I managed to get a few more items on my foster-parent-license-paperwork list crossed off today, and I called my younger sister, Anne, to let her know the progress. The only things left are the home study interview (next Monday) and the health inspection (next Tuesday). So I called to let her know that the finish line was in sight. Her response: "I have no words to express what I'm feeling." (She's definitely the dramatic one in the family!) I asked, "Is it a good feeling or a bad feeling?" She responded, "Are you kidding?? I'm thrilled!!"
From the start of my foster/adoption journey, Anne has been arguably the most excited of anyone. Despite the fact that she can't spell or multiply or read very well (she has Downs Syndrome), Anne's heart is probably the closest to God's of anyone I've ever known. I'll never forget overhearing her prayer once about ten years ago after a close friend of hers had died (in her community, friends die fairly regularly). The night her friend died, Anne prayed, "God, please look out for James, who has just come to heaven. You'll know him--he's the fat one." I don't know if the impact of that prayer even translates through the written word, but I can never tell (or remember) that story with a dry eye. There was something astounding about her absolute certainty that James was in heaven coupled with the naive idea that God might need help identifying him. It continues to amaze me to this day.
Anyway, it was a blessing to hear, again, how excited she is to welcome new people into her family. The funny thing is, she's not excited because she loves children (she loves everyone); instead, I can clearly see that she is excited for me because she knows this is what God has called me to do. That kind of reaction is such a gift. C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters that "[God] wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in that fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. [God] wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favour that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbour's talents—or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognise all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love—a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own..." I believe God created Anne (and others like her) with this ability to see and rejoice the way He does.
This has been a strange week. For the first time, I have really begun to feel excited about what lies ahead. That sounds bizarre, I know. But my mind is wired backwards—when faced with something, I immediately run through all the negatives, all the worst-case scenarios, not in an attitude of doubt or hesitation, but in one of preparation. For example, I once went to a lunch meeting in which I was offered a job. I responded with all the reasons why I would have to delay taking it. The meeting ended and I got in my car and began driving home. I had to stop the car midway and send a quick email to the man who’d offered me the job, reassuring him that I was thrilled about the opportunity and eager to take it. =)
So after 13 months of thinking through all the negatives I’ll face on this journey (and committing to it regardless), I am, for the first time, getting truly excited about what lies ahead. I’m talking giddy, clapping my hands in delight, singing in my kitchen excited. Which, like Anne’s reaction, is a gift!
But let all who take refuge in You be glad, Let them ever sing for joy; And may You shelter them, That those who love Your name may exult in You. –Psalm 5:11
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