Jesus Calling

A month ago, my dear friend Angie gave me a small book of devotional readings for each day of the year. That book was Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. As she gave it to me, she said it was miraculously timely in its application, and she was right, beyond my expectation.

The wonderful thing about this book is that it is written from the perspective of Jesus addressing His beloved. If I had known that before I read it, I would have thought it was a silly, fluffy imagining. I would have been very wrong. The truth is, I fall so easily into legalism that I constantly forget God’s immense grace and love for me. My awareness of my wretchedness goes beyond honesty into sin itself, and I am swift to believe that I am unlovable and irredeemable. This little book reminds me that I am righteous as Christ is righteous, and I am treasured as Christ is treasured. And that places its value beyond rubies.

This morning, I was struggling with a frustrating situation that has left me bewildered and questioning. I read the day’s devotion and realized I was trying to fix everything myself, which of course is frustrating! After reading it, I spent the day listening to God’s word as I drove around town, bathing not in my own insufficiency, but in God’s all-supremacy.

I thank God daily for Angie and for this little book!

“Problems are part of life. They are inescapable: woven into the very fabric of this fallen world. You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything. This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking. Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.

Do not let fixing things be your top priority. You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you. Don’t weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own. Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern. Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation. Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask Me to show you what is truly important. Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity.” Jesus Calling, November 30th

I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. --Psalm 32:8

But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” -- Luke 10:41-42

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? –Matthew 6:27

Two Things You Should Check Out

First, opportunities to serve the orphan this Christmas (in Austin). Read the following from Austin Stone's amazing For the City Network:

"This Christmas season, The For the City Network has 40+ ways for you to get involved and engage needs in our city for Jesus’ name.

We have several opportunities that serve the orphan and those in foster care:

• Lutheran Social Services: Foster Child Gift Sponsor (50+ sponsors still needed by THIS Sunday, 12/4)
• Caring Family Network: Foster Child Gift Sponsor (100+ sponsors needed by Sunday, 12/11)
• Caring Family Network: Party for Foster Families and Children (taking place 12/16)
• Hungry For God Home: Christmas Party (taking place 12/20)
• Hungry For God Home: Gift Sponsor (needed by Sunday, 12/18)
• Hungry For God Home: Candlelight New Year’s Eve Party (taking place 12/31)"

To find out more, visit the For the City website here. You can search the word "orphan" and you'll get the full list.

And second, this is a short video interview with pastor Darrin Patrick, leader of The Journey church in St. Louis and co-author of For the City. The interview is about the state of modern manhood and what the church can do about it. It's insightful--we could use more men stepping up!

Scripture Saturday: What the Locusts Have Stolen

Thirteen years ago, I was an atheist without a cause. I had a lot of unfounded anger, but nothing real to rail against.

Today, I stand in an entirely different reality. One in which I have been painfully redeemed by Christ. My gratitude cannot be expressed in human words. Suffice to say,

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. --Ephesians 2:1-10

Thirteen years ago, my mother wrote these words: "When Marmee tucked the little volumes under her daughters' pillows under that long-ago New England night, it may well have been this little book, first published in 1794, that Jo's hand encountered the next morning. Treasured through the centuries since, and long out of print, it has been edited and reissued by another--and far more famous--BSF teaching leader. Jo called the small volume 'a true guidebook for any pilgrim going the long journey,' and I could equip you no better for the journey into noble womanhood on which you are so well started. Godspeed, my precious daughter."

Thirteen years ago, I was as far from God as I could get. Today I stand, a woman on an impossible journey, striving to live as God intends. The struggles ahead are daunting and defeating, but the power I carry with me is unbeatable. I praise the woman whose prayers brought me here, and whose faith carries me forward. I love you Mom.

Then I will make up to you for the years
That the swarming locust has eaten,
The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied
And praise the name of the LORD your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
Then My people will never be put to shame.
Thus you will know that I am in the midst of Israel,
And that I am the LORD your God,
And there is no other;
And My people will never be put to shame.

--Joel 2:25-27

The Cashless Christmas Challenge

Today is Black Friday, a day which, to many Americans, means getting up crazy early (or this year, staying up crazy late) to flock in droves to the nearest megastores to buy Christmas presents. For me, it means staying home, cowering in fear at the very thought of leaving the house, much less joining the bargain-hunting millions at the mall. I hate shopping; I hate crowds; I hate waking up super early. So I have never spent a dime on Black Friday.

This year, after reading this blog post, I began to think to myself, “What if I don’t spend a dime at all this Christmas?” And the Cashless Christmas Challenge was born.

2011 has been a surprisingly expensive year for me. Moving expenses, Devo’s sudden vet expenses, and the foster prep expenses have all added up to make a fairly staggering outlay. And since I’m not making a salary at the moment (ah, the joys of required internships), I don’t have a lot of extra cash to throw around. So that’s one reason. Another reason is that, as I prepared my home for kiddos, most of my time was spent going through closets and cupboards and getting rid of stuff. And I didn’t have much stuff to begin with, just because I’m a simple kind of girl. But after spending months clearing out a bunch of stuff, I’m not very motivated to add stuff back in! I think most of us have far too much stuff, and it robs more often than it enriches.

What I don’t want this challenge to do is cause my friends and family to groan at the poor quality or white-elephantness of the gifts they get. The point is not just to be cheap—I really want to stretch my creativity and give gifts that are, if anything, more meaningful.

How will it work? Well, I came up with the following rules:

1. No re-gifting, unless it makes sense. This means I can’t spread junk around in an endless cycle. But if I have been given something that would make an amazing present for someone I know, then I can re-gift. If, for example, someone gave me some beautiful fabric, I could give it to my super-crafty sister, who is far more likely to use and enjoy it than I am.

2. Ingredients don’t count. In other words, I’m allowed to spend money on ingredients for presents I make myself. I’m a pretty decent cook, so I’ll probably put together some home-baked gifts for neighbors, coworkers, etc.

3. Make money, spend money. If I sell things I already have (books, clothes, etc), then I can spend the money I make on those to buy other things. This is the loophole that will enable me to buy the Austin Stone Live Worship CD. =)

4. I can buy gifts for those in need. There are a lot of opportunities to give to those who really do need presents this Christmas. And many of them will only accept new items (which makes sense). I will still try to fund this through selling some of my un-needed stuff though.

This sounds like a “tightening of the belt” type challenge, but I’m actually really excited about it. I love to give presents, and this makes me think much more creatively about what I’m putting together.

Plus, with these presents, there is far less chance that they will 1.) Require Adult Assembly 2.) Make a noise that evokes instant homicidal rage in every adult w/in a three mile radius 3.) Break before New Year’s

I’m excited to see how it all goes!

Thankful!

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

The LORD performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the loving kindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

The LORD has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.

Bless the LORD, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the LORD, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the LORD, O my soul!

Psalm 103

A Thanksgiving Chapel

One of the greatest privileges I enjoyed while a student on the Dallas Theological Seminary campus was getting to sit in chapel four days a week under some of the best preachers and teachers in the nation. I wish now that I had never missed a chapel, but I'll admit the pressures of Greek quizzes and last minute paper-polishing (okay, fine, paper writing) robbed me of some amazing chapels. But every time I attended, I was immensely blessed by the worship. (Seminary students know the old hymns. They know them in four-part, bass- and tenor-rich, glimpse-of-heaven harmony.)

I was also blessed by the teaching. This was especially true because DTS has the stature to draw the truly wise to their pulpit. I sit under fantastic, Spirit-inspired teaching every week in my church in Austin, and I did so in Dallas as well. But those teachers are in their thirties. Now imagine the wisdom that is handed down by faithful servants who've walked God's path for ninety years and more! It was a rare and astonishing privilege. I still sit in awe of the fact that I was taught by minds and hearts like Dwight Pentecost and Stanley Toussaint.

One speaker who always drew a crowd, even during midterms, was Chuck Swindoll. No surprise there, right? Last Thanksgiving, he gave a talk that has changed our family's traditions and mindset around the holiday. I invite you to watch his lovely sermon here.

Enjoy!

Adventures in Child-Proofing

Throughout the foster licensing process, I found some of the endless preparatory tasks fairly tedious, but I didn’t really mind any of them. Except one—child-proofing the house.

Having installed over sixty outlet covers throughout my house, I now risk electrocution daily as I battle to pry them off to plug in a fan or a toaster. But worst of all is the cabinet where I must keep all of my cleaning supplies, including dish washing soap and laundry detergent. It is high up, not quite big enough, and has a temperamental lock that took two hours to install.

Last night, I opened it up to get out my laundry detergent. As I lifted down the box of Tide, a small but heavy tub of wall spackle came flying through the air and straight into my face. It hit my right cheekbone hard, mangling my glasses and unleashing a medley of curse words that proved my sanctification has not progressed as far as I had thought.

Somehow, making my home safe for children has actually made it more dangerous for me. There’s probably a lesson in that… =)

Scoop Them Up

One of the 500,032 things I’ve learned from Dr. Karyn Purvis is the importance of the comforting hug. My instinct when I see a child burst into tears is to scoop him or her up in a strong, steady hug. We have some societal wiring, though, that causes us to pause politely instead. Dr. Purvis’s wisdom and research have given me the confidence to go with my instinct.

Yesterday in our children’s ministry, we had three moments when a child burst into tears. Each of my lovely, well-meaning adult helpers paused uncertainly. I scooped the kids up (with one exception—details in a moment). I’ll describe each of the scenarios:

Each week, I bring something special to hold out as a bribe for good behavior during the main story time. This week it was balloons (all the same color of course!). We had one little girl who was brand new (and I think slightly younger than the rest of the class—I teach four year olds). Her balloon popped, and she burst into tears. I didn’t rush over with a high pitched voice, flapping my arms like a startled hen. Believe it or not, that’s important. I walked quickly over, dropped to the ground, and held her. I spoke lowly and slowly, talking through the fact that the noise had been sudden and loud. Another teacher blew up a replacement balloon, though I think the noise was the real trigger. And I just held her. She kept crying, though she had calmed down some by the time her caregiver came to pick her up (the balloon popped just before pickup time). She had been scared; steady, comforting arms told her she was safe and my calm voice showed her that I sympathized with her fear.

The second episode involved a boy who was also new to the classroom. He and his twin brother were there and were pretty rough and tumble little fellas, though very sweet. This little guy tripped and fell on a chair wrong, hurting himself in a gender-specific way. He fell onto the floor and burst into tears. I went over to him and stroked his hair, but he clearly didn’t need to be picked up and probably would have been in more pain if I had pulled him into a sitting position. So I just stroked his hair and let him air his grievances about the chair’s treachery and he calmed down quickly. My presence let him know he was cared for, and my listening showed him that his pain wasn’t being ignored.

The third moment happened when another new little girl tripped and twisted her ankle. She was clearly in pain; I went over and scooped her into my lap. Again, I went with “lowly and slowly” speech, sympathizing with her twisted ankle and saying we could ask her mom to ice it when she got home (this too happened just before pickup). She cried hard, but calmed fairly quickly.

So what’s the lesson in all this? When a child bursts into tears, scoop them up. The ones who don’t want/need to be held will let you know clearly, either by leaning away as you approach or by squirming out after a brief hug. Or you’ll just kind of be able to sense they don’t need it, as I did with the boy. Don’t swoop down on them—that can seem scary. Get to their level first, then scoop them up. Also, don’t fuss at or over them. Speak very calmly, in a low, reassuring tone, and don’t pile up words. Try to avoid saying things like “you’re fine” or “you’re okay.” They don’t feel that they are in that moment, and it's better not to rewrite their feelings. Basically, just listen and soothe.

At one point during TBRI training, Dr. Purvis was talking about the importance of holding kids, especially kids from hard places (trauma, abuse, neglect). One of the participants raised her hand and asked, “How long do you hold them?” Dr. Purvis replied, “As long as it takes.” In every case I’ve ever seen, the kid will hop up when they’ve had enough comforting. But for kids with deeper hurts, kids from hard places, it may take a long time for them to feel comforted. Dr. Purvis dictates that we hold them for as long as it takes for them to calm down, to feel safe, to feel loved—even if it takes hours. That’s a pretty stunning pronouncement to those of us who were raised to “shake it off” or “be a man” or “be brave.” But think about how much time babies spend being held. They are held 80-90% of their waking lives for a solid 6-12 months. Obviously, you are not going to hold your ten year old adopted or foster child on your hip for 80% of her waking time. But if you think of the holding she didn’t get, or the contact that was abusive when it should have been nurturing, your protests at holding her for 20 minutes at a stretch should melt away. And honestly, I doubt you’ll ever look back on your life and say to yourself, “Gee, I wish I had hugged my children less.” =)

And if you feel like a softie for scooping up the hurting children, simply remember the greatest example of all: “Taking a child, He set him before them, and taking him in His arms, He said to them, ‘Whoever receives one child like this in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me does not receive Me, but Him who sent Me.’” (Mark 9:36-37)

Fantastic Resource

If you are adopting, send this to your friends. If you know someone who is adopting, read this! It's an amazing resource by Focus on the Family about ways to support adoptive families. Check it out here.

And for the full 360 view of supporting adoptive families, read this blog post.

May God bless you for supporting families!!

Scripture Saturday: Preparing a Place

My greatest flaw as a Bible reader is that I tend to read too quickly. And in my race to get to 'the point,' I often miss major (and wonderful) things. Thankfully, God has the grace to point some of those out to me through other means when I miss them in the text hundreds of times.

One that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is the opening verses of John 14. It’s one of those sections of the Bible that end up everywhere: coffee mugs, inspirational posters, sympathy cards, etc. And because it is everywhere, it has flown right over my head more times than I can count.

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, you may be also. (John 14:1-3)

This is a lovely, comforting passage, showing Christ’s concern for his disciples’ fear and uncertainty. I have always loved it; it makes me think happy thoughts about heaven. But I never really thought about what it meant when Jesus said “I go to prepare a place for you.” My response was pretty much “Um, okay Jesus, thanks.” Having spent the past three months literally preparing a place for my boys, I have a new perspective on these verses.

What does it mean to prepare a place? There are the obvious required preparations: the inspections and forms and safety precautions. But for me, preparing a place has gone deeper than that. It has meant finding comfortable mattresses, sheets that are smooth and not itchy, blankets that are fuzzy and warm. It has meant choosing waterproof mattress pads that don’t sound or feel like they are waterproof, so no sense of shame is communicated by a telltale rubbery squeak. It has meant selecting quilts and decorations that inspire imaginative play and pleasant dreams. It has meant putting good books on the bookshelf and making sure the lamp is bright enough to read by. It has meant buying a laundry hamper that looks like a basketball hoop, installing blinds that will keep the dawn from waking sleepyheads, and having a nightlight on hand to help dispel fears. Each simple item has been selected with care, with planning, with the hope that it will please. I slept in the room to make sure there weren’t unsettling noises, and came home from work the next day to find Devo had slept in there too.

At least once a day, I go in there and just pray for those boys. I often don’t have words to pray, but I stand or sit in the stillness, sometimes with my hand on a bed or the chair, praying for the boys I haven’t even met yet.

This is what I have done and am doing to prepare a place. And when I think that my efforts, even at their best, are ‘filthy rags’ in comparison to what God does, then I’m blown away even beginning to imagine what Jesus means when He says He is preparing a place for me.

Amazing Videos

Follow this link to some amazing videos introducing you to what it's like to parent kids "from hard places" (trauma, abuse, neglect--some of which occurs in utero, believe it or not). These are fantastic and free. Anyone who is adopting (or knows someone who is) should watch these.

They are from Empowered to Connect, which is an unbelievable resource for helping these kids heal.

Did I mention the videos are FREE?!

Licensing Q & A

I thought I would take a minute and answer some of the questions that I had when I started this process. Hopefully it will help anyone who is curious about foster care and foster adoption. Keep in mind that foster stuff is run on a state basis, not a federal one, so my experience may not translate to states other than Texas.

What is the first step?
Choosing an agency. You can’t do anything until you’ve chosen an agency.

How do you choose an agency?
This is a huge question, and one that can be tough to find help with if you’re just setting foot in this bewildering world. I remember attending an information session on foster care at a church in Dallas. They gave us a handout with about three pages of agencies and contact info, but no way to distinguish between agencies. And since agencies are technically in competition with one another to sign on families, you can’t really ask them to help you navigate the choice (well you can ask, but the answers won’t be that helpful).

I lucked into a great situation on this. I began volunteering with an agency, Caring Family Network, and got to know their people and their training. Those are the two things that, to my mind, really set agencies apart. CFN had people whose hearts I trusted, and they offered fantastic training in trauma-informed care. But I get that most people don’t have time to volunteer at a slew of agencies. So I would suggest you find as many people as you can who have fostered/are fostering, and ask them about their agency. You’ll learn a lot, and hopefully that will help you choose. I will say though that the training should be a major deciding point. It takes a special kind of parenting to help these kids heal, and you’ll need specific training to help you prepare. Arrow is another agency I’ve worked with on a volunteer level, and I’ve heard great feedback about them from other parents.

How much does it cost?
A lot of people assume that adoption is always wildly expensive simply because domestic adoption and international adoption can be astoundingly pricey. Turns out that adoption out of foster care is free. And foster care is free as well. You even get monthly reimbursements (a set amount determined by the needs of the child—you don’t get reimbursed for specific expenses). The kids come with their own medical insurance, and often with college tuition (even if you adopt them young). It’s pretty amazing.

But, free doesn’t actually mean free. There have been a lot of hidden expenses that I was not fully expecting. You hear a lot in the media about people who foster kids “for the money.” Well, this experience has made me think those people have some wizard-like accounting skills, because I can’t see how that would be possible. Anyway, here’s the cost breakdown for what I’ve done:

Fire Inspection (required): $50
Home Health Inspection (required): $60
TB test (required): $30
CPR/First Aid Class (offered free through my agency, but I missed that day): $25
FBI Fingerprint Check (required): $45
Pet Vaccinations (you should have these anyway): $80
Fire Extinguishers (required): $100
Medication Safe (required): $20
Child-proofing stuff (various items, required): $50
Turning a “guest room” into a children’s room: $2,000ish
So about $2500 all told, and that's all before a kiddo steps foot in my home.

That last item was the unexpected cost. I had a guest room that wasn’t necessarily luxurious, but had slept several small children comfortably over the years. As I looked at it with foster/adopted children in mind, however, it was very clearly a place for short-term stays, and the thin IKEA mattresses weren’t very comfortable. Turning it into a place that felt like a home took more money than I had thought it would, and I fitted it out using Target, not Pottery Barn Kids.

I don’t in any way resent any of these costs; I just wanted to be honest about the finances involved. And of course, all of that is a whole lot cheaper than adopting an infant domestically or adopting internationally (or even having a baby the old-fashioned way and dealing with all the hospital bills that entails).

Reimbursement? What?
So as I mentioned, you do get a set amount of money each month, per child, usually in the $600 range. If you are doing straight adoption, then the amount is called a subsidy, is only applicable to certain kids (see here), and is less, around $400. Anyone who has fed children will tell you that isn’t going to be your income. But it helps, especially if you are a single mom with no previous children and their hand-me-downs, school supplies, books, and toys to fill in with. I’m planning to do a blog post in the future comparing my budget now to my budget with kids, so math lovers, get excited!

How long did it take to get licensed?
It took me about four months from the time I turned in my initial application. I have heard a huge range of times from parents though, everything from two months to nine months or a year.

What takes so long?
Well, first you have to pick an agency. Then you fill out an application. Mine was seven pages long, and had questions I really had to think over or look up the answers to (like every address I’ve lived in the past ten years). Next you begin your training classes. A good agency will give you 30+ hours of training. I did mine in five weeks, with two 3 hour classes each week. Once the classes are finished, you get the fun task of getting all the paperwork turned in. This takes time, often because you have to schedule various services through government agencies, and they're busy. Then it takes a while for your agency to process all the paperwork and make sure every i is dotted and every t is crossed.

If I had to do it over again, I would have tried to do the paperwork along the way as I was doing the training. But between work and school and the training classes, I didn’t have a lot of free time to drive all over town setting up inspection appointments. It took me a full month to get all the paperwork done. It seemed to me like a long process, but that’s because I had a reason to rush (a subject for a later blog post). Some families take a lot longer, which is fine. If you are new to the whole thing, have very little childcare experience, or have bio kids in the home already, I would suggest taking your time. Because I had been researching foster/adoption full bore for almost a year before my first training class, most of it was reinforcing current knowledge, not overwhelming me with all-new information. So I felt I could move a bit faster through the process.

What happens now?
Well my license gets finalized and I throw myself a private dance party in my kitchen. =) Then I will either start getting calls from my agency with potential foster kids or my agency caseworker will submit my homestudy for specific kids who are available for adoption.

What’s a “homestudy?”
Basically, it’s a document that tells all about you. It’s compiled partly by you (I had to fill out 30 pages of intense questions about my childhood, my beliefs about discipline, my expectations of the child, my potential feelings about the birth parents, etc.) and partly by your agency. A caseworker comes out to your home and interviews you about the stuff you’ve already answered in the giant document. He/She will also interview your spouse and any children (or other people) living in your home. It was a long interview (4 hours!), but my caseworker is awesome and it ended up being just a good (long) conversation. I had already thought/processed through a lot of the stuff they were asking about because of my TBRI coursework last spring/summer, and my parents were/are amazing, so that made it all pretty easy. Anyway, once that file is put together, then it becomes the thing your agency caseworker sends to CPS, who will then match you (or not) with kids based on the information in your homestudy.

How long does it take before a child is placed in your home?
The answer everyone hates: it depends. It does though. The system, especially in a state as big as Texas, is a massive machine. And we all know those don’t always work quickly. Also, they take time to make sure that each placement will be in the best interest of the child. Older children, boys, sibling groups, and kids with significant medical needs are the hardest to place, so if a family is open to those populations, they will most likely have a placement sooner than a family who is open only to infants. I have heard from families who waited up to a year for a placement, and I have heard from families who had a placement the day they were licensed. So, it depends. And I have no idea how long it takes for the straight adoption placements, since there is a somewhat prolonged evaluation pre-placement for those folks.

So Close!

My home study interview was conducted on Monday, and today I had my home health inspection. That means all of my paperwork is in (except for one email reference)! My foster care license is so close!

It is exciting and daunting all at the same time. Who knows what lies ahead?

God does, and that fills me with joy and peace.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. --John 14:27

Dark Days

Though I am a generally cheerful, optimistic person (my childhood nickname may or may not have been 'Mary Sunshine'), I do have a few days each year when I am "whelmed in deeper gulfs than he," or in other words, bummed out. Today has been one of those days. Was it because I'm sick with a particularly unpleasant cold? Was it because I was feeling slighted by a particular conversation? Was it because it was raining outside and I didn't have a good breakfast? It was all of these and none.

Sometimes we just have dark days. We feel grumpy and petulant. We settle into self-indulgent sulks. We think everyone else is mean and selfish while we are under appreciated and selfless. It isn't logical or biblical, but it happens. It is in these times that I am particularly grateful for the Puritans. Nothing pours perspective on a pity party like a Puritan prayer (in other news, I may have a slight alliteration addiction...).

I might have a nasty cold, but I haven't watched 90% of my settlement die of unknown diseases. I may feel undervalued, but I've had more than five tiny kernels of dried corn to eat today. I may feel despair and uncertainty about the future, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be 1. attacked by hostile hordes 2. frozen to death 3. eaten by my starving neighbors.

The fact that they lived so close to actual hardship and death makes their prayers all the more poignant and encouraging. Here is one from The Valley of Vision:

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.

My Favorite Response

Yesterday the Austin Stone hosted a panel of foster parents, and tonight we hosted a panel of adoptive parents. Both sessions were rich times of encouragement, joy, and shared wisdom. But my favorite quotation came from a couple who adopted a sibling set of four teenagers out of foster care. The father related the following discussion:

Man: "Pastor, please be in prayer for us. We are considering whether or not God is calling us to adopt."

Pastor: "Well it's definitely not Satan tempting you."

I love the stark truth and simple humor of that response. God calls us to care for the orphan. Satan tries to derail our efforts--he loves when children grow up surrounded by abuse and neglect instead of love.

Christ defeated Satan through His sacrificial death and resurrection. Let's defeat him on earth through Spirit-inspired sacrificial love and redemption.

Thus says the LORD, “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded,” declares the LORD, “And they will return from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future,” declares the LORD, “And your children will return to their own territory." --Jeremiah 31:16-17

HappyThankYouMorePlease

I just watched a movie entitled “HappyThankYouMorePlease.” It came to my attention because it involves (very peripherally) foster care. And while some of the banter in it is witty, overall it left me with a great sadness over the selfishness of my generation.

The take-away line of the film is “go get yourself loved.” One of the characters declares that she and her friend are worthy of being adored, of being happy. And while that sounds nice on paper or a coffee mug, when you look at the characters, they aren’t particularly worthy of being loved. One is a woman who struggles to feel beautiful (she has alopecia) yet refuses to date a wonderful guy because she doesn’t think he’s attractive enough. The other is a guy whose writing career is failing because his life has been too easy; he is bitter that a good childhood has left him with nothing important to say. He takes in a stranded foster child, but his motives are wholly selfish and he is comprehensively thoughtless in his attitude toward the child. Even though the storyline is somewhat resolved, the adult only seems interested in the child because the kid’s life has been rough enough that he might actually make it as an artist.

It was a disturbing glimpse into the emptiness of a life that simply seeks itself. It was also a potent reminder of the hollowness of life without God. Having lived that life until about five years ago, I can say that the difference between “I exist to make myself happy, no matter what” and “I exist to bring glory to God, no matter what” is vast. The message our culture (and this movie) espouses is “you deserve to be loved, so seek that at all costs.” The message of the Gospel is “you don’t deserve to be loved, but God loved you so much He paid all costs to seek you.”

If I set about my life with the purpose of “go get yourself loved,” I would be absolutely, 100% miserable. I can’t even really imagine what that would look like, but it wouldn’t be pretty, and I sure as shootin’ wouldn’t feel loved. But because I have been redeemed by Christ’s great love for me, I can step firmly with the purpose “go and love.” Suddenly my life is filled with joy, even when it isn’t (if you know what I mean).

I like movies that make me think. (I also like movies that give me a break from thinking, but that’s another post.) And though I wouldn’t recommend this movie to very many people (it’s rated R, with bells on), it was a thought-provoking glimpse at what life and life values look like without Christ. In the movie, they claim that we need to say ‘thank you’ in order to invite abundance into our lives. Instead, this movie reminded me to say ‘thank you’ because of the abundance in my life.

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ. –Philippians 1:9-10

Foster Parent Panel tomorrow!!

Are you an Austinite interested in becoming a foster parent or fostering-to-adopt, or just curious to learn more? Please join us Saturday, November 12th, for a Foster Care Panel featuring both foster and foster-to-adopt parents. As always, attendance to the Adoption Community Group is free and refreshments are provided. So come out this Saturday, November 12, 3:00PM - 5:00PM.

Please note this Saturday's meeting is at The Austin Stone's For the City Center (address below). Look for signs in the parking lot directing you to the appropriate entrance. If you have pre-registered for childcare, check in begins at 2:45PM. We look forward to seeing you this weekend!

Details:
Saturday, November 12, 3:00PM - 5:00PM
For the City Center
500 E. St. John's Ave, Austin, TX 78752

Progress Report

I managed to get a few more items on my foster-parent-license-paperwork list crossed off today, and I called my younger sister, Anne, to let her know the progress. The only things left are the home study interview (next Monday) and the health inspection (next Tuesday). So I called to let her know that the finish line was in sight. Her response: "I have no words to express what I'm feeling." (She's definitely the dramatic one in the family!) I asked, "Is it a good feeling or a bad feeling?" She responded, "Are you kidding?? I'm thrilled!!"

From the start of my foster/adoption journey, Anne has been arguably the most excited of anyone. Despite the fact that she can't spell or multiply or read very well (she has Downs Syndrome), Anne's heart is probably the closest to God's of anyone I've ever known. I'll never forget overhearing her prayer once about ten years ago after a close friend of hers had died (in her community, friends die fairly regularly). The night her friend died, Anne prayed, "God, please look out for James, who has just come to heaven. You'll know him--he's the fat one." I don't know if the impact of that prayer even translates through the written word, but I can never tell (or remember) that story with a dry eye. There was something astounding about her absolute certainty that James was in heaven coupled with the naive idea that God might need help identifying him. It continues to amaze me to this day.

Anyway, it was a blessing to hear, again, how excited she is to welcome new people into her family. The funny thing is, she's not excited because she loves children (she loves everyone); instead, I can clearly see that she is excited for me because she knows this is what God has called me to do. That kind of reaction is such a gift. C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters that "[God] wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in that fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. [God] wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favour that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbour's talents—or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognise all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love—a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own..." I believe God created Anne (and others like her) with this ability to see and rejoice the way He does.

This has been a strange week. For the first time, I have really begun to feel excited about what lies ahead. That sounds bizarre, I know. But my mind is wired backwards—when faced with something, I immediately run through all the negatives, all the worst-case scenarios, not in an attitude of doubt or hesitation, but in one of preparation. For example, I once went to a lunch meeting in which I was offered a job. I responded with all the reasons why I would have to delay taking it. The meeting ended and I got in my car and began driving home. I had to stop the car midway and send a quick email to the man who’d offered me the job, reassuring him that I was thrilled about the opportunity and eager to take it. =)

So after 13 months of thinking through all the negatives I’ll face on this journey (and committing to it regardless), I am, for the first time, getting truly excited about what lies ahead. I’m talking giddy, clapping my hands in delight, singing in my kitchen excited. Which, like Anne’s reaction, is a gift!

But let all who take refuge in You be glad, Let them ever sing for joy; And may You shelter them, That those who love Your name may exult in You. –Psalm 5:11

Adoption and the Single Girl, Part Two

In part one, I discussed how bringing children into my home will impact my singleness. In this post, I want to talk about how my singleness will impact my children.

Single parent families are not the biblical ideal. I know that. In fact, the word used for orphan in the Old Testament actually meant “fatherless.” The kids being raised by mothers in those desert caravans had a rough time of it and God clearly wanted His people to care for them. Fathers are tremendously important in the lives of children. I wrote a post about it here. And you can watch this amazing spoken word piece about it here. Nothing would make me happier than if all the kids who are waiting to be adopted out of foster care were snatched up by loving, godly, two parent households.

But they’re not. In 2010, there were 11,419 children in the Texas foster care system whose permanency goal was adoption. In Travis county right now, over 230 children are available to be adopted and are just waiting. Some of them have been waiting for over ten years.

If you’re drowning, a lifeboat is the ideal rescue vehicle. But a rope will do.

I can’t offer these kids a loving father who will play football with them every afternoon in a picket-fence enclosed back yard complete with two golden retrievers and a barbeque grill. I can offer them a safe, stable home with a mother who adores, challenges, and comforts them. (And also a pretty great dog who doesn’t shed nearly as much as a golden retriever). Is it the perfect Norman Rockwell family? No. Is it a whole lot better than no family at all? Yes.

And I would like to point out one thing, just as an encouragement to any other singles who are considering adoption or foster care. I have heard people say that singles should not adopt or foster. But not one of the people who has ever objected to it (at least in my experience) has been fostering or adopting themselves. Something to think about.

All conflict aside, there are significant challenges to consider about single parenthood (and I mean for the child; the challenges for the adult are many and obvious). I recently attended the fantastic Tapestry conference, and one of the breakout sessions I went to was titled, “What’s Missing? Helping Single Adoptive and Foster Parents Provide Everything That’s Needed.” You can view the slides and handout here. The greatest thing about this session was not necessarily the answers it gave me, but the way it made me think.

I had gone into this whole single parenthood thinking, well it’s not perfect, but it will be good enough. I had not thought about ways I could make it better than 'good enough.' The presenters highlighted ways single parents could incorporate positive same-sex role models into the lives of their children. For example, I’m planning to adopt boys, so I'll need to be proactive about seeking godly coaches, youth group leaders, etc to model manhood for my boys and to be available for those “guy” conversations. I’ll need to give them opportunities to learn how to grill with my dad or even (despite my own distaste for the sport) go with him on a hunting trip or two. I had already planned to find a plethora of recreational activities for them; this session gave me insight into the kinds of coaches and leaders I should seek.

One thing that is “missing” for children of single parents that had never entered my mind was the example of a healthy marriage. They need to see how couples interact with each other and with their own children. Which means, single ladies, we need to join intentionally with married couples, perhaps creating a date night co-op. I’ve seen couples do this: a group of families rotates childcare for one another. One couple keeps all the kids while the other three couples have a date night. Single ladies, we should join these groups! Make your date night a spa night or a read by yourself night or even just an enjoy a quiet house for a change night. So often couples stick with couples and singles stick with singles because we share a common life stage. Break through that if you can.

I would also suggest that you branch out age-wise. Some of my best friends have been older women who have poured wisdom and encouragement into my life. Matt Chandler, the pastor of the Village Church, preached once about how they intentionally sought out “gray heads” when they started the church. He explained that, when it was all young guys in leadership, they were just “pooling stupid.” When you get a bunch of different ages together, you can pool wisdom, life experience, enthusiasm, and energy. It’s almost like God intended for things to be that way…

Single parenthood is tough. I’m pretty positive I have no idea how tough it truly is. But I can say this: I am called to singleness and I am called to adopt. For the rest, I trust in the strength and power of God the Father.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, He leads out the prisoners with singing. --Psalm 68:5-6

The Princess and the Pea

For the past twelve years (twelve years), I have gone to sleep with earplugs in my ears. And not the gentle, "these are just resting near my ear drums while I fire this shotgun" kind of earplugs. I'm talking about the kind you squeeze into tiny squished cylinders before cramming into your ears, the kind that are just milli-somethings below the government standard of "you will die before you ever hear the fire engine" decibel level. Serious, noise-canceling earplugs have been my nocturnal companions through six dormitories, countless sleepovers, and about twenty hotel stays.

Why? Because I am the world's lightest sleeper. Always the last to fall asleep and the first to wake at childhood slumber parties (which saved me from many a pair of frozen undies, I might add). The other night, the faint sound of my own wheezing (I have a slight chest cold) woke me from a deep sleep at 3am.

I have also been known to be the world's longest sleeper. My dad once woke me up after 17.5 hours of sleep, worried, one assumes, that I was dead. (I was grumpy, but very much alive) Doctors have suggested that I need such marathon sleeps in order to accrue the REM equivalent of what many eight-hour deep sleepers take for granted, since my sleep cycles are so easily disrupted. (Have I researched sleep too much? Perhaps...)

The point is, the tiniest noises wake me up. I live alone in a quiet house in a quiet neighborhood. And I still sleep in earplugs. Even with the earplugs, I often wake up when my dog (sleeping in his well cushioned crate away from my bed) rolls over in his sleep. (I wish I were exaggerating. I'm not.)

Last night, I slept without earplugs for the first time in over a dozen years. It wasn't pretty. I woke to the sound of my dog licking his foot. I woke when I turned over and the sheets made a noise. I woke when a squirrel outside my well-insulated windows called a cheerful pre-dawn greeting to its mate. I woke repeatedly, and am now thoroughly exhausted, but I will continue with this cold-turkey approach to 'quitting' earplugs.

Again you ask, why? Well, I'm quitting earplugs because I want to hear all the tiny squeaks and shuffles and miniscule noises that my boys may make. My house's floorplan has the master bedroom on the ground floor, with the children's room and the office up above. I want to wake in the night if I hear a sneaky step upon the stairs. I definitely want to hear if someone tries to open the intentionally squeaky front door. I want to know if my guys are raiding the fridge in the wee hours of the morning (not to punish them, but to work toward reassuring the panicked starvation fear).

Did you know that, during pregnancy, women's ears actually increase their hearing ability in substantial amounts? Our great and merciful God, knowing from before time began that I would not be pregnant on this earth, gave me a freakishly acute sense of hearing and a freakishly light style of sleeping. It has rarely been a gift in my life so far. But I believe He knew I would one day need to hear the slightest noise, the merest indication of my child's distress.

And so I am grateful, though immensely sleepy, as I work toward sleeping through the night without my blissful oblivion. =)

Daylight Sufferings

I don't like Daylight Savings. It bums me out that it is suddenly sunny earlier and dark earlier. And that fake extra hour of sleep is not enough of a bonus to make it worthwhile.

Daylight Savings is notoriously rough on kids and animals, since it doesn't make any sense to them that you would just decide that the time is no longer the time it is. (they're not wrong.)

I suppose in a more optimal world, you could work them up to the drastic change by moving the clocks 5 minutes every day for the twelve days before Daylight Savings. But who has the luxury/obsessive tendencies to be able to do that?

So other than moving to Arizona, what can you do to ease this transition? I did find one blog that offers a more reasonable "work up to it" method. You begin the transition Friday night rather than Saturday. The goal is to make the Monday morning experience a bit less of a jolt. I would bump it all back to Thursday, but that's just me. He based his schedule on his daughters' sleep schedule, which is bedtime 7pm, wake up 7am.

	Friday	Saturday	Sunday (DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!)	Monday
Bedtime	7:15 pm	7:30 pm	6:45 pm	7:00 pm
Waking time	7:00 am	7:15 am	6:30 am	6:45 am

One simple suggestion is for parents to go to bed early on DS night. As adults we get used to the "free hour of sleep" idea, but anyone with kids knows that is a lie. Going to bed earlier will help you feel more rested and less resentful of the unchanged body clock of your two year old.

Also as it gets dark earlier, make sure you and your kids are soaking up as much sunshine as you can. Sunshine is good for you physically, emotionally, and mentally, but it may take more of an effort to fit in "sun-time" when the hours of daylight shrink (and temperatures drop).

Most of all, as with any transition, budget in extra time, trim down your to-do list, and have a back up plan. Trying to rush while you're sleep deprived and your child is confused pretty much guarantees a meltdown.

And if, best intentions notwithstanding, you find yourself wide awake at midnight after a long and exhausting day? I feel your pain...

Why Do We Do It?

This is why.


Video from the Christian Alliance for Orphans. For even more videos, visit their resource site here.

Tune In

Tomorrow I will post the second part of Adoption and the Single Girl. For now, you should tune in to this. Gather friends and family; watch it together. I firmly believe that one of the most powerful things we can do for orphans is pray. So let's do it!

Adoption and the Single Girl, Part One

Over the past few weeks, I’ve read several different blog posts from devout, godly, awesome women about the struggles of singleness. You can read them here, here, and here. These women are fantastic; they serve faithfully and accomplish astounding things for the Kingdom. I fully respect what they have to say about being single, and I deeply admire them for their perseverance in what is often a rough road for each of them. I think a lot of Christian women feel the way these women feel, and I am delighted that those women have such godly examples of good fighting to encourage them.

But I am single and I love it. Love it love it love it, dance around the house singing about how much I love it. I would love to say that I feel this way because I am spiritually mature or an empowered free-wheeling feminist, but that would be a lie. The truth is, I love being single because God has called me to a life of singleness, and He has given me deep and abiding joy and contentment in that state. Which is fantastic, and I am immensely grateful. But here’s the catch. All three of those godly women are aware, and wary of, the fact that the idea of marriage can easily become an idol in their lives. I’m here to tell you, singleness can be just as much of an idol.

I love singleness for the good reasons: God brought me to faith in Christ through my singleness, and then enabled me to work at a church, to go to seminary, to intern at another church, and to get licensed for foster care. All of those would have been much more complicated if I had been married. I have been able to be much more focused on God and working for His glory than I ever would have been if I weren’t single (not that married people aren’t focused on God, just that a married me wouldn’t have been).

I also love singleness for the selfish, silly reasons: I don’t ever have to have ESPN; I don’t have to do anyone else’s laundry or iron anyone else’s shirts; I can work/eat/sleep/read whenever I want; I don’t have to share; I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s extended family; I don’t have to argue; I don’t have to consult or cooperate with anyone else when I make a decision. I take great delight in all of these things; sometimes I exult in them daily. But they are dangerous. There is a lot of room for selfishness in singleness, and there is a lot of room for thinking that I am in charge of my space, my time, my life when actually God is.

If you read through that list of selfish reasons for loving singleness, you may have noticed something. By entering this foster/adopt journey, I’m about to give most of those up. I’m about to switch from a life that caters to my every whim (within limits) to a life that sacrifices at every turn. And I’ll be brutally honest. There are a lot of reasons to doubt the decision to foster; it is more scary and difficult than anything I have ever even come close to doing. But none of those reasons has held any sway over me. The thing that makes me hesitate, that makes me doubt, is the whiny two year old inside who doesn’t want to give up all the silly things you can’t have/do anymore when you become a parent.

Obviously, that voice isn’t winning. But just knowing that it is there, and that it is loud, has been really humbling for me. What’s even more humbling is the knowledge that Jesus left heaven to come to earth to suffer and die just because He loved selfish, rebellious, stiff-necked ol’ me. Which makes giving up control over my sleep schedule seem like the least I can do. =)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. --Philippians 2:3-8

Oh my word...

If you are in the foster or adoption process, or know someone even slightly in process, you MUST read this blog post. It is so wise, so necessary, so amazing. Read it.

Seriously. Read it.

I may print it out and start handing it out on street corners.

Great Books on Adoption and Foster Care

I'm still too tired to share all I learned from the Tapestry conference, but I do want to share some recommended reading (other than The Connected Child, which you must own). You can find the full list here, but these are a few that are on my current wishlist:

*Adoption is a Family Affair! – What Friends and Family Must Know, Patricia Irwin Johnston

*“Parenting Is Your Highest Calling” And 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt, Leslie Leyland Fields

*Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families, Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley and Timothy J. Callahan

*I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla, Marguerite Wright

*In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories, Rita J. Simon & Rhonda M. Roorda

*The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun, Carol S. Kranowitz

Books for Kids:

*Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Jennifer Wilgocki

*Murphy’s Three Homes (A Story for Children in Foster Care), Jan Levinson Gilman

*My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You, Kevin Leman

*Rosie’s Family, Lori Rosove

W.I.S.E. Up Powerbook (For Children Who Were Adopted), The Center for Adoption Support and Education (Tapestry Comment: An excellent resource to help empower your kids to know and be able to answer (or not answer) questions about their family and their adoption. Highly recommended for all adoptive families with school-age children.)

W.I.S.E. Up Powerbook (For Children in Foster Care), The Center for Adoption Support and Education (Tapestry Comment: Similar to the original W.I.S.E Up Powerbook for children who were adopted, this resource is a great way to help talk with and empower children in foster care to better understand, accept and handle their story.)