I don’t have scientific data to back up this theory, but I believe that our emotions grow and develop as we age. Just as the language of a child expands, so (in my experience) does his or her capacity to feel. The emotions of childhood are simpler than the emotions of adulthood, though I would argue that they do not feel simpler to the one experiencing them.
For example, two children are playing. One child has a fire truck. The second child steals the fire truck and the first child is (unfairly) sent to a time out. The first child will be angry, definitely. But I doubt he will feel an anger that fuels long smoldering revenge like the main character in The Count of Monte Cristo.
Another example involves happiness. Children feel happy—indeed I think as we age we lose some of that childhood ability to simply and wholeheartedly delight in something. But extended, not-caused-by-circumstances contentment is something we develop as we grow older.
One thing I have noticed particularly involves crying. A child will cry because of pain, frustration, fatigue, and sometimes sadness. As a child, I could never figure out why my mother seemed to cry so often. Now that I’m grown, I in turn baffle my nieces and nephew when I cry during a touching scene in a book or movie. Children just haven’t developed whatever brain chemistry connection route results in more complex emotions. I am not at all placing a value judgment on this—the emotions of childhood are no less valuable for being less complex. I am just noting the difference because it impacts relationships between children and adults.
The idea that emotions are less complex in children is especially true, I think, when it comes to love. As an adult, I love a largish group of people unconditionally. And there isn’t a quantifiable difference in the amount that I love them—I don’t love one more than another. I may have closer connections to one than another, but at root, the love is the same. That was not true when I was a child. I loved conditionally. I loved in varying amounts. I had favorites. And because that was how I loved, that was how I understood love, and that was how I assumed everyone else loved.
As I grew, my understanding of love grew also. But really the thing that has taught me most about love (and here I mean earthly, human love—how the Gospel taught me a whole new kind of love is another blog post) has been being an aunt. Honestly, before my niece Caroline existed, I did not believe that parents loved their children equally. I just didn’t. I didn’t love my parents or my siblings equally, and I assumed that parents were just being kind when they “pretended” that they loved their children the same amount. I adored my niece Abby, and I honestly worried that things would change if she ever had a sibling. But from the moment I learned of Caroline’s existence (months before she was even born), I loved her. And I literally remember thinking, “Oh! So you do love them equally!” By the time my nephew Will came into the world, I was able to just sit back and marvel at the unending amount of love I felt toward these three tiny strangers.
For some reason, when I was a child I believed love was finite. It seemed possible that it might run out at some point. As an adult, I know that the amount I can love is infinite. There is no limit to the number of people I can unconditionally adore in my lifetime. And that’s pretty awesome.
But what does all this have to do with adoption and foster care? I think it has to do with expectations. Karyn Purvis talks a lot about the importance of “felt safety.” By this she means that parents and caregivers have to work intentionally and consistently to help a child truly feel safe. When you bring a harmed child into what may be the first safe environment she has ever experienced, she won’t automatically “get” that it is safe. And so you have to teach her, in painstaking ways that may seem silly or ridiculous to someone who has not worked with kids from hard places. You have to do things that may seem indulgent or idealistic or like you are “coddling” the child. You have to operate in ways that would potentially “spoil” a child who had not experienced trauma. And you do these things to teach them what “safe” is, and to teach them that they are safe and don’t need to operate out of a fear-based fight to survive.
My somewhat longwinded point in all this is that I believe we have to have similar expectations about children’s experience of love. Children who have been raised in loving, nurturing, trauma-free homes still worry that various people in their lives love them conditionally or in measurable amounts. The familiar demands that every sibling get the exact same portions or time with a toy, etc. are one expression of this concern. When you add trauma, abuse, or neglect to the equation, it’s really astounding that these kids can comprehend love at all. And it is important that parents and caregivers tailor our expectations to their reality. We know that we love them unconditionally, just as we know that they are safe and will be fed, clothed, housed, etc. But they don’t. And so, just as we work to teach them they are safe, we must work (and I think often we must work even harder) to teach them they are loved. Our words, actions, environments, choices, priorities, all must repeat over and over again that we love this child, no matter what, for always.
Perhaps more important than managing our expectations of the children’s awareness of our love for them is managing our expectations of the children’s love for us. As an adult, I am capable of unconditional love. As a child, my love was much more conditional. If I had never experienced love, it would have been even more conditional. And so I think it is vital to enter the experiences of foster care and adoption committed to loving a child even if he/she does not love you back. In adoption, it may take months or years before your child loves you deeply and securely. In foster care, children may leave your care before they come to a point of loving you. That is a tough, tough road to walk. But it is the road that Christ walked, and I am counting on Him to give me the strength to love as He loved, with no conditions, no limits, and no expectations of receiving love in return.
September 30, 2011
September 29, 2011
What My Nieces Have to Say, Part One
Today I have two guest bloggers with me—my nieces, Abby and Caroline!
Abby would like to share that, initially, she was against the idea of my adopting, because she thought it would mean she wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with me as before. But now, she thinks that adoption is cool because it will mean she gets to have a new friend.
Caroline has been excited about it the whole time we’ve been talking about it. In fact, when I first mentioned the plight of orphans in the world to the girls, Caroline’s response was “Why don’t you adopt right now?” And Caroline, like Abby, thinks it would be fun to have a new friend.
[Will just wants to buy a trampoline. Correction: a giant trampoline.]
Caroline thinks that a new cousin would be AWESOME (she requested capital letters!). Caroline also thinks foster care would be cool to learn about.
Abby has always thought foster care would be cool “because it means that kids get to have a temporary home, and they would get to spend time with Carly and eat her special macaroni and cheese. And they would get to go to my grandparents’ house and eat their yummy zucchini bread.”
“Yum!” says Caroline. “Woohoo, foster children!” says Caroline.
Will, yelling, “I want to have a parent named Carly!!!!”
And that’s a wrap, folks. More insight from the next generation tomorrow.
Abby would like to share that, initially, she was against the idea of my adopting, because she thought it would mean she wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with me as before. But now, she thinks that adoption is cool because it will mean she gets to have a new friend.
Caroline has been excited about it the whole time we’ve been talking about it. In fact, when I first mentioned the plight of orphans in the world to the girls, Caroline’s response was “Why don’t you adopt right now?” And Caroline, like Abby, thinks it would be fun to have a new friend.
[Will just wants to buy a trampoline. Correction: a giant trampoline.]
Caroline thinks that a new cousin would be AWESOME (she requested capital letters!). Caroline also thinks foster care would be cool to learn about.
Abby has always thought foster care would be cool “because it means that kids get to have a temporary home, and they would get to spend time with Carly and eat her special macaroni and cheese. And they would get to go to my grandparents’ house and eat their yummy zucchini bread.”
“Yum!” says Caroline. “Woohoo, foster children!” says Caroline.
Will, yelling, “I want to have a parent named Carly!!!!”
And that’s a wrap, folks. More insight from the next generation tomorrow.
September 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'm in Vermont visiting my sister and her family, and the hotel wifi isn't working, so I'm typing this on my phone. But I had to share my favorite quotation from today. My nephew Will (he's 4) has a gift for memorable phrases, and he had a great one this morning. After we had been reunited for about an hour (they moved to Vermont from Austin last June, and I'm a very involved aunt), we had the following conversation:
Will: "I wish you were a toy."
Me: "Why is that?"
Will: "Because then I could keep you."
Right back at you, little man. Thanking God for the gift of these three children in my life!
Will: "I wish you were a toy."
Me: "Why is that?"
Will: "Because then I could keep you."
Right back at you, little man. Thanking God for the gift of these three children in my life!
September 26, 2011
John Piper on Adoption, Part Two
5. Adoption brought us, and brings our children, the rights of being heirs of the Father.
"Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (Galatians 4:6-7) The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. (Romans 8:16-17)
Notice that Galatians 4:7 says we are heirs “through God” and Romans 8:17 says we are heirs “of God.” In Galatians, the context is the promise of Abraham—through God, that is, by his sending his Son to redeem us, we are heirs with Abraham (even though many of us are Gentiles!) of his inheritance, namely the world (Romans 4:13). But in Romans 8:17, the context is that we, with Christ, are heirs of all that God has, namely, everything. “All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s” (1 Corinthians 3:21).
Just before we left for England on sabbatical, Noël and I went to a lawyer and updated our wills. All the boys are married, and Talitha is the only legal “dependent.” A lot had changed since the last time we made wills. This was a reminder to us that she will inherit like the sons. She is not in a lesser adoptive class. All inherit together. That is the way God did it. That is the way we do it.
6. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) seriously planned.
"He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." (Ephesians 1:4-6)
Adoption in God’s mind was not Plan B. He predestined us for adoption before the creation of the world. Plan A was not lots of children who never sin and never need to be redeemed. Plan A was creation, fall, redemption, adoption so that the full range of God’s glory and mercy and grace could be known by his adopted children. Adoption was not second best. It was planned from the beginning.
In our lives, there is something uniquely precious about having children by birth. That is a good plan. There is also something different, but also uniquely precious, about adopting children. Each has its own uniqueness. Your choice to adopt children may be sequentially second. But it does not have to be secondary. It can be as precious and significant as having children by birth. God is able to make adoption an A+ plan in our lives.
7. Adoption was (for God) and often is now (for us) from very bad situations.
"We . . . were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." (Ephesians 2:3)
God did not find us like an abandoned foundling bundled on the front step and irresistibly cute. He found us ugly and evil and rebellious. We were not attractive. We would not be easy children to deal with. And, what’s worse, God himself was angry with us. He hates sin and rebellion. We were then doubly “children of wrath.”
These are the ones God pursued in adoption. Therefore, all of God’s adoptions crossed a greater moral and cultural divide than any of our adoptions could. The distance between what we are, and what God is, is infinitely greater than any distance between us and a child we might adopt. God crossed the greatest cultural barrier to redeem and adopt us.
Consider too, that according to Romans 9:4, the people that God chose in the Old Testament, the Israelites, were adopted out of a terrible situation. “They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises.” But how was this adoption effected? Hosea 11:1, “When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.” They were slaves in Egypt. But not only that, they were often also rebellious against God. “Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the sea, at the Red Sea” (Psalm 106:7).
Therefore, God went and took a son from Egypt who was both enslaved and rebellious. The pattern is set: adoptions do not just come from nice, healthy, safe, auspicious situations.
8. Adoption meant (for all Christians) and means (for Christian parents) that we suffer now and experience glory later.
"The whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." (Romans 8:22-23) This strikes us as strange. Aren’t we already adopted? Why does Paul say that we are “waiting for our adoption”? Yes, we are already adopted. When Christ died for us, the price was paid, and when we trust him, we are legally and permanently in the family. But God’s purpose for adoption is not to leave any of his children in a state of groaning and suffering. He raised Jesus from the dead with a new body, and he promises that part of our adoption will be a new resurrection body with no more disabilities and no more groaning. Therefore, what we wait for is the full experience of our adoption—the resurrection of our bodies.
There is much groaning in the path of adoption on the way to full salvation. But the outcome is glorious. It is worth it all. “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:18). This is especially relevant for parents of children with disabilities. They know the “groaning” of this life. All of us have children with some sort of disability, and some of us will live to get very old and watch our children age and die before we do. Others will see their children struck down in war or by accident or disease. Others will care for a disabled child till one of them dies. All of this groaning is groaning in hope because we are adopted by God and destined for a resurrection and an eternal future of health and wholeness and joy. It will be worth it all.
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website
"Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (Galatians 4:6-7) The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. (Romans 8:16-17)
Notice that Galatians 4:7 says we are heirs “through God” and Romans 8:17 says we are heirs “of God.” In Galatians, the context is the promise of Abraham—through God, that is, by his sending his Son to redeem us, we are heirs with Abraham (even though many of us are Gentiles!) of his inheritance, namely the world (Romans 4:13). But in Romans 8:17, the context is that we, with Christ, are heirs of all that God has, namely, everything. “All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s” (1 Corinthians 3:21).
Just before we left for England on sabbatical, Noël and I went to a lawyer and updated our wills. All the boys are married, and Talitha is the only legal “dependent.” A lot had changed since the last time we made wills. This was a reminder to us that she will inherit like the sons. She is not in a lesser adoptive class. All inherit together. That is the way God did it. That is the way we do it.
6. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) seriously planned.
"He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." (Ephesians 1:4-6)
Adoption in God’s mind was not Plan B. He predestined us for adoption before the creation of the world. Plan A was not lots of children who never sin and never need to be redeemed. Plan A was creation, fall, redemption, adoption so that the full range of God’s glory and mercy and grace could be known by his adopted children. Adoption was not second best. It was planned from the beginning.
In our lives, there is something uniquely precious about having children by birth. That is a good plan. There is also something different, but also uniquely precious, about adopting children. Each has its own uniqueness. Your choice to adopt children may be sequentially second. But it does not have to be secondary. It can be as precious and significant as having children by birth. God is able to make adoption an A+ plan in our lives.
7. Adoption was (for God) and often is now (for us) from very bad situations.
"We . . . were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." (Ephesians 2:3)
God did not find us like an abandoned foundling bundled on the front step and irresistibly cute. He found us ugly and evil and rebellious. We were not attractive. We would not be easy children to deal with. And, what’s worse, God himself was angry with us. He hates sin and rebellion. We were then doubly “children of wrath.”
These are the ones God pursued in adoption. Therefore, all of God’s adoptions crossed a greater moral and cultural divide than any of our adoptions could. The distance between what we are, and what God is, is infinitely greater than any distance between us and a child we might adopt. God crossed the greatest cultural barrier to redeem and adopt us.
Consider too, that according to Romans 9:4, the people that God chose in the Old Testament, the Israelites, were adopted out of a terrible situation. “They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises.” But how was this adoption effected? Hosea 11:1, “When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.” They were slaves in Egypt. But not only that, they were often also rebellious against God. “Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the sea, at the Red Sea” (Psalm 106:7).
Therefore, God went and took a son from Egypt who was both enslaved and rebellious. The pattern is set: adoptions do not just come from nice, healthy, safe, auspicious situations.
8. Adoption meant (for all Christians) and means (for Christian parents) that we suffer now and experience glory later.
"The whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." (Romans 8:22-23) This strikes us as strange. Aren’t we already adopted? Why does Paul say that we are “waiting for our adoption”? Yes, we are already adopted. When Christ died for us, the price was paid, and when we trust him, we are legally and permanently in the family. But God’s purpose for adoption is not to leave any of his children in a state of groaning and suffering. He raised Jesus from the dead with a new body, and he promises that part of our adoption will be a new resurrection body with no more disabilities and no more groaning. Therefore, what we wait for is the full experience of our adoption—the resurrection of our bodies.
There is much groaning in the path of adoption on the way to full salvation. But the outcome is glorious. It is worth it all. “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:18). This is especially relevant for parents of children with disabilities. They know the “groaning” of this life. All of us have children with some sort of disability, and some of us will live to get very old and watch our children age and die before we do. Others will see their children struck down in war or by accident or disease. Others will care for a disabled child till one of them dies. All of this groaning is groaning in hope because we are adopted by God and destined for a resurrection and an eternal future of health and wholeness and joy. It will be worth it all.
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website
September 25, 2011
John Piper on Adoption, Part One
"What I would like to do is lay out eight similarities between what God did in adoption and what happens in a Christian adoption today. I pray that whether you have adopted, or are engaged in assisting adoptions, or are pondering an adoption, God will use these comparisons to heighten your confidence that God is graciously involved in our adoptions. He has done it himself. He knows what it costs. And He stands ready to support us all the way to the end.
1. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) costly.
“When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” (Galatians 4:4-5) To redeem means to obtain or to set free by paying a price. What was the price that God paid for our liberation and adoption? In the previous chapter, we heard the answer: “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, ‘Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree’” (Galatians 3:13). It cost God the price of his Son’s life.
There are huge costs in adopting children. Some are financial; some are emotional. There are costs in time and stress for the rest of your life. You never stop being a parent till you die. And the stresses of caring about adult children can be as great, or greater, than the stresses of caring for young children. There is something very deep and right about the embrace of this cost for the life of a child!
Few things bring me more satisfaction than seeing a culture of adoption flourish at Bethlehem. It means that our people are looking to their heavenly Father for their joy rather than rejecting the stress and cost of children in order to maximize their freedom and comforts. When people embrace the pain and joy of children rather than using abortion or birth control simply to keep children away, the worth of Christ shines more visibly. Adoption is as far as possible from the mindset that rejects children as an intrusion. Praise God for people ready to embrace the suffering—known and unknown. God’s cost to adopt us was infinitely greater than any cost we will endure in adopting and raising children.
2. Adoption did (for God) and does (for us) involve the legal status of the child.
“When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” (Galatians 4:4-6) There were legal realities God had to deal with. His own justice and law demanded that we be punished and excluded from his presence for our sins. Righteousness was required and punishment demanded. God had to satisfy his justice and his law in order to adopt sinners into his family. This he did by the life, death, and resurrection of his Son Jesus Christ.
This means that the status of being a son legally preceded the experience of the Spirit coming to give us the affections of sons. We are legally sons before we experience the joy of sonship. The object work of our salvation (two thousand years ago at Calvary) precedes and grounds the subjective experience of our salvation by the Spirit today.
So it is with our adopting children today: The legal transactions precede and under gird the growth of family feelings. If the legal red tape seems long and hard, keep in mind that this tape is not yet red with your blood, but Jesus satisfied all the legal demands precisely by shedding his blood.
3. Adoption was blessed and is blessed with God’s pouring out a Spirit of sonship.
“Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” (Galatians 4:6) “You did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.” (Romans 8:15-16)
God does not leave us in the condition of aliens when he adopts us. He does not leave us with no feelings of acceptance and love. Rather, he pours his Spirit into our hearts to give us the experience of being embraced in the family. What is remarkable about these two texts is the term abba. It is an Aramaic word. Why then does Paul use it, transliterated, in these two letters written in Greek?
The answer is that it was the way Jesus spoke to his Father, in spite of the fact that virtually no one in Jewish culture referred to God with this endearing word abba. It stunned the disciples. They held onto it as a precious remnant of the very voice of Jesus in the language he spoke. In Mark 14:36, Jesus is in Gethsemane and prays, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Therefore, in adopting us, God gives us the very Spirit of his Son and grants us to feel the affections of belonging to the very family of God.
In the mercy of God, in our families God works to awaken affections in adopted children for their parents that are far more than legal outcomes. They are deeply personal and spiritual bonds. Adopted children do not infer that they are our children by checking out the adoption papers. A spirit pervades our relationship that bears witness to this reality. Like the other children in the family, they all cry, “Daddy.”
Praise God that he give us both legal standing as his children and the very Spirit of his Son so that we find ourselves saying from a heart of deep conviction, “Abba, Father.”
4. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) marked by moral transformation through the Spirit.
“All who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.” (Romans 8:14) God does not leave his children without help to bear the moral image of the family. We may trust that his help will be there for our children as we bring them under the means of grace that God uses to awaken and transform his children.
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website
1. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) costly.
“When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” (Galatians 4:4-5) To redeem means to obtain or to set free by paying a price. What was the price that God paid for our liberation and adoption? In the previous chapter, we heard the answer: “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, ‘Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree’” (Galatians 3:13). It cost God the price of his Son’s life.
There are huge costs in adopting children. Some are financial; some are emotional. There are costs in time and stress for the rest of your life. You never stop being a parent till you die. And the stresses of caring about adult children can be as great, or greater, than the stresses of caring for young children. There is something very deep and right about the embrace of this cost for the life of a child!
Few things bring me more satisfaction than seeing a culture of adoption flourish at Bethlehem. It means that our people are looking to their heavenly Father for their joy rather than rejecting the stress and cost of children in order to maximize their freedom and comforts. When people embrace the pain and joy of children rather than using abortion or birth control simply to keep children away, the worth of Christ shines more visibly. Adoption is as far as possible from the mindset that rejects children as an intrusion. Praise God for people ready to embrace the suffering—known and unknown. God’s cost to adopt us was infinitely greater than any cost we will endure in adopting and raising children.
2. Adoption did (for God) and does (for us) involve the legal status of the child.
“When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” (Galatians 4:4-6) There were legal realities God had to deal with. His own justice and law demanded that we be punished and excluded from his presence for our sins. Righteousness was required and punishment demanded. God had to satisfy his justice and his law in order to adopt sinners into his family. This he did by the life, death, and resurrection of his Son Jesus Christ.
This means that the status of being a son legally preceded the experience of the Spirit coming to give us the affections of sons. We are legally sons before we experience the joy of sonship. The object work of our salvation (two thousand years ago at Calvary) precedes and grounds the subjective experience of our salvation by the Spirit today.
So it is with our adopting children today: The legal transactions precede and under gird the growth of family feelings. If the legal red tape seems long and hard, keep in mind that this tape is not yet red with your blood, but Jesus satisfied all the legal demands precisely by shedding his blood.
3. Adoption was blessed and is blessed with God’s pouring out a Spirit of sonship.
“Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” (Galatians 4:6) “You did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.” (Romans 8:15-16)
God does not leave us in the condition of aliens when he adopts us. He does not leave us with no feelings of acceptance and love. Rather, he pours his Spirit into our hearts to give us the experience of being embraced in the family. What is remarkable about these two texts is the term abba. It is an Aramaic word. Why then does Paul use it, transliterated, in these two letters written in Greek?
The answer is that it was the way Jesus spoke to his Father, in spite of the fact that virtually no one in Jewish culture referred to God with this endearing word abba. It stunned the disciples. They held onto it as a precious remnant of the very voice of Jesus in the language he spoke. In Mark 14:36, Jesus is in Gethsemane and prays, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Therefore, in adopting us, God gives us the very Spirit of his Son and grants us to feel the affections of belonging to the very family of God.
In the mercy of God, in our families God works to awaken affections in adopted children for their parents that are far more than legal outcomes. They are deeply personal and spiritual bonds. Adopted children do not infer that they are our children by checking out the adoption papers. A spirit pervades our relationship that bears witness to this reality. Like the other children in the family, they all cry, “Daddy.”
Praise God that he give us both legal standing as his children and the very Spirit of his Son so that we find ourselves saying from a heart of deep conviction, “Abba, Father.”
4. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) marked by moral transformation through the Spirit.
“All who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.” (Romans 8:14) God does not leave his children without help to bear the moral image of the family. We may trust that his help will be there for our children as we bring them under the means of grace that God uses to awaken and transform his children.
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website
September 24, 2011
Scripture Saturday: Acts
Each Saturday, I’ll be devoting my blog post to a reflection on the Scripture I've been reading throughout the week. As I am still in seminary, taking two classes online each semester, I have plenty of reading to reflect upon!
The past few weeks, I have been reading Acts. Or, to be more accurate, I have been listening to Acts. For some reason, the fact that I am such a voracious reader actually hinders me in my Bible study. I tend to read the Word as though it were either fiction or a textbook, neither of which is very helpful. A few years ago, I discovered a fantastic resource—The Bible Experience. It is a CD recording, completely unabridged, of the entire Bible (the NIV version). It is read by some of the world’s most talented actors and actresses, and there are sound effects and music in the background. It is awesome. Something about listening rather than reading really helps me feel immersed in the Word and the world of its writers. I keep it in the car, and it has helped me get through every one of my Bible Exposition classes.
So I’ve been listening to Acts as I drive all over town, particularly as I drive to and from my Foster Parent Licensing classes, which are about an hour away (with traffic). These classes are tough, not in terms of keeping up with the material, but in terms of the way they make you think of all the ways your life is going to drastically change. Half of the couples who began the class have already dropped out. I would bet we’ll lose a few more after a parent last week told the class about her foster son, who smashed every breakable item in her house within fifteen minutes of arriving.
The trauma that has marked these children leaves deep wounds, wounds that express themselves in countless troubling ways. Add to that the stress of keeping every corner of your house and life up to “minimum standards,” of welcoming strangers into your home at any unannounced moment, of loving a child you may have to hand back to a life of suffering, of never knowing if he or she made it safely through childhood after leaving your home. Having any child is profoundly daunting. Serving one of these children is overwhelming. And the most sinful, selfish corner of my soul occasionally whispers, “don’t do it.”
The temptation to turn a blind eye on this suffering, to remain in comfort and the blissful illusion of control, pops its hideous head up into my thoughts every now and again. It is not a strong voice, thank God, though I can certainly imagine it may get stronger as the road gets harder. But it is there.
As I drove home Thursday night, after hearing a seasoned case worker admit that she didn’t think she could “do” foster care because it was so tough (cue widespread panic in the classroom), I heard the following passage from Acts 21:10-14:
“As we were staying there for some days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. And coming to us, he took Paul’s belt and bound his own feet and hands, and said, ‘This is what the Holy Spirit says: ‘In this way the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.’ When we had heard this, we as well as the local residents began begging him [Paul] not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, ‘What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.’ And since he would not be persuaded, we fell silent, remarking, ‘The will of the Lord be done!’”
When I was an atheist, I hated Paul. I thought he was legalistic, misogynistic, and purposefully obtuse in his writing. As a believer, I love Paul. He had strutted through his world, convinced he was doing everything right, and one day the God he thought must be so proud of him strikes him down and rebukes him for being about as wrong as it is possible to be. That experience gave Paul a humility which is sweet to behold. It also gave him a depth of gratitude that few other apostles could emulate. Paul knew just how much of an undeserving wretch he was, and the rescue Jesus offered him was more precious to him than he could ever express.
He knew what it was to strive against Christ, and what it was to strive for Christ. There was no way he was going to abandon the will of God for his own desires ever again after that meeting on the Damascus road. Jesus said of Paul, “I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.” (Acts 9:16) And Paul suffered greatly throughout his ministry: beatings, shipwrecks, imprisonment, snakebite, more beatings, more imprisonment, betrayal, scorn, not to mention the ignorance, ingratitude, and waywardness of the congregations he served.
He entered into all of this pain with eyes open and heart rejoicing, knowing that each moment of his suffering brought him (and others) closer to Christ. “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…” (Philippians 3:8)
Foster parenting may be one of the toughest things I ever undertake, but it’s not exactly a Roman jail now, is it?
The past few weeks, I have been reading Acts. Or, to be more accurate, I have been listening to Acts. For some reason, the fact that I am such a voracious reader actually hinders me in my Bible study. I tend to read the Word as though it were either fiction or a textbook, neither of which is very helpful. A few years ago, I discovered a fantastic resource—The Bible Experience. It is a CD recording, completely unabridged, of the entire Bible (the NIV version). It is read by some of the world’s most talented actors and actresses, and there are sound effects and music in the background. It is awesome. Something about listening rather than reading really helps me feel immersed in the Word and the world of its writers. I keep it in the car, and it has helped me get through every one of my Bible Exposition classes.
So I’ve been listening to Acts as I drive all over town, particularly as I drive to and from my Foster Parent Licensing classes, which are about an hour away (with traffic). These classes are tough, not in terms of keeping up with the material, but in terms of the way they make you think of all the ways your life is going to drastically change. Half of the couples who began the class have already dropped out. I would bet we’ll lose a few more after a parent last week told the class about her foster son, who smashed every breakable item in her house within fifteen minutes of arriving.
The trauma that has marked these children leaves deep wounds, wounds that express themselves in countless troubling ways. Add to that the stress of keeping every corner of your house and life up to “minimum standards,” of welcoming strangers into your home at any unannounced moment, of loving a child you may have to hand back to a life of suffering, of never knowing if he or she made it safely through childhood after leaving your home. Having any child is profoundly daunting. Serving one of these children is overwhelming. And the most sinful, selfish corner of my soul occasionally whispers, “don’t do it.”
The temptation to turn a blind eye on this suffering, to remain in comfort and the blissful illusion of control, pops its hideous head up into my thoughts every now and again. It is not a strong voice, thank God, though I can certainly imagine it may get stronger as the road gets harder. But it is there.
As I drove home Thursday night, after hearing a seasoned case worker admit that she didn’t think she could “do” foster care because it was so tough (cue widespread panic in the classroom), I heard the following passage from Acts 21:10-14:
“As we were staying there for some days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. And coming to us, he took Paul’s belt and bound his own feet and hands, and said, ‘This is what the Holy Spirit says: ‘In this way the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.’ When we had heard this, we as well as the local residents began begging him [Paul] not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, ‘What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.’ And since he would not be persuaded, we fell silent, remarking, ‘The will of the Lord be done!’”
When I was an atheist, I hated Paul. I thought he was legalistic, misogynistic, and purposefully obtuse in his writing. As a believer, I love Paul. He had strutted through his world, convinced he was doing everything right, and one day the God he thought must be so proud of him strikes him down and rebukes him for being about as wrong as it is possible to be. That experience gave Paul a humility which is sweet to behold. It also gave him a depth of gratitude that few other apostles could emulate. Paul knew just how much of an undeserving wretch he was, and the rescue Jesus offered him was more precious to him than he could ever express.
He knew what it was to strive against Christ, and what it was to strive for Christ. There was no way he was going to abandon the will of God for his own desires ever again after that meeting on the Damascus road. Jesus said of Paul, “I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.” (Acts 9:16) And Paul suffered greatly throughout his ministry: beatings, shipwrecks, imprisonment, snakebite, more beatings, more imprisonment, betrayal, scorn, not to mention the ignorance, ingratitude, and waywardness of the congregations he served.
He entered into all of this pain with eyes open and heart rejoicing, knowing that each moment of his suffering brought him (and others) closer to Christ. “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…” (Philippians 3:8)
Foster parenting may be one of the toughest things I ever undertake, but it’s not exactly a Roman jail now, is it?
September 22, 2011
Wise Words
At my Foster Parent Licensing class this evening, there was a woman who has been fostering children for 18 years. She brought her current four foster children with her, and they played in an adjoining room while we had class. At the end of the session, the trainer asked her to share a bit about her experiences.
As she told the story of one of her foster children, she mentioned that he had gone around her house on his arrival, smashing his fist into every wall and window. With a light chuckle, she explained that she has a handy-man 'on-call' to handle the house damage she has come to expect. And then, in a more serious tone, she said, "I'm interested in repairing hearts. I can get someone else to repair walls and windows. It's repairing hearts that matters."
Wise, wise, wise.
Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
Isaiah 58:6-12
As she told the story of one of her foster children, she mentioned that he had gone around her house on his arrival, smashing his fist into every wall and window. With a light chuckle, she explained that she has a handy-man 'on-call' to handle the house damage she has come to expect. And then, in a more serious tone, she said, "I'm interested in repairing hearts. I can get someone else to repair walls and windows. It's repairing hearts that matters."
Wise, wise, wise.
Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
Isaiah 58:6-12
September 21, 2011
Moms are Amazing
They just are. Especially mine. I'm too worn out to write more, but take it from me, my mom is a phenomenal lady.
So thank you Mom, for a million things. I rise up and call you blessed.
I love you.
So thank you Mom, for a million things. I rise up and call you blessed.
I love you.
September 20, 2011
Steadfast Love
Two years ago, I was given the following assignment for a paper:
Choose one of the characteristics of God's personality: anger, compassion, grace, love, jealousy, justice, mercy, patience, pity. Imagine in very concrete detail how this characteristic would appear in your life if you were as perfect as God created you to be.
The characteristic of God that I imagined lived out perfectly was “steadfast love.” (Psalm 118, ESV) As I thought of this characteristic, I kept thinking of a scene in Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. [I’ll be honest; I’m thinking of the musical more than the book. It’s a glorious musical but a pretty tough read. You can watch the scene here.] The main character, Jean Valjean, has just been released from prison, where he served a nineteen year sentence for theft. Out of prison and desperate to begin a new life, Valjean trudges for miles trying to find lodging and employment. He is met with nothing but contempt from everyone he meets because he is marked as a convict. With every step and every suspicious glance, Valjean becomes more embittered and more convinced he has to choose between morality and survival.
Eventually, however, a bishop takes pity on him, and brings Valjean into his home, treating him as an honored guest. Despite this kind treatment from the bishop, Valjean believes he will never be able to earn his way in life honestly, and the bishop’s home is filled with valuable items. As the bishop sleeps, Valjean steals some of the his silverware and runs out into the night. The police catch him quickly and bring him back to the bishop. Valjean, his head bowed in despair, expects wrath and judgment from the bishop; the man treated him kindly and was robbed in return. Yet the bishop responds to the sight of Valjean in an astonishing way. He tells the police that he gave Valjean the silverware as a gift, and then gently rebukes Valjean for leaving the most valuable gift behind: a pair of ornate silver candlesticks. This moment is a turning point in Valjean’s life—he goes on to become a prosperous businessman, a giving and upstanding contributor to society. He changes from a man who asks “what this new world will do for me” to one who risks his life several times over for others.
In the paper, I wrote, “If I were as perfect as God created me to be, I would act like this bishop, though to an even greater degree. I would go out to prisons and convict rehabilitation centers and invite felons into my home. I would feed them, clothe them, house them, and lavish gifts upon them. If they stole from me, I would hand them even more valuable things to take. And I would do this every minute of every day. That would be extraordinary, but I know that there are people who do this kind of thing and have powerful prison ministries that transform lives. Yet if the characteristic of steadfast love were really and truly as perfect in me as God dreamed when He created me, then I would do all these things without one millisecond of complaint, of judgment, of scorn, of personal pride. More than that, I would do all these things with a spirit of overwhelming love; I would fully delight in these people, even as they stole from me or treated me with contempt. I would give my life to help them, even though I knew they would not all accept that help, and I would do it with complete and utter joy.”
Two years later, I stand committed to a calling that is not so far from the one I described above. I am committing to feed, clothe, house, and above all love children who have been far more wronged and mistreated than Valjean. This commitment has nothing to do with my efforts or abilities. God, in His mercy and steadfast love, shared a small portion of His passion for orphan care with me. He enabled my eyes to see the pain in the world; He strengthened my confidence to the point of saying “yes, I will help;” He sustains me with His word, His Spirit, and His power to set one foot in front of the other on what will be an increasingly difficult path; He gracefully reminds me that my tiny part in His restoring work on earth is a privilege; He humbles me whenever I start thinking it’s up to me to save the world.
God took me in when I was wicked and wretched. Filled with sin and rebellion, I resisted His unfailing love and refused to acknowledge (much less thank) Him for the untold blessings He poured out on me. He rescued me from sin and wrath, bled and died and fought to adopt me into His family for eternity.
Through adoption/foster care/global orphan care, God invites us to show just a fraction of that powerful, steadfast love to those who desperately need it. I pray that God would empower us do all these things with His spirit of overwhelming love; to fully delight in these children, even as they run from us, steal from us, or treat us with contempt. I pray we will enter each moment willing to give our lives to help them, knowing they may not always accept that help. I pray that we may do all this with complete and utter joy, humbly aware of the pit out of which we have been rescued, and the price it cost our Savior to bring us home.
Choose one of the characteristics of God's personality: anger, compassion, grace, love, jealousy, justice, mercy, patience, pity. Imagine in very concrete detail how this characteristic would appear in your life if you were as perfect as God created you to be.
The characteristic of God that I imagined lived out perfectly was “steadfast love.” (Psalm 118, ESV) As I thought of this characteristic, I kept thinking of a scene in Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. [I’ll be honest; I’m thinking of the musical more than the book. It’s a glorious musical but a pretty tough read. You can watch the scene here.] The main character, Jean Valjean, has just been released from prison, where he served a nineteen year sentence for theft. Out of prison and desperate to begin a new life, Valjean trudges for miles trying to find lodging and employment. He is met with nothing but contempt from everyone he meets because he is marked as a convict. With every step and every suspicious glance, Valjean becomes more embittered and more convinced he has to choose between morality and survival.
Eventually, however, a bishop takes pity on him, and brings Valjean into his home, treating him as an honored guest. Despite this kind treatment from the bishop, Valjean believes he will never be able to earn his way in life honestly, and the bishop’s home is filled with valuable items. As the bishop sleeps, Valjean steals some of the his silverware and runs out into the night. The police catch him quickly and bring him back to the bishop. Valjean, his head bowed in despair, expects wrath and judgment from the bishop; the man treated him kindly and was robbed in return. Yet the bishop responds to the sight of Valjean in an astonishing way. He tells the police that he gave Valjean the silverware as a gift, and then gently rebukes Valjean for leaving the most valuable gift behind: a pair of ornate silver candlesticks. This moment is a turning point in Valjean’s life—he goes on to become a prosperous businessman, a giving and upstanding contributor to society. He changes from a man who asks “what this new world will do for me” to one who risks his life several times over for others.
In the paper, I wrote, “If I were as perfect as God created me to be, I would act like this bishop, though to an even greater degree. I would go out to prisons and convict rehabilitation centers and invite felons into my home. I would feed them, clothe them, house them, and lavish gifts upon them. If they stole from me, I would hand them even more valuable things to take. And I would do this every minute of every day. That would be extraordinary, but I know that there are people who do this kind of thing and have powerful prison ministries that transform lives. Yet if the characteristic of steadfast love were really and truly as perfect in me as God dreamed when He created me, then I would do all these things without one millisecond of complaint, of judgment, of scorn, of personal pride. More than that, I would do all these things with a spirit of overwhelming love; I would fully delight in these people, even as they stole from me or treated me with contempt. I would give my life to help them, even though I knew they would not all accept that help, and I would do it with complete and utter joy.”
Two years later, I stand committed to a calling that is not so far from the one I described above. I am committing to feed, clothe, house, and above all love children who have been far more wronged and mistreated than Valjean. This commitment has nothing to do with my efforts or abilities. God, in His mercy and steadfast love, shared a small portion of His passion for orphan care with me. He enabled my eyes to see the pain in the world; He strengthened my confidence to the point of saying “yes, I will help;” He sustains me with His word, His Spirit, and His power to set one foot in front of the other on what will be an increasingly difficult path; He gracefully reminds me that my tiny part in His restoring work on earth is a privilege; He humbles me whenever I start thinking it’s up to me to save the world.
God took me in when I was wicked and wretched. Filled with sin and rebellion, I resisted His unfailing love and refused to acknowledge (much less thank) Him for the untold blessings He poured out on me. He rescued me from sin and wrath, bled and died and fought to adopt me into His family for eternity.
Through adoption/foster care/global orphan care, God invites us to show just a fraction of that powerful, steadfast love to those who desperately need it. I pray that God would empower us do all these things with His spirit of overwhelming love; to fully delight in these children, even as they run from us, steal from us, or treat us with contempt. I pray we will enter each moment willing to give our lives to help them, knowing they may not always accept that help. I pray that we may do all this with complete and utter joy, humbly aware of the pit out of which we have been rescued, and the price it cost our Savior to bring us home.
September 19, 2011
Row, Row, Row Your Hope
Learning about the world of orphans and orphan care can be an incredibly draining, depressing, despair-inducing experience. The evil in the world, the brokenness of the systems that try to help traumatized kids, and the sheer enormity of the issue (163 million orphans?!) can be overwhelming. And if the massive nature of the problem doesn’t stagger you, the face of one wounded child will bring you to your knees.
Today has been a day of stories for me. Stories of heartbreak, stories of harm, stories of helplessness. And if I try to bear the weight of this pain by myself, I will crumble. Instead, I was reminded tonight of one of my favorite passages in Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. I love this passage because in it Paul (who often uses some of the most complicated and convoluted sentence structure ever) is wonderfully simple and succinct. He gives three simple commands: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Three simple commands, six basic words of instruction. But if we can get those right, our whole world changes.
“Rejoice always.” At first glance, this seems impossible to realistically implement. But Paul doesn’t say “be happy always;” happiness is an emotion based on circumstances. In fact, in another of his letters, he makes it clear that he is often filled with sorrow, but remains rejoicing. How can this be? Joy, unlike happiness, is a fruit of the Holy Spirit; it is a deep remembrance of the goodness of God and the preciousness of our redemption through Christ. And that is why, empowered by the Spirit, we can be joyful. Why is it important to rejoice always? Because maintaining an attitude of joy provides stability in the Christian life. Joy for a Christian is like an oarlock for a rower; if the oar isn’t locked in, all your effort won’t get you anywhere. Without the oarlock, you can pull as hard as you want, but you’ll only hurt yourself, lose the oar, or even capsize the boat. In the same way, if we don’t ground our faith in a deep joy in Jesus Christ and all He has done for us, all our discipline and sacrifice will only end in hurt and ruin. This deep joy in Jesus won’t keep us from pain, however, just as the oarlock doesn’t prevent blisters, smashed thumbs, or even broken bones. But that joy will hold us steady and keep us moving forward in faith.
Paul also tells believers to “give thanks in all circumstances.” It’s easy to think that someone with an easy life gave this command, but Paul faced beatings, imprisonment, hunger, illness, scorn, and execution for his faith. At one point, he was shipwrecked, survived, landed on an island, got up to preach, and was bitten by a snake! Yet he was grateful for those circumstances because God was glorified, even through his suffering.
During my rowing years, I developed a lung condition that would cause me to hyperventilate and, if unchecked, to pass out in moments of extreme physical strain. There are few things so guaranteed to make you grateful for breathing as not being able to breathe! The idea that I might have to literally give up rowing or die made me treasure what I loved about rowing all the more. Every practice and race, no matter how punishing physically, became precious to me. I have the same feeling about my life as a Christian. I came to Christianity out of a staunch, embittered atheism. So I remember the suffocating darkness of a life without Christ just as clearly as I remember the agony of not being able to breathe in that boat. And because of this, whatever I suffer as a Christian, the pain pales in comparison to the endless emptiness of a life apart from God. My gratitude to Christ for rescuing me out of that pit of unbelief is a powerful weapon against the complaints and the discouragement that naturally crop up in everyone’s mind. The more I dwell on my gratitude, the less room there is for despair!
Cultivating a mindset of gratitude removes the negative clutter from our minds that can arrest our growth as Christians. In rowing, any loose piece of clothing will catch your seat in the slide and stop you literally in your tracks. Rowers have to wear these absurdly tight spandex unitards in order to keep the slide clear. Even a stray piece of dirt can pop those wheels out of the track and leave you with a massive bruise on your behind. Negative thoughts are like that; they stop our growth and get us off track. Remembering all of God’s blessings and faithfulness is a surefire way to clear out the negative thoughts that trip up our ability to grow.
The middle command, “pray continually,” is, in my opinion, the most important. Paul writes, “pray continually,” or in some translations, “pray without ceasing.” This doesn’t mean withdraw to a monastery in the desert and spend twenty-four hours a day on your knees with Gregorian chants in the background. Paul was a busy guy. He preached, he travelled, he mentored, he led churches, he spent a lot of time in prison, and he wrote most of the New Testament in his spare time. This is not a guy who spent a lot of time on meditation retreats! So what does he mean pray continually? So many of us think of prayer as a separate act—we fold our hands, bow our heads, say amen when we’re done, and then get back to life. But clearly Paul believes that prayer is not an act separate from everything we do; it’s the foundation of everything we do. And in this way, praying continually is a lot like “tying in” to a rowing boat.
If you ever go to a crew race, you’ll notice not one of the rowers is wearing shoes. Everyone walks around in spandex and socks. That’s because the shoes you wear while rowing are literally bolted into the boat. Rowing boats are called “shells,” and it’s a fitting description. They are incredibly, and to novices, alarmingly, flimsy. If you step in the wrong spot, your foot will break right through the hull. They’re really just fiberglass half cylinders that somehow, through the mysteries of physics, manage to float. They’re light enough that rowers carry their own boats from the boathouse to the water. So when you get into the boat, you step carefully on the small section that holds the slide, crouch your way onto the tiny seat, and then tie immediately into the shoes, which are bolted to a small plank secured to the sides of the boat. There is no other place to put your feet, and you cannot leave the dock until you are tied into those shoes. If you try to row without being tied in, you will fall out of the boat on your first stroke. Tying in to the boat holds the rower in place so that she can row, and it grounds her feet for the whole-body propulsion that rowing demands.
And that is what praying continually does for us. Consistent communication with God grounds our faith and ensures forward momentum. When your feet are tied in, you can feel the bolts against the balls of your feet every time you push off. You can feel the tug across the top of the shoes as you pull the oar back. You rely on those shoes to keep you in place as you slide forward to take another stroke. They hold you steady so that you can put as much effort as possible into your race. You can’t row unless your feet are solidly connected to the boat. And you can’t grow unless your mind and heart are solidly connected to God. And so I think of Paul’s command to pray continually, and I have the mental image of tying my brain into God, lacing my thoughts into leaning on Him.
As we face the massive pain that children are suffering, whether they are five time zones away or five blocks away, it is vital that we don’t rely on our own abilities to save and heal these children. We must instead remember our own brokenness and helplessness. The only One capable of saving and healing these children is the same One who saves and heals us: Jesus Christ, Son of God, who died in our place and rose from the dead, justifying the wrath of a holy God, extending the love of an adoring Father to all the broken, wicked children of men, and adopting us into the eternal family of the Triune God.
If we focus on the problem, there is no way we can move forward. If we focus on the solution of our Savior, there is nothing that can hold us back.
Rejoice always-- find deep joy in remembering all Christ has done for you.
Give thanks-- use gratitude to clear out the negative thoughts that trip you up and drag you down.
Pray continually-- double-knot your heart into the heart of God.
For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Today has been a day of stories for me. Stories of heartbreak, stories of harm, stories of helplessness. And if I try to bear the weight of this pain by myself, I will crumble. Instead, I was reminded tonight of one of my favorite passages in Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. I love this passage because in it Paul (who often uses some of the most complicated and convoluted sentence structure ever) is wonderfully simple and succinct. He gives three simple commands: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Three simple commands, six basic words of instruction. But if we can get those right, our whole world changes.
“Rejoice always.” At first glance, this seems impossible to realistically implement. But Paul doesn’t say “be happy always;” happiness is an emotion based on circumstances. In fact, in another of his letters, he makes it clear that he is often filled with sorrow, but remains rejoicing. How can this be? Joy, unlike happiness, is a fruit of the Holy Spirit; it is a deep remembrance of the goodness of God and the preciousness of our redemption through Christ. And that is why, empowered by the Spirit, we can be joyful. Why is it important to rejoice always? Because maintaining an attitude of joy provides stability in the Christian life. Joy for a Christian is like an oarlock for a rower; if the oar isn’t locked in, all your effort won’t get you anywhere. Without the oarlock, you can pull as hard as you want, but you’ll only hurt yourself, lose the oar, or even capsize the boat. In the same way, if we don’t ground our faith in a deep joy in Jesus Christ and all He has done for us, all our discipline and sacrifice will only end in hurt and ruin. This deep joy in Jesus won’t keep us from pain, however, just as the oarlock doesn’t prevent blisters, smashed thumbs, or even broken bones. But that joy will hold us steady and keep us moving forward in faith.
Paul also tells believers to “give thanks in all circumstances.” It’s easy to think that someone with an easy life gave this command, but Paul faced beatings, imprisonment, hunger, illness, scorn, and execution for his faith. At one point, he was shipwrecked, survived, landed on an island, got up to preach, and was bitten by a snake! Yet he was grateful for those circumstances because God was glorified, even through his suffering.
During my rowing years, I developed a lung condition that would cause me to hyperventilate and, if unchecked, to pass out in moments of extreme physical strain. There are few things so guaranteed to make you grateful for breathing as not being able to breathe! The idea that I might have to literally give up rowing or die made me treasure what I loved about rowing all the more. Every practice and race, no matter how punishing physically, became precious to me. I have the same feeling about my life as a Christian. I came to Christianity out of a staunch, embittered atheism. So I remember the suffocating darkness of a life without Christ just as clearly as I remember the agony of not being able to breathe in that boat. And because of this, whatever I suffer as a Christian, the pain pales in comparison to the endless emptiness of a life apart from God. My gratitude to Christ for rescuing me out of that pit of unbelief is a powerful weapon against the complaints and the discouragement that naturally crop up in everyone’s mind. The more I dwell on my gratitude, the less room there is for despair!
Cultivating a mindset of gratitude removes the negative clutter from our minds that can arrest our growth as Christians. In rowing, any loose piece of clothing will catch your seat in the slide and stop you literally in your tracks. Rowers have to wear these absurdly tight spandex unitards in order to keep the slide clear. Even a stray piece of dirt can pop those wheels out of the track and leave you with a massive bruise on your behind. Negative thoughts are like that; they stop our growth and get us off track. Remembering all of God’s blessings and faithfulness is a surefire way to clear out the negative thoughts that trip up our ability to grow.
The middle command, “pray continually,” is, in my opinion, the most important. Paul writes, “pray continually,” or in some translations, “pray without ceasing.” This doesn’t mean withdraw to a monastery in the desert and spend twenty-four hours a day on your knees with Gregorian chants in the background. Paul was a busy guy. He preached, he travelled, he mentored, he led churches, he spent a lot of time in prison, and he wrote most of the New Testament in his spare time. This is not a guy who spent a lot of time on meditation retreats! So what does he mean pray continually? So many of us think of prayer as a separate act—we fold our hands, bow our heads, say amen when we’re done, and then get back to life. But clearly Paul believes that prayer is not an act separate from everything we do; it’s the foundation of everything we do. And in this way, praying continually is a lot like “tying in” to a rowing boat.
If you ever go to a crew race, you’ll notice not one of the rowers is wearing shoes. Everyone walks around in spandex and socks. That’s because the shoes you wear while rowing are literally bolted into the boat. Rowing boats are called “shells,” and it’s a fitting description. They are incredibly, and to novices, alarmingly, flimsy. If you step in the wrong spot, your foot will break right through the hull. They’re really just fiberglass half cylinders that somehow, through the mysteries of physics, manage to float. They’re light enough that rowers carry their own boats from the boathouse to the water. So when you get into the boat, you step carefully on the small section that holds the slide, crouch your way onto the tiny seat, and then tie immediately into the shoes, which are bolted to a small plank secured to the sides of the boat. There is no other place to put your feet, and you cannot leave the dock until you are tied into those shoes. If you try to row without being tied in, you will fall out of the boat on your first stroke. Tying in to the boat holds the rower in place so that she can row, and it grounds her feet for the whole-body propulsion that rowing demands.
And that is what praying continually does for us. Consistent communication with God grounds our faith and ensures forward momentum. When your feet are tied in, you can feel the bolts against the balls of your feet every time you push off. You can feel the tug across the top of the shoes as you pull the oar back. You rely on those shoes to keep you in place as you slide forward to take another stroke. They hold you steady so that you can put as much effort as possible into your race. You can’t row unless your feet are solidly connected to the boat. And you can’t grow unless your mind and heart are solidly connected to God. And so I think of Paul’s command to pray continually, and I have the mental image of tying my brain into God, lacing my thoughts into leaning on Him.
As we face the massive pain that children are suffering, whether they are five time zones away or five blocks away, it is vital that we don’t rely on our own abilities to save and heal these children. We must instead remember our own brokenness and helplessness. The only One capable of saving and healing these children is the same One who saves and heals us: Jesus Christ, Son of God, who died in our place and rose from the dead, justifying the wrath of a holy God, extending the love of an adoring Father to all the broken, wicked children of men, and adopting us into the eternal family of the Triune God.
If we focus on the problem, there is no way we can move forward. If we focus on the solution of our Savior, there is nothing that can hold us back.
Rejoice always-- find deep joy in remembering all Christ has done for you.
Give thanks-- use gratitude to clear out the negative thoughts that trip you up and drag you down.
Pray continually-- double-knot your heart into the heart of God.
For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
September 18, 2011
Cords of Love
My heart and mind are full tonight of implications from the sermon I heard at church a few hours ago. But I need time to pray and process through them, so instead I am posting a poem from one of my faith heroes, Amy Carmichael. I wrote an earlier post about her that you can read here.
This is a poem of hers that I wanted to post. You can find it in Mountain Breezes: The Collected Poems of Amy Carmichael. I hate that title, but I love many of the poems.
Cords of Love
O Beloved of my soul,
This do I desire:
Faith for the impossible,
Love that will not tire.
Jesus, Savior, Lover, give me
Love for the unlovable
Love that will not tire.
O Beloved of my soul,
Yet again I come;
Give me cords of love to draw
Many wanderers home.
Jesus, Savior, Lover, give me
Love that knows no strain nor flaw—
Love to lead them home.
This is a poem of hers that I wanted to post. You can find it in Mountain Breezes: The Collected Poems of Amy Carmichael. I hate that title, but I love many of the poems.
Cords of Love
O Beloved of my soul,
This do I desire:
Faith for the impossible,
Love that will not tire.
Jesus, Savior, Lover, give me
Love for the unlovable
Love that will not tire.
O Beloved of my soul,
Yet again I come;
Give me cords of love to draw
Many wanderers home.
Jesus, Savior, Lover, give me
Love that knows no strain nor flaw—
Love to lead them home.
September 17, 2011
How to Feed Picky Eaters
As a kid, I was a picky eater. My mother would probably have said then that I was an incredibly picky eater, but along came my niece Caroline, who has me beat. To be honest, I’m still pretty picky; anyone who has ever heard me order a salad would agree. That being said, I sympathize with both picky eaters and the loved ones who try to cook for them.
Kids raised in loving, trauma-free homes are often picky eaters. Add in factors like abuse, trauma, and neglect, and your chances of massive food issues rise exponentially. For one thing, kids from hard places almost always have sensory processing issues, which makes food taste and texture a much bigger deal. Plus, the neuro-chemical makeup of traumatized kids is very different—serotonin levels are messed up, and many kids unknowingly self-medicate with food (let’s face it, a lot of adults do this too!). Good nutrition is essential for these kids, but how do we get them the right nutrients when all they want to eat is plain pasta and chocolate?
I’m not an expert, by any means. But I’ve been the kid who would literally rather starve to death than touch that shrimp with a ten-foot pole. And I’ve been the cook who slaved over the stove for an hour creating a special, delicious dish that the picky eater I adore won’t touch. Neither side is fun. So here’s a baker’s dozen of tips from the two sides of the battle.
1. Figure out what the issue is. This is a big one that often goes unexplored by well-intentioned “I’ll eat anything” caregivers. Is it a texture issue or a flavor issue? The major concern with the whole picky eating thing is that you don’t want to make it a battle with your child. This area can get combative quickly, and that has negative consequences for everyone. So instead, try to approach it all with as much playfulness as you can. Play a game with your child (not during meal time). Pretend you are a newspaper reporter (extra points for costumes) and interview your child about his/her favorite foods. You can even ask what it is about these foods that the child likes so much. This should give you some clues about whether the issue involves texture or flavor. I was a texture kid—if it was smooth and creamy, I would eat it. My niece is a flavor kid, which makes it all a bit more challenging.
2. If you’ve got a texture issue, you’re in luck. You can usually figure out a way to cook things (vegetables especially) that will make their texture more palatable. You may need to cook things like broccoli longer than you’d like, but if it gets your kid to eat broccoli, then who cares, right? Butter, cream, and cheese are going to be big helpers with this too. I know it’s not ideal, but a big serving of cauliflower with cheese sauce is better than no vegetables at all. My mom used to make “squish squash” (zucchini cooked with butter and onions until squishy). It’s still one of my favorite side dishes. And her carrots cooked in butter with dill? Magnifique!
3. Try out various cooking methods. I’ve yet to meet a kid who enjoys plain steamed vegetables. I love spinach in sandwiches or smoothies, but will never ever eat it cooked. Blech! Make various vegetables in a variety of ways, and see which ones pass muster. Cutting them in fun ways (tiny carrot sticks, letting them gnaw a whole carrot like a bunny, cooked sliced carrots, etc) can also help.
4. Two vegetables at every meal (separate—those frozen mixed vegetable bags are torture to a picky eater). They have to try two bites of everything on their plate (there’s an exception to this, see #10 below). Consistency is key here. If it’s a standing rule, it’s less likely to result in tantrums. Also, don’t overwhelm them with portions. Put just two bites of each vegetable on the plate. This saves parent angst about wasted food, and doesn’t overwhelm the kid.
5. A word on casseroles. Please don’t make them. I know they are easy for busy moms to put together and serve, but they are also gross. Don’t do it. The same goes for meatloaf, and the one dish my mom has ever made that was absolutely disgusting—the deceptively named “cheeseburger pie.” (shudder) If you have a picky eater, odds are they don’t like lots of flavors and textures all mushed up together. Because it’s yucky.
6. For the picky eaters whose pickiness stems from a flavor issue, you have a tougher road ahead of you. The above tips should still help, but you’ll have less success with the “cover everything in cheese” approach. My niece, for example, loves macaroni and cheese. But only two specific kinds of macaroni and cheese. And if you happen to make one of the kinds using the oven instructions instead of the microwave instructions, be prepared to face a particularly infuriating look of mingled horror and pity.
7. For the flavor kids, my best advice is to involve them in the cooking process. Take them on exploratory field trips to the grocery store (this works best if it is just the two of you and you’re not in a rush or trying to get your week’s worth of groceries). Let the child lead the way and go through the produce section like it’s a treasure hunt (you can even come up with an elaborate treasure hunt list if you have a lot of spare time and creativity). Some grocery stores (Whole Foods in Austin being one of them) will offer a tasting tour of the produce section, or you can do one yourself. Awesome! There are also some great kids cookbooks; if your child is involved in making the meal, he or she will be more inclined to eat it. It empowers the child in a healthy way, and can be a fun bonding time with your child.
8. Make a game. You don’t ever want to punish your child for their eating habits; the dinner table shouldn’t be a combat zone. But you can make a fun poster to put up in your kitchen with some things like “craziest looking food I tried this week” or “history of the pluot” or things like that. Make food discovery playful and celebratory and see what happens.
9. Have your kids design one meal a week as a group. This empowers them and helps them participate in the mechanics of family life. Standard rules (two veg) apply, but let them decide. And parents, you’ll have to try two bites of everything too! Adults are always telling kids to try new foods, but never showing the kids that parents do this too. If you can model adventuresome eating, that will make a big impression.
10. Make an “I will absolutely never eat these foods ever” list. There were a few deal-breaker foods when I was a kid: seafood, mushrooms, nuts. I was not going to eat those foods, no matter how dire the consequences. In fact, I still won’t eat them or any dish that has come into even remote contact with them. You will probably know which foods these are for your kids. You can talk about it with them too, figuring out together what are the absolute most dreaded items (again, do this outside of mealtime!). This is a short list of will-not-eats, not just don’t-likes. Then, and this is the vital part, post the list on the refrigerator. My mom makes the most scrumptious zucchini bread, and it was one of my favorite treats as a kid (we had a very low-sugar household). But sometimes she would forget and would put nuts in it. Disasterpiece theater! When you forget which foods your kids abhor, they will take it personally. It’s not fair, but it’s true. So post the list and let them see that you are respecting their needs. This helps make you partners rather than adversaries.
11. The fruit drawer. My mom had the genius practice of having a fruit drawer in the refrigerator. We could always have fruit, anytime. We were in charge of going to get it and preparing it (i.e. she would not go get an apple, peel, slice, and present it to us on a plate), but it was always there and we could always have it. Fruit was really the only sugar we ever had in the house (rare dessert nights involved home made pudding or jello, often with fruit in it), so it was never a battle to get us to try fruit. Keeping basics on hand is great on many levels: empowers the kids, is a healthy food group, and ensures your stubborn child won’t starve.
12. Early trauma, abuse, or neglect often hardwires a child’s brain to fear starvation. To allay this fear, Karyn Purvis recommends feeding every two hours (smaller meals, obviously) and keeping food (in safe containers) available in the child’s room. Cleanliness is key here, so make sure you choose foods that aren’t going to attract creepy-crawlies. If that means putting a mini-fridge in your foster child’s room, then so be it.
13. Priorities. Some of our parenting involves parroting actions and phrases we grew up with and haven’t really examined. “Clean your plate” and “Don’t spoil your dinner” are some of the most common. Is it important for the whole family to sit down to meal time together? Yes, absolutely. Does it matter how much of the actual meal is consumed during that time? Not really, no. If giving your child an apple with peanut butter in the late afternoon helps them feel safe and loved but makes them less hungry for spaghetti later, who cares? Be consistent with the “two bites” rule and let the rest shake out how it will. (For a creative way to do both, check here). Make disarming your child’s fear response your first priority, and let your pride in elaborate Norman Rockwell mealtimes take a backseat for a bit (I’m preaching to myself on that one!).
This blog post was spurred by the following post. The comments on her post are helpful too.
Kids raised in loving, trauma-free homes are often picky eaters. Add in factors like abuse, trauma, and neglect, and your chances of massive food issues rise exponentially. For one thing, kids from hard places almost always have sensory processing issues, which makes food taste and texture a much bigger deal. Plus, the neuro-chemical makeup of traumatized kids is very different—serotonin levels are messed up, and many kids unknowingly self-medicate with food (let’s face it, a lot of adults do this too!). Good nutrition is essential for these kids, but how do we get them the right nutrients when all they want to eat is plain pasta and chocolate?
I’m not an expert, by any means. But I’ve been the kid who would literally rather starve to death than touch that shrimp with a ten-foot pole. And I’ve been the cook who slaved over the stove for an hour creating a special, delicious dish that the picky eater I adore won’t touch. Neither side is fun. So here’s a baker’s dozen of tips from the two sides of the battle.
1. Figure out what the issue is. This is a big one that often goes unexplored by well-intentioned “I’ll eat anything” caregivers. Is it a texture issue or a flavor issue? The major concern with the whole picky eating thing is that you don’t want to make it a battle with your child. This area can get combative quickly, and that has negative consequences for everyone. So instead, try to approach it all with as much playfulness as you can. Play a game with your child (not during meal time). Pretend you are a newspaper reporter (extra points for costumes) and interview your child about his/her favorite foods. You can even ask what it is about these foods that the child likes so much. This should give you some clues about whether the issue involves texture or flavor. I was a texture kid—if it was smooth and creamy, I would eat it. My niece is a flavor kid, which makes it all a bit more challenging.
2. If you’ve got a texture issue, you’re in luck. You can usually figure out a way to cook things (vegetables especially) that will make their texture more palatable. You may need to cook things like broccoli longer than you’d like, but if it gets your kid to eat broccoli, then who cares, right? Butter, cream, and cheese are going to be big helpers with this too. I know it’s not ideal, but a big serving of cauliflower with cheese sauce is better than no vegetables at all. My mom used to make “squish squash” (zucchini cooked with butter and onions until squishy). It’s still one of my favorite side dishes. And her carrots cooked in butter with dill? Magnifique!
3. Try out various cooking methods. I’ve yet to meet a kid who enjoys plain steamed vegetables. I love spinach in sandwiches or smoothies, but will never ever eat it cooked. Blech! Make various vegetables in a variety of ways, and see which ones pass muster. Cutting them in fun ways (tiny carrot sticks, letting them gnaw a whole carrot like a bunny, cooked sliced carrots, etc) can also help.
4. Two vegetables at every meal (separate—those frozen mixed vegetable bags are torture to a picky eater). They have to try two bites of everything on their plate (there’s an exception to this, see #10 below). Consistency is key here. If it’s a standing rule, it’s less likely to result in tantrums. Also, don’t overwhelm them with portions. Put just two bites of each vegetable on the plate. This saves parent angst about wasted food, and doesn’t overwhelm the kid.
5. A word on casseroles. Please don’t make them. I know they are easy for busy moms to put together and serve, but they are also gross. Don’t do it. The same goes for meatloaf, and the one dish my mom has ever made that was absolutely disgusting—the deceptively named “cheeseburger pie.” (shudder) If you have a picky eater, odds are they don’t like lots of flavors and textures all mushed up together. Because it’s yucky.
6. For the picky eaters whose pickiness stems from a flavor issue, you have a tougher road ahead of you. The above tips should still help, but you’ll have less success with the “cover everything in cheese” approach. My niece, for example, loves macaroni and cheese. But only two specific kinds of macaroni and cheese. And if you happen to make one of the kinds using the oven instructions instead of the microwave instructions, be prepared to face a particularly infuriating look of mingled horror and pity.
7. For the flavor kids, my best advice is to involve them in the cooking process. Take them on exploratory field trips to the grocery store (this works best if it is just the two of you and you’re not in a rush or trying to get your week’s worth of groceries). Let the child lead the way and go through the produce section like it’s a treasure hunt (you can even come up with an elaborate treasure hunt list if you have a lot of spare time and creativity). Some grocery stores (Whole Foods in Austin being one of them) will offer a tasting tour of the produce section, or you can do one yourself. Awesome! There are also some great kids cookbooks; if your child is involved in making the meal, he or she will be more inclined to eat it. It empowers the child in a healthy way, and can be a fun bonding time with your child.
8. Make a game. You don’t ever want to punish your child for their eating habits; the dinner table shouldn’t be a combat zone. But you can make a fun poster to put up in your kitchen with some things like “craziest looking food I tried this week” or “history of the pluot” or things like that. Make food discovery playful and celebratory and see what happens.
9. Have your kids design one meal a week as a group. This empowers them and helps them participate in the mechanics of family life. Standard rules (two veg) apply, but let them decide. And parents, you’ll have to try two bites of everything too! Adults are always telling kids to try new foods, but never showing the kids that parents do this too. If you can model adventuresome eating, that will make a big impression.
10. Make an “I will absolutely never eat these foods ever” list. There were a few deal-breaker foods when I was a kid: seafood, mushrooms, nuts. I was not going to eat those foods, no matter how dire the consequences. In fact, I still won’t eat them or any dish that has come into even remote contact with them. You will probably know which foods these are for your kids. You can talk about it with them too, figuring out together what are the absolute most dreaded items (again, do this outside of mealtime!). This is a short list of will-not-eats, not just don’t-likes. Then, and this is the vital part, post the list on the refrigerator. My mom makes the most scrumptious zucchini bread, and it was one of my favorite treats as a kid (we had a very low-sugar household). But sometimes she would forget and would put nuts in it. Disasterpiece theater! When you forget which foods your kids abhor, they will take it personally. It’s not fair, but it’s true. So post the list and let them see that you are respecting their needs. This helps make you partners rather than adversaries.
11. The fruit drawer. My mom had the genius practice of having a fruit drawer in the refrigerator. We could always have fruit, anytime. We were in charge of going to get it and preparing it (i.e. she would not go get an apple, peel, slice, and present it to us on a plate), but it was always there and we could always have it. Fruit was really the only sugar we ever had in the house (rare dessert nights involved home made pudding or jello, often with fruit in it), so it was never a battle to get us to try fruit. Keeping basics on hand is great on many levels: empowers the kids, is a healthy food group, and ensures your stubborn child won’t starve.
12. Early trauma, abuse, or neglect often hardwires a child’s brain to fear starvation. To allay this fear, Karyn Purvis recommends feeding every two hours (smaller meals, obviously) and keeping food (in safe containers) available in the child’s room. Cleanliness is key here, so make sure you choose foods that aren’t going to attract creepy-crawlies. If that means putting a mini-fridge in your foster child’s room, then so be it.
13. Priorities. Some of our parenting involves parroting actions and phrases we grew up with and haven’t really examined. “Clean your plate” and “Don’t spoil your dinner” are some of the most common. Is it important for the whole family to sit down to meal time together? Yes, absolutely. Does it matter how much of the actual meal is consumed during that time? Not really, no. If giving your child an apple with peanut butter in the late afternoon helps them feel safe and loved but makes them less hungry for spaghetti later, who cares? Be consistent with the “two bites” rule and let the rest shake out how it will. (For a creative way to do both, check here). Make disarming your child’s fear response your first priority, and let your pride in elaborate Norman Rockwell mealtimes take a backseat for a bit (I’m preaching to myself on that one!).
This blog post was spurred by the following post. The comments on her post are helpful too.
September 16, 2011
Books and Toys
As I’ve been thinking through getting my house ready to welcome a child, I’ve been thinking about the small touches that really make a child feel welcome. The top two things on my list? Books and toys.
I’m planning a whole bookshelf of great children’s books, but I also wanted to have some that deal with adoption and foster care. I found a great website with lists of children’s books that do just that. I’ll be ordering as many as I can and will give full book reviews then, but for now this is a great resource to check out.
Toy-wise, I’m picky. I prefer simple toys that encourage imagination and play over toys that do all the work for you. For example, I’d rather make pirate hats out of newspaper than buy pirate hats at a party store. Occasionally, I come across toys that are somewhat “gimmicky” but totally worth it. Every time I go to Central Market (a grocery store here in Austin), I walk past a display of these awesome plush toys called Kimochis that come with labeled feelings. I know that sounds like the most hippie toy ever, but honestly I almost buy one every time. They are soft and adorable, and I absolutely love the idea of having a safe, snuggly toy to help your child communicate how he or she is feeling. One mom reported that her child would put the “cranky” feeling in the Kimochi and put it outside his door when he needed some break time. Another mom wrote that her daughter picks three feelings each night at bedtime and they talk about things that happened during the day that brought up those three feelings. I love that.
More recs to come in the weeks ahead!
I’m planning a whole bookshelf of great children’s books, but I also wanted to have some that deal with adoption and foster care. I found a great website with lists of children’s books that do just that. I’ll be ordering as many as I can and will give full book reviews then, but for now this is a great resource to check out.
Toy-wise, I’m picky. I prefer simple toys that encourage imagination and play over toys that do all the work for you. For example, I’d rather make pirate hats out of newspaper than buy pirate hats at a party store. Occasionally, I come across toys that are somewhat “gimmicky” but totally worth it. Every time I go to Central Market (a grocery store here in Austin), I walk past a display of these awesome plush toys called Kimochis that come with labeled feelings. I know that sounds like the most hippie toy ever, but honestly I almost buy one every time. They are soft and adorable, and I absolutely love the idea of having a safe, snuggly toy to help your child communicate how he or she is feeling. One mom reported that her child would put the “cranky” feeling in the Kimochi and put it outside his door when he needed some break time. Another mom wrote that her daughter picks three feelings each night at bedtime and they talk about things that happened during the day that brought up those three feelings. I love that.
More recs to come in the weeks ahead!
September 15, 2011
Wait... what?
I had my second foster parent licensing class session tonight. Oh Lordy. It was titled “Operations,” and covered the basics of the monthly home visit (some announced, some unannounced) that case managers and foster parents endure (for lack of a better word). There is another three-hour class devoted solely to documentation.
Golly. To say that I was overwhelmed by tonight’s information would be a gross understatement. Shell-shocked is perhaps a more fitting term. Forget for a moment that foster parenting involves helping severely wounded and traumatized strangers heal. That alone is work most people would politely pass on if asked. Add to that the sheer amount of paperwork involved in this crazy endeavor, and I was more than slightly cross-eyed by the end of tonight’s session. Here are some examples (and keep in mind we are really just grazing the tip of the iceberg here):
- Every single household cleanser must be kept in a locked container out of reach of children. Spill something? Get out a key and a stepladder.
- You have to keep weekly, often daily, detailed accounts of your child’s behavior, moods, experiences. This is the kind of thing well meaning biological parents dream of doing with their first child, but by the third they don’t even have a picture of the kid before first grade. With foster kids, it’s law. Oh, and that’s completely separate from the “educational portfolio” that you keep in addition to the more ‘basic’ log. And then of course there’s the medication log…
- You have a posted fire evacuation plan, with monthly fire drills. I moved into my house five years ago, and I don’t think I’ve even tested a smoke alarm since. And don’t even get me started on the disaster preparation kits and accoutrements that need to be assembled (they gave us a book to fill in…a book!).
- If you have a swimming pool (or a koi pond, or a fountain, or a bird bath, or an inflatable wading pool, or a forgotten bucket), you can’t foster a child unless you undertake massive fence construction. There was one couple tonight for whom I would wager this was a deal breaker.
Paperwork. Mounds of it. The CPS minimum standards document is 358 pages long. 358! And most agencies add more rigorous standards on top of that.
Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely believe it is essential that we safeguard these traumatized children with careful and consistently monitored procedures. But as someone facing this onslaught of regulations, it is a bit panic-inducing. I am not administratively incompetent, but still, I have a subtle nauseating feeling that I might need a full-time secretary just to be a foster parent…
Golly. To say that I was overwhelmed by tonight’s information would be a gross understatement. Shell-shocked is perhaps a more fitting term. Forget for a moment that foster parenting involves helping severely wounded and traumatized strangers heal. That alone is work most people would politely pass on if asked. Add to that the sheer amount of paperwork involved in this crazy endeavor, and I was more than slightly cross-eyed by the end of tonight’s session. Here are some examples (and keep in mind we are really just grazing the tip of the iceberg here):
- Every single household cleanser must be kept in a locked container out of reach of children. Spill something? Get out a key and a stepladder.
- You have to keep weekly, often daily, detailed accounts of your child’s behavior, moods, experiences. This is the kind of thing well meaning biological parents dream of doing with their first child, but by the third they don’t even have a picture of the kid before first grade. With foster kids, it’s law. Oh, and that’s completely separate from the “educational portfolio” that you keep in addition to the more ‘basic’ log. And then of course there’s the medication log…
- You have a posted fire evacuation plan, with monthly fire drills. I moved into my house five years ago, and I don’t think I’ve even tested a smoke alarm since. And don’t even get me started on the disaster preparation kits and accoutrements that need to be assembled (they gave us a book to fill in…a book!).
- If you have a swimming pool (or a koi pond, or a fountain, or a bird bath, or an inflatable wading pool, or a forgotten bucket), you can’t foster a child unless you undertake massive fence construction. There was one couple tonight for whom I would wager this was a deal breaker.
Paperwork. Mounds of it. The CPS minimum standards document is 358 pages long. 358! And most agencies add more rigorous standards on top of that.
Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely believe it is essential that we safeguard these traumatized children with careful and consistently monitored procedures. But as someone facing this onslaught of regulations, it is a bit panic-inducing. I am not administratively incompetent, but still, I have a subtle nauseating feeling that I might need a full-time secretary just to be a foster parent…
September 14, 2011
Picture Books!!
I came across a blog the other day that asked the question, ‘are there any good (young) children’s books with African-American protagonists?’
Honestly, if you ask me any question with the word “books” in it, prepare for an overwhelming onslaught of unsought information. [Raised by a teacher, two degrees in English Literature, worked as a librarian, read more than I sleep, etc etc.]
That said, my preliminary researches led me to the following list, which is by one of my favorite website-owners/tweeters ever. If you are as addicted to reading as I am (and I doubt anyone actually is…), this is your lifeblood. And if you’re ‘normal,’ you should still check it out. =)
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
Peter's Chair by Ezra Jack Keats
Corduroy by Don Freeman [This is one of my favorite children's books ever!]
Ten, Nine, Eight illustrated by Molly Bang
Tar Beach by Faith Ringgold
A Letter to Amy by Ezra Jack Keats
I would also add a few “Reading Rainbow” favorites. As a kid, I was only allowed to watch half an hour of television a day. I hated this rule at the time, but am soooooo thankful for it today. It was always a tough call for me between Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow, but I almost always chose Reading Rainbow. Honestly, I wish there were a similar show for adults!! Reading Rainbow was not only the most fantastic show ever, it also exposed me to many more cultures and ways of life than I would ever have experienced on my own. I still remember several of the books highlighted on RR, and this from a girl with an almost non-existent long term memory. A few of my favorite ‘multi-cultural’ RR selections are:
Bringing the Rain to Kapiti Plain by Verna Aardema
Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People’s Ears by Verna Aardema
The Patchwork Quilt by Valeria Flournoy
A Chair for my Mother by Vera B. Williams
Whoever You Are by Mem Fox (I haven’t read this one, but it looks awesome!)
Galimoto by Karen Lynn Williams (Again, haven’t read it, but looks fantastic!)
Mr. George Baker by Amy Hest (Another unread, but great-looking, book)
Just Us Women by Jeannette Caines (makes me want to take my nieces on a roadtrip!)
If you search for “Reading Rainbow” through Amazon, you’ll find lots more.
Honestly, if you ask me any question with the word “books” in it, prepare for an overwhelming onslaught of unsought information. [Raised by a teacher, two degrees in English Literature, worked as a librarian, read more than I sleep, etc etc.]
That said, my preliminary researches led me to the following list, which is by one of my favorite website-owners/tweeters ever. If you are as addicted to reading as I am (and I doubt anyone actually is…), this is your lifeblood. And if you’re ‘normal,’ you should still check it out. =)
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
Peter's Chair by Ezra Jack Keats
Corduroy by Don Freeman [This is one of my favorite children's books ever!]
Ten, Nine, Eight illustrated by Molly Bang
Tar Beach by Faith Ringgold
A Letter to Amy by Ezra Jack Keats
I would also add a few “Reading Rainbow” favorites. As a kid, I was only allowed to watch half an hour of television a day. I hated this rule at the time, but am soooooo thankful for it today. It was always a tough call for me between Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow, but I almost always chose Reading Rainbow. Honestly, I wish there were a similar show for adults!! Reading Rainbow was not only the most fantastic show ever, it also exposed me to many more cultures and ways of life than I would ever have experienced on my own. I still remember several of the books highlighted on RR, and this from a girl with an almost non-existent long term memory. A few of my favorite ‘multi-cultural’ RR selections are:
Bringing the Rain to Kapiti Plain by Verna Aardema
Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People’s Ears by Verna Aardema
The Patchwork Quilt by Valeria Flournoy
A Chair for my Mother by Vera B. Williams
Whoever You Are by Mem Fox (I haven’t read this one, but it looks awesome!)
Galimoto by Karen Lynn Williams (Again, haven’t read it, but looks fantastic!)
Mr. George Baker by Amy Hest (Another unread, but great-looking, book)
Just Us Women by Jeannette Caines (makes me want to take my nieces on a roadtrip!)
If you search for “Reading Rainbow” through Amazon, you’ll find lots more.
September 13, 2011
Wedge Me In and Let Me Stay
Last night was the first session of my foster parent licensing class. The topic was an introduction to the foster care system, particularly the routes that children take into, out of, and often back into, care. It was overwhelming and heart-breaking, and I’ll have to process its impact more in another post. But I came across a really convicting blog post this morning, and I wanted to share it.
This is from the blog of a mother of eleven children, several with special needs. I don’t know her full “adoption story,” but she definitely seems to have a heart for children from hard places. The following is an excerpt from a poem she wrote, imagining what a child who didn’t get adopted would say about it later in life. It is beyond poignant; I think that last line is going to sustain me through some rough nights.
I understand that man would say
my childhood has slipped away.
I have a Father, this is true,
I know the same strong God as you.
But I wish that I had had a mom,
a brother, a sister, a dog, some lawn.
That you had tried to reach me there
not left me to my own despair.
To people who were paid to feed,
and paid to wash and paid to read.
To those who didn't stay too long
and those who chose to teach me wrong.
I wish…
I wish that you had found a way
to wedge me in and let me stay.
This is from the blog of a mother of eleven children, several with special needs. I don’t know her full “adoption story,” but she definitely seems to have a heart for children from hard places. The following is an excerpt from a poem she wrote, imagining what a child who didn’t get adopted would say about it later in life. It is beyond poignant; I think that last line is going to sustain me through some rough nights.
I understand that man would say
my childhood has slipped away.
I have a Father, this is true,
I know the same strong God as you.
But I wish that I had had a mom,
a brother, a sister, a dog, some lawn.
That you had tried to reach me there
not left me to my own despair.
To people who were paid to feed,
and paid to wash and paid to read.
To those who didn't stay too long
and those who chose to teach me wrong.
I wish…
I wish that you had found a way
to wedge me in and let me stay.
September 12, 2011
Preparing to Adopt or Foster
Tonight I will attend my first foster parent licensing class session. I am excited. Not giddy excited, but more “I finally get to take a step onto the road I’ve been staring at for so long” excited. This class is only one part of the preparation for fostering; so much of my preparation involves prayer and reading and research that I feel like the “official” training is just the state-approved seal on a preparation that has been going on for months.
I have been thinking a lot about my TBRI training, letting it sink deeper and deeper into my brain. Practice is an essential key of “mastering” this model, so I often think through scenarios and plan out potential responses and reactions. I thought it would be good to share some great preparatory questions that the folks at Empowered to Connect have come up with. These are a great balance to the standard “do you have enough square footage” questions that agencies (rightly) ask. In getting ready to serve and love these children, I worry that it is easy to get bogged down in making sure our homes are prepared—we really need to pray that God will prepare our hearts.
“We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. Just as Jesus in Luke 14 challenged those who would follow him to ‘count the cost,’ so too parents who respond to God’s call to adopt or foster must be willing to count the cost of the adoption journey and prepare to ‘lay down their lives’ to love their child and help him or her become all that God intends.
The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child as you faithfully follow God’s call in your life.
1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?
2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?
3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to ‘un-learn’ certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?
4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?
9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?
10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?
As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation. That may be the case to some extent, as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.”
I have been thinking a lot about my TBRI training, letting it sink deeper and deeper into my brain. Practice is an essential key of “mastering” this model, so I often think through scenarios and plan out potential responses and reactions. I thought it would be good to share some great preparatory questions that the folks at Empowered to Connect have come up with. These are a great balance to the standard “do you have enough square footage” questions that agencies (rightly) ask. In getting ready to serve and love these children, I worry that it is easy to get bogged down in making sure our homes are prepared—we really need to pray that God will prepare our hearts.
“We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. Just as Jesus in Luke 14 challenged those who would follow him to ‘count the cost,’ so too parents who respond to God’s call to adopt or foster must be willing to count the cost of the adoption journey and prepare to ‘lay down their lives’ to love their child and help him or her become all that God intends.
The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child as you faithfully follow God’s call in your life.
1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?
2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?
3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to ‘un-learn’ certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?
4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?
9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?
10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?
As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation. That may be the case to some extent, as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.”
September 11, 2011
9/11/11
At the round earth's imagined corners, blow
Your trumpets, angels, and arise, arise
From death, you numberless infinities
Of souls, and to your scattered bodies go,
All whom the flood did, and fire shall, o'erthrow,
All whom war, dearth, age, agues, tyrannies,
Despair, law, chance, hath slain, and you whose eyes,
Shall behold God, and never taste death's woe.
But let them sleep, Lord, and me mourn a space;
For, if above all these, my sins abound,
'Tis late to ask abundance of thy grace,
When we are there. Here on this lowly ground,
Teach me how to repent; for that's as good
As if thou hadst seal'd my pardon with thy blood.
--John Donne
Your trumpets, angels, and arise, arise
From death, you numberless infinities
Of souls, and to your scattered bodies go,
All whom the flood did, and fire shall, o'erthrow,
All whom war, dearth, age, agues, tyrannies,
Despair, law, chance, hath slain, and you whose eyes,
Shall behold God, and never taste death's woe.
But let them sleep, Lord, and me mourn a space;
For, if above all these, my sins abound,
'Tis late to ask abundance of thy grace,
When we are there. Here on this lowly ground,
Teach me how to repent; for that's as good
As if thou hadst seal'd my pardon with thy blood.
--John Donne
September 10, 2011
Foster Adoption 101
From the Dave Thomas Foundation:
"Are you thinking about foster care adoption? “Finding Forever Families” is a concise and effective road map for adoptive parents to help you comfortably navigate the process. The guide answers general questions about foster care adoption, explains how to begin the process, and walks you through the steps. We include a variety of additional resources: a glossary of adoption terms, agency referrals, and heartwarming stories of successful adoptions."
Check out the available resources here.
"Are you thinking about foster care adoption? “Finding Forever Families” is a concise and effective road map for adoptive parents to help you comfortably navigate the process. The guide answers general questions about foster care adoption, explains how to begin the process, and walks you through the steps. We include a variety of additional resources: a glossary of adoption terms, agency referrals, and heartwarming stories of successful adoptions."
Check out the available resources here.
September 9, 2011
Fatherless Fallout
In the last verse of the Old Testament, the prophet Malachi reports that God “will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse.” (Malachi 4:6) Clearly, the Israelite families were in trouble. Fathers were not passing on their faith to their children, and the nation had turned away from God because of this failure. Today in the US, we face an even greater crisis. Christians are failing to pass on our faith to the next generation at alarming rates; some estimate that “88% of Christian teens are leaving the church by their second year of college.”1 What is worse is the fact that a rising number of American families do not even include a father, much less one who could pass on his faith to his children.
“In spring 2008, an estimated 13.7 million parents had custody of 21.8 million children under 21 years of age while the other parent lived somewhere else. The 21.8 million children living with their custodial parent represented over one-quarter (26.3 percent) of all 82.8 million children under 21 years old living in families… Mothers accounted for the majority of custodial parents (82.6 percent) while 17.4 percent were fathers.”2 This alarming statistic means that one in four children is living in a single parent household, and the majority of those children are living without fathers. The number of babies born into homes without fathers has increased drastically in the past fifty years. “In 1964, fewer than 10% of babies were born to single mothers. Today that number is above 40 percent for the overall population and even higher among Hispanics and African-Americans (50 and 70 percent respectively).”3 This is a deeply disturbing reality, and the number of single-parent households continues to grow at a depressing speed. “The percentage of children under 18 living with two married parents declined to 66 percent in 2010, down from 69 percent in 2000.”4
The impact of growing up without a father is serious. Many of the children being raised by single mothers face significant poverty, so their lives are physically difficult. “It is estimated that approximately two-thirds of single-parent mothers live below the poverty level.”5 Greater still, however, is the emotional fallout of a fatherless upbringing. Children raised without a father are “4.6 times more likely to commit suicide, 6.6 times more likely to become teenaged mothers (females), 24.3 times more likely to run away,15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders, 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions, 10.8 times more likely to commit rape (males), 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school, and 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.”6 From Genesis to Malachi, there are thirty-five direct commands or rebukes from God concerning the care of the orphan, the fatherless, and the widow. The God who was so passionate about caring for orphans and widows throughout the Old Testament is surely just as broken-hearted at the plight of single mothers and their children today.
One great crisis facing American families, therefore, is the complete absence of fathers in a rising number of households. Equally disturbing, though not as clearly documented, is the number of children growing up with fathers who are in the home but not necessarily involved in any way in leading the family or raising the children. “As a cultural idea, our inherited understanding of fatherhood is under siege. Men in general, and fathers in particular, are increasingly viewed as superfluous to family life: either expendable or as part of the problem. Masculinity itself, understood as anything other than a rejection of what it has traditionally meant to be male, is typically treated with suspicion and even hostility in our cultural discourse. Consequently, our society is now manifestly unable to sustain, or even find reason to believe in, fatherhood as a distinctive domain of male activity.”7 Whereas fathers used to work alongside their children in the fields and farms, now most fathers work outside of the home for a minimum of forty hours a week. With children’s increased number of extra-curricular activities and the pervasive dependence on television for entertainment and relaxation, any father who wants to spend quality time with his children faces an uphill battle.
Whether fathers are absent entirely or simply absent in terms of spiritual leadership and personal interaction, the impact on children is powerful. It is tempting to think of the destructive wake of fatherlessness as a modern phenomenon, but the Bible is filled with stories of the influence fathers have on the faith of their children. The records of the kings of Israel and Judah offer a litany of wickedness passed down from one generation to the other. And though we fixate on David’s sin with Bathsheba, it is clear from the turmoil of his later years that while he may have been a man after God’s own heart, he was certainly not a godly father. We can trace the failures of human fathers from the favoritism displayed by Isaac and Jacob to the lectures given by Solomon, whose life failed to teach his sons the wisdom he wrote of so eloquently. As a counterpart to these failed human fathers, however, the Old and New Testaments offer a perfect example for us to emulate—our holy, loving, and merciful heavenly Father. It is His example we must follow and teach in order to reconcile and unite fathers and children.
History, culture, and the Bible all reveal that excellent fatherhood is not our default setting as humans. Yet excellent fatherhood is the commanded standard: “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) Clearly, we must aim for this high standard, and we must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit as we train and encourage fathers to turn their hearts to their children. Luke’s description of John the Baptist underscores how important this restoration of fatherhood is to the people of God. “It is he who will go as a forerunner before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children, and the disobedient to the attitude of the righteous, so as to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” (Luke 1:17) God considers holy, discipling relationships between fathers and children as part of righteousness, of being in right relationship with God Himself. “The fifth commandment implied that the home was essentially the school of the community. There, in a ‘world in miniature,’ authority and submission, love and loyalty, obedience and trust could be learned as nowhere else and, with the word of God as guide in the home, society could be changed.”8
Fathers whose hearts are turned toward their children offer the world both a picture of the restorative work of Christ in the hearts of believers and a picture of the loving Father we have in God Himself. It is vital, therefore, that the church work to empower, equip, and encourage fathers in leading their homes, loving their children, and effectively passing on their faith to the next generation.
_____________________________________________
1. Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Driven Faith, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2007), 10.
2. http://www.census.gov/prod/2009pubs/p60-237.pdf
3. http://blog.heritage.org/2010/12/22/fewer-teen-moms-but-more-babies-born-to-single-moms-than-ever/ This article cites statistics from the following report: http://www.heritage.org/Research/Projects/Marriage-Poverty/Marriage-and-Poverty-in-the-US
4. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/families_households/cb10-174.html
5. Jack O. and Judith K. Balswick, The Family (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2007), 313.
6. http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm
7. David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America (New York: Harper Collins, 1995), 2.
8. Joyce Baldwin, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi: an Introduction and Commentary (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1972), 252.
“In spring 2008, an estimated 13.7 million parents had custody of 21.8 million children under 21 years of age while the other parent lived somewhere else. The 21.8 million children living with their custodial parent represented over one-quarter (26.3 percent) of all 82.8 million children under 21 years old living in families… Mothers accounted for the majority of custodial parents (82.6 percent) while 17.4 percent were fathers.”2 This alarming statistic means that one in four children is living in a single parent household, and the majority of those children are living without fathers. The number of babies born into homes without fathers has increased drastically in the past fifty years. “In 1964, fewer than 10% of babies were born to single mothers. Today that number is above 40 percent for the overall population and even higher among Hispanics and African-Americans (50 and 70 percent respectively).”3 This is a deeply disturbing reality, and the number of single-parent households continues to grow at a depressing speed. “The percentage of children under 18 living with two married parents declined to 66 percent in 2010, down from 69 percent in 2000.”4
The impact of growing up without a father is serious. Many of the children being raised by single mothers face significant poverty, so their lives are physically difficult. “It is estimated that approximately two-thirds of single-parent mothers live below the poverty level.”5 Greater still, however, is the emotional fallout of a fatherless upbringing. Children raised without a father are “4.6 times more likely to commit suicide, 6.6 times more likely to become teenaged mothers (females), 24.3 times more likely to run away,15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders, 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions, 10.8 times more likely to commit rape (males), 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school, and 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.”6 From Genesis to Malachi, there are thirty-five direct commands or rebukes from God concerning the care of the orphan, the fatherless, and the widow. The God who was so passionate about caring for orphans and widows throughout the Old Testament is surely just as broken-hearted at the plight of single mothers and their children today.
One great crisis facing American families, therefore, is the complete absence of fathers in a rising number of households. Equally disturbing, though not as clearly documented, is the number of children growing up with fathers who are in the home but not necessarily involved in any way in leading the family or raising the children. “As a cultural idea, our inherited understanding of fatherhood is under siege. Men in general, and fathers in particular, are increasingly viewed as superfluous to family life: either expendable or as part of the problem. Masculinity itself, understood as anything other than a rejection of what it has traditionally meant to be male, is typically treated with suspicion and even hostility in our cultural discourse. Consequently, our society is now manifestly unable to sustain, or even find reason to believe in, fatherhood as a distinctive domain of male activity.”7 Whereas fathers used to work alongside their children in the fields and farms, now most fathers work outside of the home for a minimum of forty hours a week. With children’s increased number of extra-curricular activities and the pervasive dependence on television for entertainment and relaxation, any father who wants to spend quality time with his children faces an uphill battle.
Whether fathers are absent entirely or simply absent in terms of spiritual leadership and personal interaction, the impact on children is powerful. It is tempting to think of the destructive wake of fatherlessness as a modern phenomenon, but the Bible is filled with stories of the influence fathers have on the faith of their children. The records of the kings of Israel and Judah offer a litany of wickedness passed down from one generation to the other. And though we fixate on David’s sin with Bathsheba, it is clear from the turmoil of his later years that while he may have been a man after God’s own heart, he was certainly not a godly father. We can trace the failures of human fathers from the favoritism displayed by Isaac and Jacob to the lectures given by Solomon, whose life failed to teach his sons the wisdom he wrote of so eloquently. As a counterpart to these failed human fathers, however, the Old and New Testaments offer a perfect example for us to emulate—our holy, loving, and merciful heavenly Father. It is His example we must follow and teach in order to reconcile and unite fathers and children.
History, culture, and the Bible all reveal that excellent fatherhood is not our default setting as humans. Yet excellent fatherhood is the commanded standard: “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) Clearly, we must aim for this high standard, and we must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit as we train and encourage fathers to turn their hearts to their children. Luke’s description of John the Baptist underscores how important this restoration of fatherhood is to the people of God. “It is he who will go as a forerunner before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children, and the disobedient to the attitude of the righteous, so as to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” (Luke 1:17) God considers holy, discipling relationships between fathers and children as part of righteousness, of being in right relationship with God Himself. “The fifth commandment implied that the home was essentially the school of the community. There, in a ‘world in miniature,’ authority and submission, love and loyalty, obedience and trust could be learned as nowhere else and, with the word of God as guide in the home, society could be changed.”8
Fathers whose hearts are turned toward their children offer the world both a picture of the restorative work of Christ in the hearts of believers and a picture of the loving Father we have in God Himself. It is vital, therefore, that the church work to empower, equip, and encourage fathers in leading their homes, loving their children, and effectively passing on their faith to the next generation.
_____________________________________________
1. Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Driven Faith, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2007), 10.
2. http://www.census.gov/prod/2009pubs/p60-237.pdf
3. http://blog.heritage.org/2010/12/22/fewer-teen-moms-but-more-babies-born-to-single-moms-than-ever/ This article cites statistics from the following report: http://www.heritage.org/Research/Projects/Marriage-Poverty/Marriage-and-Poverty-in-the-US
4. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/families_households/cb10-174.html
5. Jack O. and Judith K. Balswick, The Family (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2007), 313.
6. http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm
7. David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America (New York: Harper Collins, 1995), 2.
8. Joyce Baldwin, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi: an Introduction and Commentary (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1972), 252.
September 8, 2011
Foster Care: Parental Rights vs Human Rights
Part of the research I engage in each day involves reading adoption and foster care blogs to get a better perspective on life “in the trenches.” I came across a blog post this morning from a woman who aged out of the foster care system without being adopted. Her perspective and experience is both heartbreaking and invaluable. I wish we could hear more often from those who have experienced foster care; so often well meaning people assume what people in need need without actually giving the people in need a chance to speak.
The primary goal of Child Protective Services in the United States is to reunite biological families whenever possible. Here is an excerpt from the CPS handbook (for Texas--each state is different):
“The purpose of the Child Protective Services (CPS) Program is to protect children and to act in the children's best interest.
Through the program, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) focuses on children and their families and seeks active involvement of the children's parents and other family members to solve problems that lead to abuse or neglect. Program objectives are to
1. Prevent further harm to the child and to keep the child with his family when possible.
If this objective cannot be attained, DFPS considers removal of the child from the family and placement with substitute families or caretakers.
2. Provide permanence for a child in substitute care by resolving family dysfunction and returning the child to the family.
If this objective cannot be attained, DFPS recommends termination of the parent-child relationship and permanent placement of the child with another family or caretaker.
3. Provide permanence for a child who cannot return to the family by recommending termination of the parent-child relationship or other suitable legal authorization for permanent placement of the child with another family or caretaker.
CPS staff understand the need for preventive and supportive services that originate from community involvement in the protection of children. Staff are committed to the development of resources and agreements to help families before abuse and neglect occur. Staff work cooperatively with other department programs, other state and local agencies, the private child welfare sector, and the voluntary sector.”
The woman who blogged about her experience aging out of foster care brings a different perspective to the issue of reunification, and I found it incredibly insightful (and deeply troubling).
I encourage you to take a moment and read it here.
The primary goal of Child Protective Services in the United States is to reunite biological families whenever possible. Here is an excerpt from the CPS handbook (for Texas--each state is different):
“The purpose of the Child Protective Services (CPS) Program is to protect children and to act in the children's best interest.
Through the program, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) focuses on children and their families and seeks active involvement of the children's parents and other family members to solve problems that lead to abuse or neglect. Program objectives are to
1. Prevent further harm to the child and to keep the child with his family when possible.
If this objective cannot be attained, DFPS considers removal of the child from the family and placement with substitute families or caretakers.
2. Provide permanence for a child in substitute care by resolving family dysfunction and returning the child to the family.
If this objective cannot be attained, DFPS recommends termination of the parent-child relationship and permanent placement of the child with another family or caretaker.
3. Provide permanence for a child who cannot return to the family by recommending termination of the parent-child relationship or other suitable legal authorization for permanent placement of the child with another family or caretaker.
CPS staff understand the need for preventive and supportive services that originate from community involvement in the protection of children. Staff are committed to the development of resources and agreements to help families before abuse and neglect occur. Staff work cooperatively with other department programs, other state and local agencies, the private child welfare sector, and the voluntary sector.”
The woman who blogged about her experience aging out of foster care brings a different perspective to the issue of reunification, and I found it incredibly insightful (and deeply troubling).
I encourage you to take a moment and read it here.
September 7, 2011
A Mother's Prayer
This morning I got a phone call from one of my favorite people in the world, my friend Angie. I can’t say enough great things about this woman. Suffice to say, if the only thing I ever gained from my years at seminary was my friendship with Angie, the whole thing would be more than worth it.
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked how her oldest son, who has just started college, was doing. As she filled me in on his experiences, she shared with me her prayer for her son. She said, “I pray that, beyond everything, he learns to really lean into the presence of God. I don’t care if he becomes financially successful, marries the girl of his dreams, or changes the world. I just want him to trust and rely on the Lord.”
I was so humbled and encouraged by this simple prayer from a mother’s heart. So much of what I read from adoptive and foster parents is anxiety. They worry their children will feel lost or unloved. They worry their children will struggle in school. They worry that the awful things strangers say in ignorance will wound their children. They worry constantly. And I don’t fault them for worrying; I’m sure I will worry just as much. And I don’t fault them for the things they worry about; these are real concerns that any loving parent should think about. These are certainly real issues that will come up. And let’s face it—much as we wish it weren’t, worry is a sign of love. We hate it when the ones we love suffer, and we worry in an attempt to prevent or prepare for anything that might hurt them.
One of the things I love about Angie’s prayer for her son is that it acknowledges that we fear, worry, and dream for our children. It doesn’t pretend that we can flip a switch and suddenly follow Luke 12:25-26, “And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?” We know worry does nothing except eat at our brains, but I’ve yet to find anyone who can simply stop worrying and be happy.
Angie’s prayer acknowledges our frailty, our tendency to worry, but it also reminds us what worry should predominate. Our focus as we love our children should not be that they survive the trials or attain the trinkets of this world. It should be that they learn to know, to trust, to rely on God. Because if this worry is laid to rest, all the others are as well. If they trust in God, there is nothing that can everlastingly harm them, no pain that can utterly defeat them, no furnace into which they will walk alone.
Pray constantly for your children. Pray for everything in their lives, from the most mundane to the most massive. But always put first the prayer that they would know, love, and lean on God.
For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:30-32
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked how her oldest son, who has just started college, was doing. As she filled me in on his experiences, she shared with me her prayer for her son. She said, “I pray that, beyond everything, he learns to really lean into the presence of God. I don’t care if he becomes financially successful, marries the girl of his dreams, or changes the world. I just want him to trust and rely on the Lord.”
I was so humbled and encouraged by this simple prayer from a mother’s heart. So much of what I read from adoptive and foster parents is anxiety. They worry their children will feel lost or unloved. They worry their children will struggle in school. They worry that the awful things strangers say in ignorance will wound their children. They worry constantly. And I don’t fault them for worrying; I’m sure I will worry just as much. And I don’t fault them for the things they worry about; these are real concerns that any loving parent should think about. These are certainly real issues that will come up. And let’s face it—much as we wish it weren’t, worry is a sign of love. We hate it when the ones we love suffer, and we worry in an attempt to prevent or prepare for anything that might hurt them.
One of the things I love about Angie’s prayer for her son is that it acknowledges that we fear, worry, and dream for our children. It doesn’t pretend that we can flip a switch and suddenly follow Luke 12:25-26, “And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?” We know worry does nothing except eat at our brains, but I’ve yet to find anyone who can simply stop worrying and be happy.
Angie’s prayer acknowledges our frailty, our tendency to worry, but it also reminds us what worry should predominate. Our focus as we love our children should not be that they survive the trials or attain the trinkets of this world. It should be that they learn to know, to trust, to rely on God. Because if this worry is laid to rest, all the others are as well. If they trust in God, there is nothing that can everlastingly harm them, no pain that can utterly defeat them, no furnace into which they will walk alone.
Pray constantly for your children. Pray for everything in their lives, from the most mundane to the most massive. But always put first the prayer that they would know, love, and lean on God.
For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:30-32
September 6, 2011
Big Problems, Bigger God
I had a great meeting this morning with my boss at the church where I’m working. We got to dream big about the amazing things God might do in the city of Austin. And even better, for a practical gal like me, we got to plan action steps to begin implementing some of these fantastic dreams.
The number of orphans in the world is overwhelming. The number of children in foster care who are waiting to be adopted just in Travis county is overwhelming. The amount of support that families who adopt need is overwhelming. The world of adoption and foster care is a big big world. There is so much that needs to be done and so many different ways to go about doing it. Sometimes the massiveness of the whole thing is just plain overwhelming, whether you’re thinking about the global orphan crisis or just thinking about fostering one child. The vastness can be paralyzing.
Thankfully, we serve a God who is infinitely bigger than any of these problems. We serve a God who loves the orphan infinitely more than we ever could. We serve a God who is more powerful than anything we can even imagine. And we serve a God who knows, in even greater detail than we do ourselves, just how weak and wicked and wrong-headed we are. He knows this and uses us anyway for the rescue of the defenseless and the glory of His name. Hallelujah!
“Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David was an adulterer, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sarah was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was dead...
God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called!”
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
The number of orphans in the world is overwhelming. The number of children in foster care who are waiting to be adopted just in Travis county is overwhelming. The amount of support that families who adopt need is overwhelming. The world of adoption and foster care is a big big world. There is so much that needs to be done and so many different ways to go about doing it. Sometimes the massiveness of the whole thing is just plain overwhelming, whether you’re thinking about the global orphan crisis or just thinking about fostering one child. The vastness can be paralyzing.
Thankfully, we serve a God who is infinitely bigger than any of these problems. We serve a God who loves the orphan infinitely more than we ever could. We serve a God who is more powerful than anything we can even imagine. And we serve a God who knows, in even greater detail than we do ourselves, just how weak and wicked and wrong-headed we are. He knows this and uses us anyway for the rescue of the defenseless and the glory of His name. Hallelujah!
“Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David was an adulterer, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sarah was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was dead...
God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called!”
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
September 5, 2011
Small Beds, Big Joy
I bought mattresses tonight. Lovely plush twin mattresses for the bedroom where my foster child(ren) will sleep. I went in today because of the Labor Day mattress sales, and strode in businesslike and efficient. But then, as I stepped out of the store, I literally clapped my hands in glee. I am so excited!
The room in my house that is currently my guest room but will soon be my child(ren)’s room is already finished. It is a lovely, welcoming room with two twin beds, pictures on the walls, a comfortable reading chair, books on the shelves, and even whimsical fairies hanging in the window. It was, in fact, the first room I “finished” when I moved into the house five years ago. But the mattresses are thin and hard, and the bed frames are cheap and low to the ground. When I say I brought the two frames and two mattresses home from the store in the trunk of my tiny VW Jetta, you’ll have an idea where they came from. They worked fine in a pinch or for a short overnight, but they’re not very comfortable, and they’re not very welcoming.
This process of praying through and preparing to become a foster parent has been fraught with so much seriousness, so much anxiety, so many checklists and forms and administrative details. I have some idea of how vast and difficult an undertaking it is going to be, and I feel blessed to be going in without rose-tinted glasses. But tonight was the first time I got an inkling of the joy it is going to be. The mountain of potential mistakes a parent can make is high. The mountain of potential mistakes the parent of a hurt kid can make looms even higher. Tonight I took a small step up that mountain. Whatever difficulties lie ahead, at least I know this kid is going to have a comfortable bed. Somehow, that feels huge.
And also, whether spurred by a nesting instinct or just common compassion, buying these mattresses has made the process more real to me. There will be actual children in these beds, in this room, in this house. And I am so excited to meet them!
The room in my house that is currently my guest room but will soon be my child(ren)’s room is already finished. It is a lovely, welcoming room with two twin beds, pictures on the walls, a comfortable reading chair, books on the shelves, and even whimsical fairies hanging in the window. It was, in fact, the first room I “finished” when I moved into the house five years ago. But the mattresses are thin and hard, and the bed frames are cheap and low to the ground. When I say I brought the two frames and two mattresses home from the store in the trunk of my tiny VW Jetta, you’ll have an idea where they came from. They worked fine in a pinch or for a short overnight, but they’re not very comfortable, and they’re not very welcoming.
This process of praying through and preparing to become a foster parent has been fraught with so much seriousness, so much anxiety, so many checklists and forms and administrative details. I have some idea of how vast and difficult an undertaking it is going to be, and I feel blessed to be going in without rose-tinted glasses. But tonight was the first time I got an inkling of the joy it is going to be. The mountain of potential mistakes a parent can make is high. The mountain of potential mistakes the parent of a hurt kid can make looms even higher. Tonight I took a small step up that mountain. Whatever difficulties lie ahead, at least I know this kid is going to have a comfortable bed. Somehow, that feels huge.
And also, whether spurred by a nesting instinct or just common compassion, buying these mattresses has made the process more real to me. There will be actual children in these beds, in this room, in this house. And I am so excited to meet them!
September 4, 2011
My Auntiversary!
Today is my niece Abby’s tenth birthday. That means I’ve been an aunt for a decade. Whoa!
Ten years ago, I was still in college in California. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I did not believe in God, and actively mocked those who did. I also had no idea how much I was going to love playing with, laughing with, learning from, frustrating, encouraging, and absolutely delighting in this new, unknown person who entered my life on September 4th, 2001.
Happy Birthday Abby! I have been amazed by your first ten years, and I know the next ten will blow me away!
Here’s a little poem in honor of Abby.
Abigail’s an intelligent child:
Brilliant, precocious, and clever.
Her temper is sweet and usually mild.
Her in a rage? Almost never.
Excelling at logic and science and reading,
drawing and drama and learning new things.
She even gets math, without too much leading
And birds stop to listen whenever she sings.
Kind-hearted, sure-footed, and quick with a smile,
She knows how to comfort a friend in distress.
She swims like a mermaid and dances with style;
And always is modest, in heart and in dress.
I love her more than words ever convey,
From before she was born ‘til my last dying day.
When I get to heaven, I’ll praise God above
For giving me Abby, sweet niece that I love.
Ten years ago, I was still in college in California. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I did not believe in God, and actively mocked those who did. I also had no idea how much I was going to love playing with, laughing with, learning from, frustrating, encouraging, and absolutely delighting in this new, unknown person who entered my life on September 4th, 2001.
Happy Birthday Abby! I have been amazed by your first ten years, and I know the next ten will blow me away!
Here’s a little poem in honor of Abby.
Abigail’s an intelligent child:
Brilliant, precocious, and clever.
Her temper is sweet and usually mild.
Her in a rage? Almost never.
Excelling at logic and science and reading,
drawing and drama and learning new things.
She even gets math, without too much leading
And birds stop to listen whenever she sings.
Kind-hearted, sure-footed, and quick with a smile,
She knows how to comfort a friend in distress.
She swims like a mermaid and dances with style;
And always is modest, in heart and in dress.
I love her more than words ever convey,
From before she was born ‘til my last dying day.
When I get to heaven, I’ll praise God above
For giving me Abby, sweet niece that I love.
September 3, 2011
Response to the "Womanhood Project"
A non-Christian
friend of mine posted a link on Twitter to an article reviewing a blog. And
while that sounds like “a friend of mine’s cousin’s sister-in-law said,” the
blog is real and the “experiment” is happening, and non-Christians are writing
about it. So what is it? Well, a
woman named Rachel Evans is a Christian blogger. The article describes her as
evangelical.
Here is what
Rachel posted to describe what she is calling the “womanhood project,” a year
long experiment that will become a book entitled A Year of Biblical Womanhood. “Starting October 1, 2010, I
will commit one year of my life to following all of the Bible’s instructions
for women as literally as possible. From the Old Testament to the New
Testament, from Genesis to Revelation, from the Levitical code to the letters
of Paul, there’s no picking and choosing.”
I have read her
explanation of the project, her frequently asked questions, and several of her
posts about the project, but I have not read every post throughout her
experience. I plan to read them all, but only discovered the whole thing this
morning). Initially, I have some serious concerns.
Author A.J.
Jacobs wrote a book a few years ago entitled A Year of Living Biblically in which he set out to follow every
rule in the Bible. Jacobs is an agnostic, and was writing mostly from the perspective
of curiosity and humor. His book is really funny, and it made me appreciate
even more the rigid system of law that Christ’s death and resurrection
fulfilled. I am grateful that I don’t have to sacrifice lambs or stone
adulterers! The wealth of laws in the Old Testament, when examined in such
detail, serves its purpose of showing us how imperfect we are and how helpless
we are to save ourselves. As Paul writes in Romans 3:20, “through the Law comes
the knowledge of sin.”
My concern with Rachel
Evans’ proposition is that it fails at the most basic level. You cannot say you
are going to follow all of the Bible’s instructions as literally as
possible—that effort in itself fails to follow the Bible’s instructions. For
example, in following Levitical rules about clean and unclean (which she
follows rigorously—sleeping in a tent, carrying around a pillow to sit on, etc.),
she is disregarding the revelation to Peter: “But God has shown me that I
should not call anyone impure or unclean.” (Acts 10:28)
To bind yourself
to follow every rule and instruction in the Bible is to miss the entire point of the
Bible. The whole New Testament, the whole good news of the Gospel is that we do not have to depend on our
ability to follow rules. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who
are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who
gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what
the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the sinful nature, God
did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful humanity to be a sin
offering.” (Romans 8:1-3)
I know that Mrs.
Evans is not intending to say that we must all follow all of these rules. She
admits that the project is intended as a “conversation starter.” Unfortunately,
the conversation that has started is misleading to non-believers. The writer of
the reviewing article, for example, came away with this belief: “All Christians
pick and choose the parts of the Bible that suit them.” She also refers to the
Bible as “a kooky ancient document;” Evans’ “experiment” is certainly not
highlighting the relevancy or power of the Bible. If anything, her approach is
confirming our culture’s view of the Bible as outdated and bizarre.
Plus, the whole
concept is just exasperating to believers. For a self-described Christian to
propose following the Bible’s instructions as a year-long project is so
wrong-headed that I stutter when I try to respond. Christians are called to
obedience every day, not as a short-term
resolution based in will power. Our obedience does not come from our “trying.”
It comes from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit; “For by grace you have been
saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as
a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
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