. This should give you some clues about whether the issue involves texture or flavor. I was a texture kid—if it was smooth and creamy, I would eat it. My niece is a flavor kid, which makes it all a bit more challenging.
2. If you’ve got a texture issue, you’re in luck. You can usually figure out a way to cook things (vegetables especially) that will make their texture more palatable. You may need to cook things like broccoli longer than you’d like, but if it gets your kid to eat broccoli, then who cares, right? Butter, cream, and cheese are going to be big helpers with this too. I know it’s not ideal, but a big serving of cauliflower with cheese sauce is better than no vegetables at all. My mom used to make “squish squash” (zucchini cooked with butter and onions until squishy). It’s still one of my favorite side dishes. And her carrots cooked in butter with dill? Magnifique!
3. Try out various cooking methods. I’ve yet to meet a kid who enjoys plain steamed vegetables. I love spinach in sandwiches or smoothies, but will never ever eat it cooked. Blech! Make various vegetables in a variety of ways, and see which ones pass muster. Cutting them in fun ways (tiny carrot sticks, letting them gnaw a whole carrot like a bunny, cooked sliced carrots, etc) can also help.
4. Two vegetables at every meal (separate—those frozen mixed vegetable bags are torture to a picky eater). They have to try two bites of everything on their plate (there’s an exception to this, see #10 below). Consistency is key here. If it’s a standing rule, it’s less likely to result in tantrums. Also, don’t overwhelm them with portions. Put just two bites of each vegetable on the plate. This saves parent angst about wasted food, and doesn’t overwhelm the kid.
5. A word on casseroles. Please don’t make them. I know they are easy for busy moms to put together and serve, but they are also gross. Don’t do it. The same goes for meatloaf, and the one dish my mom has ever made that was absolutely disgusting—the deceptively named “cheeseburger pie.” (shudder) If you have a picky eater, odds are they don’t like lots of flavors and textures all mushed up together. Because it’s yucky.
6. For the picky eaters whose pickiness stems from a flavor issue, you have a tougher road ahead of you. The above tips should still help, but you’ll have less success with the “cover everything in cheese” approach. My niece, for example, loves macaroni and cheese. But only two specific kinds of macaroni and cheese. And if you happen to make one of the kinds using the oven instructions instead of the microwave instructions, be prepared to face a particularly infuriating look of mingled horror and pity.
7. For the flavor kids, my best advice is to involve them in the cooking process. Take them on exploratory field trips to the grocery store (this works best if it is just the two of you and you’re not in a rush or trying to get your week’s worth of groceries). Let the child lead the way and go through the produce section like it’s a treasure hunt (you can even come up with an elaborate treasure hunt list if you have a lot of spare time and creativity). Some grocery stores (Whole Foods in Austin being one of them) will offer a tasting tour of the produce section, or you can do one yourself. Awesome! There are also some great kids cookbooks; if your child is involved in making the meal, he or she will be more inclined to eat it. It empowers the child in a healthy way, and can be a fun bonding time with your child.
8. Make a game. You don’t ever want to punish your child for their eating habits; the dinner table shouldn’t be a combat zone. But you can make a fun poster to put up in your kitchen with some things like “craziest looking food I tried this week” or “history of the pluot” or things like that. Make food discovery playful and celebratory and see what happens.
9. Have your kids design one meal a week as a group. This empowers them and helps them participate in the mechanics of family life. Standard rules (two veg) apply, but let them decide. And parents, you’ll have to try two bites of everything too! Adults are always telling kids to try new foods, but never showing the kids that parents do this too. If you can model adventuresome eating, that will make a big impression.
10. Make an “I will absolutely never eat these foods ever” list. There were a few deal-breaker foods when I was a kid: seafood, mushrooms, nuts. I was not going to eat those foods, no matter how dire the consequences. In fact, I still won’t eat them or any dish that has come into even remote contact with them. You will probably know which foods these are for your kids. You can talk about it with them too, figuring out together what are the absolute most dreaded items (again, do this outside of mealtime!). This is a short list of will-not-eats, not just don’t-likes. Then, and this is the vital part, post the list on the refrigerator. My mom makes the most scrumptious zucchini bread, and it was one of my favorite treats as a kid (we had a very low-sugar household). But sometimes she would forget and would put nuts in it. Disasterpiece theater! When you forget which foods your kids abhor, they will take it personally. It’s not fair, but it’s true. So post the list and let them see that you are respecting their needs. This helps make you partners rather than adversaries.
11. The fruit drawer. My mom had the genius practice of having a fruit drawer in the refrigerator. We could always have fruit, anytime. We were in charge of going to get it and preparing it (i.e. she would not go get an apple, peel, slice, and present it to us on a plate), but it was always there and we could always have it. Fruit was really the only sugar we ever had in the house (rare dessert nights involved home made pudding or jello, often with fruit in it), so it was never a battle to get us to try fruit. Keeping basics on hand is great on many levels: empowers the kids, is a healthy food group, and ensures your stubborn child won’t starve.
12. Early trauma, abuse, or neglect often hardwires a child’s brain to fear starvation. To allay this fear, Karyn Purvis recommends feeding every two hours (smaller meals, obviously) and keeping food (in safe containers) available in the child’s room. Cleanliness is key here, so make sure you choose foods that aren’t going to attract creepy-crawlies. If that means putting a mini-fridge in your foster child’s room, then so be it.
13. Priorities. Some of our parenting involves parroting actions and phrases we grew up with and haven’t really examined. “Clean your plate” and “Don’t spoil your dinner” are some of the most common. Is it important for the whole family to sit down to meal time together? Yes, absolutely. Does it matter how much of the actual meal is consumed during that time? Not really, no. If giving your child an apple with peanut butter in the late afternoon helps them feel safe and loved but makes them less hungry for spaghetti later, who cares? Be consistent with the “two bites” rule and let the rest shake out how it will. (For a creative way to do both, check here). Make disarming your child’s fear response your first priority, and let your pride in elaborate Norman Rockwell mealtimes take a backseat for a bit (I’m preaching to myself on that one!).
This blog post was spurred by the following post. The comments on her post are helpful too.
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