Patience...

I am waiting for my paperwork, on the agency side, to be finished.

I am not waiting well. I would love to say that my days are filled with Scripture and prayer. But, unfortunately, I am not quite so far along the sanctification road as I would wish. I spend my days pacing like a tiger in a cage. Questioning God and hating myself for it. Raging silently against the system that is slow. I doubt everything and then realize I doubt nothing. I wrestle with the devil. I fume. I fret. I snap angrily at my dog. I hide myself away like a hermit.

I get it right sometimes. I remember God's faithfulness. I praise Jesus for redeeming me. I pray boldly for my boys.

But for the most part, I am hating this. Second by second, it is agony to be separated from these boys, to not know where they are or how they are doing. To think of their spending Christmas without the knowledge that they are loved, forever.

It is hard. And God is letting me sit and stew and rage in this. He is letting me hate every second of separation, of ignorance, of worry. And it is all, somehow, for my good and for His glory.

I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. And I hate it.

But I have learned, through a fairly rocky spiritual past, to trust this God I follow. I have learned that He is good, that even the most painful moments in my life exalt His holy name. And so I cling to that. And rage. And long. And hate.

And trust.

She pined in thought,

And with a green and yellow melancholy

She sat like patience on a monument,

Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

--Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

Sinking Sand

I got some news today that is really great. It's fantastic. I'm excited about it, and it will mean amazing things for literally hundreds of people.

But, it also means that a plan I had that seemed mostly certain is now wildly uncertain. It gave me that feeling you get when you think there's another step in the staircase, and instead your foot comes thudding down and your stomach does that "whoops!" flip.

And in the midst of a stomach-troubling "now what?" of a day, God dropped a gift of exactly what I needed.

My church, The Austin Stone, released a live worship CD today. (The proceeds from the CD sales will all go toward ministry, not profit.) At 7pm, they live streamed the celebration/night of worship. So I got to sit on my couch under a pile of blankets and sing praise to the solid, strong, sustaining God I love so much.

There is a lot to worry about in this world. A lot, even for non-worriers like me. The only weapon I've found that can combat the million things that we worry about is worshiping the infinite goodness, power, and faithfulness of our great God.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
--Edward Mote

Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.
Psalm 100

Oh my word, again

Jen Hatmaker has done it again, God bless her.

I know I promised a post about sensory processing, but that is going to have to wait. Jen's latest blog post about Christmas just totally blew my mind. I suddenly find myself agreeing with the SNL character, the church lady. She declared that Santa, when rearranged, spells Satan. (I tried to find a clip of that episode, but couldn't, sorry!) Ok fine, I won't go so far as to say Santa is the work of the devil (or will I?), but I do get tired of saying to my preschoolers each Sunday "Whose coming do we celebrate at Christmas?" and hearing "Santa!" in return.

Christmas is going to be very different for my family this year. Five of us moved far away, and their places will be empty at the big dining room table. We will have too many leftovers. There will not be much under the tree. We will not hear high, piping voices squealing with delight accompanied by the sound of paper shredding in the background. And if we look at Christmas through the American lens, their absence will make the day heart breaking, lonely, and basically a big ol' bummer.

BUT... If, instead, we view Christmas as it was meant to be viewed, as a celebration of the birth of the Savior of the world, then our joy increases rather than decreases. Yes, we will miss those family members (a lot, to be honest). But what greater joy is there than what we have in Christ? If we focus Christmas on the gift of grace rather than the gift of stuff, then we can revel in gratitude, wonderment, and joy. Which I think was kinda the point anyway. =)

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord!
Oh praise His name forever!
His power and glory evermore proclaim!

Sensory Processing Disorder

Tonight I had an experience which gave me a glimpse into what it is like to live with Sensory Processing Disorder. I will talk about that experience in detail in tomorrow's post, but thought I should give a basic definition of SPD first. Here is an excerpt from a book by one of the leading scientists in the field, Carol Kranowitz. Her book, The Out-of-Sync Child, is the best book out there on this topic. The following excerpt comes from her follow-up to that book, The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun.

“Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), also called Sensory Integration Dysfunction, occurs when the brain inefficiently processes sensory messages coming from a person’s own body and his or her environment. The person has difficulty responding in an adaptive way to everyday sensations that others hardly notice or simply take in stride.

Generally, the red flags of SPD are unusual responses to tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive sensations—the sensations of touching and being touched, of moving and being moved. The senses of seeing, hearing, smelling, and tasting may be involved, too.”

A child with SPD “may misinterpret or be unable to use [sensory] information effectively. For instance, he may have a tantrum because the tag on his shirt scratches his skin—or, he may not notice that his pants are on backward. He may feel seasick swinging for a few seconds—or persist in swinging for a ‘million minutes.’ He may panic when the dog barks a greeting—or ignore the dog’s eagerness to knock him down. He may gag at food smells and textures—or cram all sorts of things, edible or not, into his mouth. He may shrink from visual stimulation such as flashing neon lights—or ignore the sight of rushing cars and run heedlessly into the street.”

More on this tomorrow, but in the meantime, I highly recommend Carol Kranowitz’s books!

Scripture Saturday: A Psalm in Readiness

Praise the LORD!
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
Praise the name of the LORD.
Blessed be the name of the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
From the rising of the sun to its setting
The name of the LORD is to be praised.
The LORD is high above all nations;
His glory is above the heavens.

Who is like the LORD our God,
Who is enthroned on high,
Who humbles Himself to behold
The things that are in heaven and in the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust
And lifts the needy from the ash heap,
To make them sit with princes,
With the princes of His people.
He makes the barren woman abide in the house
As a joyful mother of children.
Praise the LORD!
--Psalm 113

I don't know how, but somehow I completely missed the existence of this psalm. I only came across it today by searching "abide" at www.biblegateway.com

What a treasure! I kind of want to paint that last verse on my walls...

Praise the Lord indeed!!

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Advent, in More Ways Than One

I love the season of Advent. I refuse to do anything, hear anything, or taste anything even remotely Christmas-related until after Thanksgiving, but once December 1st hits, I am all in. I love the sights, smells, sounds of this season. Perhaps most of all, I love the fact that it is easier for me to devote myself to reading Scripture during this time of year than it is at any other time. There really isn't anything else like it in the secular or the church calendar. Advent is a time of waiting with hopeful expectation of joy. I'm betting that's how we're supposed to live all the time, waiting for the return of Christ. But I fail at that on a colossal scale, except during December, when the world cooperates. Even the tackiest, most tawdry decoration that the consumer-focused world around me coughs up reminds me that Christmas is coming. And by God's grace, I think of my joy in Jesus.

Advent is especially precious to me this year. I am eagerly anticipating the celebration of Christ's first coming, but I am also eagerly (and, it has to be said, impatiently) anticipating the coming of my children through adoption out of the foster care system (if God wills). It has been hard to wait. I'm not very good at waiting; I've never met anyone who is. It is even harder to wait not knowing where my boys are, if they are in a loving and familiar foster home or in a shelter, if they are happy and hopeful or despondent and despairing.

One of the best sermons I've ever heard was from Ben Stuart, who preached at a youth camp on "the fullness of time" from Galatians 4:4. He explained why Jesus coming exactly when He did was ideal and made sense. You can listen to a version of that sermon here. It is the October 25th sermon, titled (appropriately enough) “Adopted.” I encourage you to give it a listen.

It must have been hard for God to wait. To wait while His people were enslaved in Egypt for 400 years, crying out to Him for deliverance. To wait while they stumbled and sinned on an increasingly repulsive scale during the divided kingdom and the prophets. To wait while they grew in repentance in Babylon and longed for Jerusalem. To wait in silence as He moved the world toward a common language, safe roads, and a time of peace. (the clip Ben references on this can be found here)

It must have been excruciating for Jesus to wait. From birth til age 30, Jesus walked this earth seeing the pain and misery all around Him and knowing that He could help. Yet He waited until the time God had appointed for His ministry to begin. We often think of the unendurable pain of the last week of His life, but I think the days before He began His ministry must have been torture. To see the disease, carry the cure, and not reach out to save the desperate and dying must have been an unimaginable burden. Yet it shows the depth of His trust in the will and timing of God.

I struggle with this trust. I know I should trust God; I work and pray each day to trust Him more. Yet I itch with impatience. I fume with it. There are some days when I can hardly stand it, knowing I am so close to bringing these boys home and yet so far. Knowing that they have spent years waiting for a family, my heart breaks for every minute they continue on this earth without a mom. It's hard.

But Advent helps. Each year, the Dallas Theological Seminary puts together a devotional guide for Advent. Every day has a passage of Scripture and a short essay written by a DTS professor. For the past two years, it has been my dearest treasure. I thought that I would miss it this year, as I am not physically on campus. Silly me! The guide is posted online here. This year, the theme is the names of Jesus. Oh, it is so good! I have always found that the one thing that drives away worry and anxiety in my life is not prayer but worship. Focusing on the attributes of God during this time is sweet balm to my soul. I am nervous, impatient, frustrated, bound up with worry and waiting. God is all-powerful, all-present, all-perfect. With a giant sigh of relief, I can rest in that.

I pray that you will too.

Utterly Charmed

Today I was utterly charmed by the movie The Muppets.

It was absolutely delightful, both for the nostalgia it invoked and for the excellence of the writing. The Muppets strikes the rare balance between good family-friendly content and great entertainment. Pay the ticket price and maybe Hollywood will make more movies as excellent as The Muppets!

Enjoy!