I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14
So far, I have said "no" to three referrals for children, and I have heard "no" about three children. It is hard. Strangely enough, it's harder for me to say no than it is to hear no. Hearing no means that the children are matched with other parents. Saying no means I am denying them a parent. My prayer is that God will guide me in this so forcefully that Satan cannot use my decisions to attack me. But it is hard.
Years ago, when I was taking my first tentative steps toward believing in God and committing my life to Christ, I asked Him a question in the midst of a very dark night. I asked Him, "Will I ever be a mother?" I didn't hear a booming voice or get a vision with clouds and an angelic choir. But the answer was yes. I can't explain it, but it was. It didn't make sense then, but I trusted it as I've never trusted anything before or since. I trust it now.
As I have walked this road of foster adoption, I have looked back at that question and smiled at the precise wording. It was the question on my heart; I never second guessed my phrasing at the time. But now I am comforted by whatever caused me to ask, not about bearing children or having babies, but about being a mother. My firm belief is that God, knowing the plans He has for me, framed my words.
Our God is a God who keeps His promises. But He does not keep them according to our opinions or timetables. Just ask Abraham and Sarah. He is unfailingly patient with us. Perhaps the seasons of waiting He gives us are small reminders of how hard it is to wait. Our longing to bring children home is a faint glimpse of His longing to bring us to Him. Our frustration (and let's be honest, rage) that they sit in darkness and despair while we wait to give them love and security is just a tremor of the wrath God feels as He watches His children suffer. And if my current pain increases my knowledge of God's infinite love for me, then I submit. But it is hard.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14
So far, I have said "no" to three referrals for children, and I have heard "no" about three children. It is hard. Strangely enough, it's harder for me to say no than it is to hear no. Hearing no means that the children are matched with other parents. Saying no means I am denying them a parent. My prayer is that God will guide me in this so forcefully that Satan cannot use my decisions to attack me. But it is hard.
Years ago, when I was taking my first tentative steps toward believing in God and committing my life to Christ, I asked Him a question in the midst of a very dark night. I asked Him, "Will I ever be a mother?" I didn't hear a booming voice or get a vision with clouds and an angelic choir. But the answer was yes. I can't explain it, but it was. It didn't make sense then, but I trusted it as I've never trusted anything before or since. I trust it now.
As I have walked this road of foster adoption, I have looked back at that question and smiled at the precise wording. It was the question on my heart; I never second guessed my phrasing at the time. But now I am comforted by whatever caused me to ask, not about bearing children or having babies, but about being a mother. My firm belief is that God, knowing the plans He has for me, framed my words.
Our God is a God who keeps His promises. But He does not keep them according to our opinions or timetables. Just ask Abraham and Sarah. He is unfailingly patient with us. Perhaps the seasons of waiting He gives us are small reminders of how hard it is to wait. Our longing to bring children home is a faint glimpse of His longing to bring us to Him. Our frustration (and let's be honest, rage) that they sit in darkness and despair while we wait to give them love and security is just a tremor of the wrath God feels as He watches His children suffer. And if my current pain increases my knowledge of God's infinite love for me, then I submit. But it is hard.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
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